19 December 2008

Good Festivus To All

Yes, we've been slacking lately. Hey, it's the offseason, what're you gonna do?

In the spirit of Festivus, though, we're going to do a little airing of grievances. Feel free to add your own in the comments. I'm gonna start with some of mine:

Mayor Fenty: thanks for combining with the economic collapse to kill off any DC United stadium deal for another five years or so. Jerk.

Jay Heaps: you're a hack. Duke sucks.

SuperLiga: Really? I mean...really?

Ben Olsen's ankles: come on, is one more year really too much to ask of you?

InBev: enjoy the non-exclusive (Budvar sez "suck it") global marketing rights to Budweiser while you're in receivership from all that debt you took on to buy A-B. Suckers.

03 December 2008

Just in: Canadian Coalition to Bring Down MLS?

Former MLS executive Ivan Gazidis made some startling comments today in an undisclosed London pub. As previously reported in many news sources, the Montreal ownership group pulled their bid for an MLS team around the time of the MLS Cup (perhaps because they saw the league as besmirched with the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey reaching the final). Recently, the Vancouver bid seems to be headed for the same fate. Gazidis reportedly said that the teams were looking to form a coalition to build their own league. They are testing out names such as the Looney League and Major Soccer League. After the success of the Montreal in the CONCACAF Champions League Group stage and the failure of four three [ed.: whatevs, like we were paying attention, man] four [ed.: Toronto failed in Canadian qualifying, Chivas USA and NE failed in preliminary, and DC United didn't make it out of the group] MLS teams to either advance or even make the group stage, the Canadian Coalition is looking to form a stronger government league. The ownership groups believe that a Canadian run league would be stronger and more able to have international success.
"Canadians should know that these ownership groups lied to them. These guys said they would never form a coalition to bring down MLS and yet here they are launching a coup."

RUMOR: Barca to Partner With Disney for MLS Miami II

ORLANDO, FL, 3 December, 2008: A local bartender who recently worked a catered event at Disney World has informed MLS Rumors² that not only is MLS Miami II "90% certain of happening," the team's ownership will also include the Walt Disney Corporation. "I was talking to a drunk Disney exec, and he told me that Disney sees MLS Miami II as an excellent opportunity to expand the Disney global brand. Right now, the plan is to call the team the Barca USA Big Green. They'll wear claret and dark blue tops with green shorts at home, and green tops with gold shorts on the road. Also, they're going to play half of their games in Orlando, at a soccer-specific stadium Disney is going to build where Space Mountain is right now."

MLS Rumors² did a little digging around on the internet, and it turns out that this has been in the works for over a decade! Don't believe us? Well, check out this little nugget from the freakin' New York Times, suckas:
For the last two weeks, all 12 M.L.S. teams have been training together and playing scrimmages at the Walt Disney World Resort's Disney Wide World of Sports complex in Lake Buena Vista, Fla. In the marketing world, that's called synergy. How long can it be before Disney fields a team called the Big Green to complement its soccer movie that starred Rodney Dangerfield?
How ya like us now?

Our man on the scene in Orlando also informed us that Barca and Disney are planning to give away upwards of 10,000 tickets per match: "They're looking at this whole deal as a loss leader. It's all about establishing the Barca and Disney brands. In the current business environment, they think it's a real winner of a concept."

02 December 2008

Bank of America Customer Service Transcript

[Begin Call]
Customer Service Representative 3137: Hello, Mr. Hunt? This is Cindy Smith, from Bank of America.
Clark Hunt: Huh? Can I help you?
3137: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us today. We've noticed some unusual activity on your account, and company policy requires us to bring it to your attention.
CH: Oh. Okay. What's going on?
3137: Well, apparently someone using your account information has authorized a transfer of $649,998.73 to one "Guillermo Barros Schelotto." Obviously, this kind of transfer is not in line with your thirteen-year account history.
CH: Mother of Mercy! $649,998.73?!! What the H-E-double hockey sticks?!!
3137: If you'd like, Bank of America can open an official inquiry into this transaction.
CH: You're darn tootin' I'd like! You'd better get to the bottom of this, pronto! Or you're gonna be beggin' for some of those bailout dollars just to cover your legal bills!
3137: We'll start the inquiry right away, sir.
CH: You do that, Cindy. You do that.
[End Call]

Philly MLS Breaks Ground...Andy Reid Spoils Ceremony

REID: A Sad, Confused Man in Chester
CHESTER, PA, 2 December, 2008:
The groundbreaking ceremony for the new soccer-specific stadium in Chester (Motto: Who Needs a Grocery Store When You've Got a Casino?) went horribly awry yesterday when an apparently disoriented Andy Reid, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, crashed the ceremony and repeatedly threw a red flag into the line of dignitaries waiting to dig the ceremonial first shovelfuls* of dirt. According to a source who was present at the confused scene:
Coach Reid just kinda wandered in, wearing his headset and everything. It looked like he'd been drinking, and the smell of Cheetos was overpowering...anyways, he just keeps throwing this red flag into the line of shovels. Throwing it, picking it up, and throwing it again. I didn't think he'd ever stop. Finally, some guy wearing a blue and yellow scarf grabbed a megaphone and announced: "Upon further review, the player was down by contact before crossing the plane. The ruling on the field stands. Philadelphia is charged a timeout." Then Reid just picked up the flag one last time and shuffled off in the direction of the highway. It was just bizarre, man. And sad, too.

*Note: I'd have thought it'd be "shovelsful," but spell-check has spoken.

01 December 2008

Barca: MLS Miami II Will Be Most Epic Fail Ev-ah!

MIAMI, 1 December 2008: MLS Rumors² recently received an email from a confidential source with ties to Barcelona's MLS expansion bid:
It's, like, gonna be insane. Barca are 100% committed to making this team the most epic fail in the history of epic failure that is professional sports in South Florida. You think you've seen fail before? You think the Marlins' ritual post-World Series fire sales are something? Well, at least they f'ing *won* the Series, even if no one went to their games. MLS Miami II will be the culmination of decades of South Florida fail. They're going to market heavily to the locals of Puerto Rican, Cuban, and Dominican descent, with an ad campaign that calls baseball a sport for [Ed.: rhymes with harrycons]. Then, they're going to spend over $3 million to bring in a washed-up Brazilian, like, say, Ronaldo, who will promptly spend every waking hour either in the clubs or on South Beach, getting fatter and slower by the day. It'll make Lothar's "Rehab on the Riviera" look like serious training.

I'm telling you, it's going to be Epic. Truly Epic.

Stay tuned, dear readers, this is a developing story.

25 November 2008

Breaking News: Bigsoccer.com Poster Claims All Is Lost

With the pending MLS Expansion Draft and Dance Party on Wednesday, bigsoccer.com poster USSawkerFan32 is fearing the worst. According to posts on the well known soccer pundit site, USSawkerFan32 claims "I know they are going to take our best player. I cannot believe our management did not protect him. He is key to us winning the cup next season. I might as well just consign our season to the trash heap."

MLS Fans prepare for the MLS Expansion Draft and Dance Party.

MLS expansion team Seattle Sounders FC have not confirmed their selections in the draft and dance party but a source close to their management said, "look, if we can weaken our opposition at the same time we strengthen our team, we are going to take that opportunity."

USSawkerFan32 replied, "I knew it. They are going to gut our team..."

23 November 2008

Breaking News: MLS To Start Grapefruit League

According to rumors, DC United has taken an interest in Puerto Rican soccer. However, we here at MLS Rumors² could not rest without knowing the whole story. According to sources near to the MLS Cup, the interest is actually league-wide and would consist of a spring league similar to Major League Baseball's Grapefruit leagues in Florida and Arizona. The Major League Soccer Grapefruit League would consist of one game against all of the other teams regardless of conference. The 15 teams with the most shots and the most successful step overs would advance to the playoffs. The playoffs would consist of 10 corner kicks for each team against a goal keeper of Don Garber's choice with a best 11 "defense team" against the playoff teams. The 10 teams with the most goals would advance to a second match of 3 20 minute periods. The five teams coming out of this would draw lots to advance to the final, which will be a match played at the international destination of MLS Executive Ivan Gazidis' choice. The winner of the Grapefruit League would get a berth in the Super Liga with the option to have a friendly during the MLS All Star Weekend against West Ham.

Breaking News: MLS Cup Cancelled!

Hard to believe but MLS cancelled their big game of the season today. Just in from Los Angeles is the news that because of potential for rain, MLS Supremo Don Garber decided to call the match and to reschedule for next season. Garber stated, "Look, we wouldn't want to put any of our players in danger holding this match under cloudy and potentially threatening clouds. Have you seen how bad Frankie Hejduk's hair frizzes in the humidity. I just have to say, oh the humanity. We cannot have a match under these circumstances. Better luck next year."

Yes, that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

20 November 2008

Latest: Kenny Cooper Concerned About Getting Called to National Team

MLS Rumors² staff has found out that Kenny Cooper is in serious jeopardy of loosing his status as Consistently Not Getting Called Up to the National Team. His performance last night against Guatemala in the last World Cup Qualifying match of the Semi-Final round may push him into the category of players that get called up regularly to represent the United States. He was able to score a goal and make several other credible threats in his 76 minute appearance. That he was replaced by Connor Casey does not bode well for his continued status of not getting called up.

"I hope I didn't do too much in the game."

When reached for comment, Cooper just stated that he was worried about his status and hoped that one could see all the deficiencies of his game at the international level. "Look, hanging around the defense and just bullying people out of the way works at the MLS level, but I'm not sure I can translate that to the international level. I mean, those guys were much faster of thought that I am. They read me like a book." Cooper went on to say, "Remember Chris Albright. That guy came into the national team and with his first touch he scored. But where is he now, right back?"

Red Bull NY Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ in Final, MLS Rumors² Staff in Denial

The author earlier today. I'm doing just fine - really! Thanks for asking!
WASHINGTON, DC, November 20, 2008: Following confirmation of previously discounted reports that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ have reached the MLS Cup final, MLS Rumors² continued to deny reality.

"I mean, seriously, Western Conference champions? We're actually supposed to believe that? They don't even play in the Western Conference! You'll have to do a little better than that to pull the wool over our eyes," I said to my reflection as I decided not to shave yet again this morning. "Next thing you know, MLSnet.com is going to ask me to send my SSN and bank account number to some deposed government official in Nigeria. No thank you!"

When asked by my reflection just exactly what the hell I was talking about, I replied, "This conversation is over."

19 November 2008

INCOMING: Lalas to take over ailing AIG

PAULSON: Lalas the right choice to create "SuperInsurer"
WASHINGTON, DC, November 19, 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from sources close to Treasury Secretary Henry "Uncle Hank" Paulson that the Bush administration is planning to appoint one of Venice Beach's most famous buskers, Alexi Lalas, as new CEO of ailing insurance giant AIG.

Some experts questioned the move. Said recent Nobel laureate Paul Krugman: "I thought the administration had set an unbeatable record for absurd appointments when they put a horse show official in charge of FEMA, but this? My god, man! Just because AIG sponsors some random English soccer team doesn't make this ginger hack qualified to run it! It's as good as a death sentence for AIG."

Paulson, however, was ebullient in his praise for the three-times over failed executive: "Alexi has just what it's going to take to turn AIG around. It's only a matter of time before he transforms it into the world's first SuperInsurer!"

When reminded that AIG was a "SuperInsurer" prior to its collapse, Paulson replied, "I resent the implication that I'm colluding with my former colleagues on Wall Street to short AIG!" When told that, in fact, no one had said anything of the sort, Paulson replied, "This conversation is over."

MLS Rumors² reached Lalas for comment near the Venice Pier, where he was strumming away on his guitar and singing various Sister Hazel songs as passersby shielded their children's eyes: "I am tremendously excited to be taking over at AIG! It's a natural fit for me, since I have prior experience at AEG, and that's only one vowel different! We're going to have the whole company selling sexy insurance by this time next year! Also, any rumors that we're considering moving corporate headquarters to Houston are completely unfounded."

When it was pointed out to Lalas that no such rumors existed, he replied, "Oh. Well then. It's hard to say what it is I see in you. Wonder if I'll always be with you. But words can't say, And I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you." At which point this blogger disgustedly threw a half-eaten cup of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream into Lalas' guitar case and slowly backed away.

17 November 2008

New Kyle Beckerman Cut Drops - Dancehall DJs Give Thanks and Praise

Hot off the presses, the latest from the Mighty Lightstepper, Kyle "Crofton Gong" Beckerman! MLS Rumors² has your back with an advance look at Ras Kyle's latest video!

Out in the street, they call it red card. Welcome to Sandrock, indeed.

Obama to "Fix MLS"?

Although edited from the 60 Minutes discussion that aired on Sunday, President-Elect Barak Obama had a few things to say about other sports in addition to NCAA football. According to rumored sources, Mr. Obama is believed to be investigating the need to establish a task force to assist MLS in changing for the better. The list of changes are potentially divisive among the MLS fan base and include such long-term Bigsoccer.com debates as the viability of promotion and relegation, the use of a single table, and the elimination of the MLS Playoffs. We have it on good authority that Obama believes in the "purity" of the game and would like to bring rationality to MLS. "The elimination of the shoot out and the keeping of time on the field have been great steps forward but we need to look at bringing ourselves into line with the major leagues in Europe to forge greater alliances and improve our reputation."

In response, MLS Supremo Don Garber probably had this to say "Well, of course we welcome suggestions and comments from the President-elect. It is clear the American people like his policies on MLS and we are looking forward to working together. However, we already have a competition committee and hope that the President-elect's task force does not overstep our authority as a private enterprise."

16 November 2008

Sacrifice "worth it" according to sources

It really was not a hard choice for the 53 year old virgin. The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey needed something extra to get them to the MLS Cup. He knew what he had to do.
Picture of the altar used in the sacrifice.

John X (Name Redacted to protect his family, who did not want to be associated with a family member being a fan of the RBNYRBoHNJ) agreed to become the virgin sacrifice necessary to propel the team to the "next level". Said an anonymous source at the ritual, "he was happy in the knowledge that he would have a direct result in the team advancing. He knew there was no other way forward. I think we all know the dismal history that has led up to this point." John X was a loner, which is why he apparently became an early member of at least one of the New York New Jersey Metrostars fan groups. His sister, Alice X, stated to MLS Rumors² "He was an outcast. He found a home inside the empty Giant Stadium. He always said the silence made him so peaceful."

Apparently the strategy has worked as Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey is now in the MLS Cup.

14 November 2008

Arena + Donovan

When Bruce Arena took the reins at the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson California, everyone speculated that he was drawn there due to the presence of one Landon Donovan.
"I made him, I can break him!

The question hung out there like a limp flag - Was Arena trying to re-write history about World Cup 2006 and prove that Donovan was the problem in Germany? Or was Arena trying to once again leverage Donovan, as in WC 2002, to get back his reputation, sullied by the Germany 2006 failure and the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey failure? Who could be sure, but one thing was clear, Arena and Donovan were back together.

Now, it appears that this true Hollywood story could be at an end. With the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California's failure to reach the playoffs since David "Don't call me a circus" Beckham joined the club, Landon realized his only hope at glory was to leave the country. He is "training" currently with Jürgen "I'm almost American" Klinsmann's Bayern Munich, which for all intents and purposes looks like a trial for both club and player.

"Wow, I cannot believe how many good players there are in the world. Back home everyone tells me I'm the greatest."

If Landon Donovan finds himself with a contract at the foreign club, how much time will pass before Bruce Arena is enrolled in a Berlitz class and using Rosetta Stone at home? He's always wanted to coach abroad...

12 November 2008

Goodwill for Obama

The US is getting assurance that the country will host World Cup 2018 or 2022. According to the Guardian, Obama's election has won the goodwill of some of FIFA's finest and will likely net a win in the World Cup hosting column (actual sporting results may vary).

"Hey, we cannot even afford to pay our players, how can I afford to build more on my house?"

We here at the MLS Rumors­­² went out to figure out who this "high placed" source at FIFA could be. And while we are not saying that we left any stone unturned, we can say that the sources we spoke with believe the source is none other than Diamond Jack Warner of Trinidad & Tobago. That is right, our discussion group believes that Diamond Jack is looking to get a quid pro quo arrangement with President-Elect Obama. We think that he is likely looking for a developmental loan because as you all know, he comes from a poor country and cannot afford to build a 80,000 sq ft. extension on his mansion without a grant from the rich and powerful United States.

10 November 2008

Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls Oust Dynamo; Satan: Bizarre Weather Patterns in Hell Man-Made

THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL, November 10, 2008:

Notorious gluttons gathered yesterday at an MLS viewing party were ecstatic when the Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls (brought to you by Red Bull: it gives you wiiiiiiiiiiings!) ousted two-time defending champions Houston Dynamo from the MLS Cup 2008 playoffs by a shocking 3-0 scoreline.
Satan: Bizarre weather "Certain[ly] man-made"

"We've all been pulling for Red Bulls," said Orson Welles. "For all eternity, Satan has buffeted the Third Circle with freezing rain, hail, and black snow. When the Red Bulls took the last playoff spot, the freezing rain let up...and after the Houston game, the hail disappeared. We're all hoping that if Salt Lake chokes, maybe the black snow will finally stop."

Satan was reached for comment at his Undisclosed location: "We don't know if there's any correlation between Red Bulls' success and the strange weather patterns that have been affecting us here in Hell, but we are certain that it is somehow man-made." When pressed further on the matter, Satan replied, "Listen, I'm the motherf*cking Prince of Darkness! I don't have to take this shit from you arugula-chomping, latte-sucking, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading media elite. This interview is finished!"

31 October 2008

Tree Falls In Forest, Out-Draws Revs-Fire

QUIMBY, Maine: Local authorities announced this morning that, on the evening of October 30, 2008, a tree fell in the forest approximately 2.2 miles to the north and east of this remote hamlet. Local alderman Jaques Courvoisier told MLS Rumors²: "It was a big sucker. Yawp, made quite a racket comin' down. I reckon at least 5,500 people musta heard it - it's prime huntin' season, and I bet the sound carried clear over to Presque Isle."

Phineas Parkhurst "Diamond Phin" Quimby, whose lifeless corpse helped boost the falling tree's attendance.

Last night's Revolution-Fire playoff match was "attended" by "5,221" "people" at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, meaning that the Revolution were out-drawn by a tree falling in a remote forest in northern Maine.

30 October 2008

Bonus Expansion Coverage: Vegas - the One that Got Away

"O deepest wound of all thy bid should die / On that darkest day. Oh, he could hide / The tears out of his eyes, too proud to cry."
There's no sugar-coating it, folks. When the housing bubble burst, followed by the credit crisis, Las Vegas was hit hard. Leading to the premature death of the city's expansion bid. This, my friends, was a tragedy on an epic scale, for Vegas would have been the Ultimate Road Trip Destination. Don't believe us? Let's take a look at the numbers, shall we?

Dining: 5 Not only is the town chock full o' celebrity chefs, it's also got some fantastic cheap eats, including some top-notch Korean places that cater to the cold-blooded blackjack dealers who just wiped you out in 15 minutes down the road at the Bellagio.
Entertainment: 6 (out of a possible 5). This would be a 7, but after Manticore the Tiger put an end to the Sigfried and Roy experience, well...let's just move on before we get all misty-eyed...
Site-Seeing: 5 If for some bizarre reason you get tired of checking out downtown and the Strip, you can hop into a helicopter and check out the Grand Canyon. Srsly.
"Entertainment": 6 (out of a possible 5). If you don't know you better ask somebod-ay!
Drinking: 5. You drink for free on the casino floors. Allow us to repeat that: you drink for free on the casino floors. Oh sure, you pay for it in the end, but still...free!
Climate: 1. Yeah, so, it's in the desert...

Final Score: 28 out of 30. Weep, gentle reader, for what might have been.

29 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates VII: Montreal

Poutine: don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Alright folks, here it is, the final chapter in our Expansion Opus...Montreal! Home of Formula 1 racing, poutine, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

Dining: 5 From cheap eats (poutine) to world class (and pricey as hell) restaurants, Montreal's got it all. Seriously. The food is fantastic.
Entertainment: 5 They have a casino. Allow us to repeat that: they have a casino. It is open 24 hours a day.
Site-Seeing: 3 It's not really a great city for site-seeing...then again, there's so much in the way of eating, drinking, entertainment, and "entertainment" going on that you really wouldn't bother visiting a bunch of world-class museums, even if they did have them.
"Entertainment": 5 Home of the world famous "Canadian Ballet." Remember, the ladies who don't quite make the cut at Cirqe de Soleil still have to make a living...
Drinking: 4 Bonus point for drinking age of 18.
Climate: 4 It can get hot and humid in the summer, and when it does, there isn't much in the way of AC available...however, it's generally more pleasant than the usual suspects (I'm looking at you, Houston, DC, and Frisco, TX).

Final Score: 26 out of 30! Tied with Portland! Of course, since there are two slots available, we don't have to pick a winner...but this is America, and we like winners and hate ties, Doug Logan said so, so we've got to settle this somehow...oh yeah! This is America! So we'll give the win to the American city, Portland, because those silly Poutine-Eating Surrender Monkeys won't care whether they win or lose! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

28 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates VI: Portland

Yeah, it's that cool.
Ah, the City of Roses! (Then again, Baltimore is "Charm City," so I wouldn't be surprised to discover that there aren't, in fact, any roses in Portland at all.) Home of one of the top supporters groups in that portion of North America that lies above the Rio Grande, the Timbers Army. Does Portland have what it takes to merit an MLS expansion side? Let's find out...

Dining: 4 A city that takes its food seriously. We thought about awarding a bonus point for Portland's alleged status as a mecca for vegetarians, but we love ourselves some meat, so we didn't.
Entertainment: 4 Bonus point for live music scene.
Site-Seeing: 4 Half a bonus point for a lively arts scene, and half a bonus point for outdoorsy-type shit, which some people might want to take in.
"Entertainment": 4 Bonus point because one of the hottest women this blogger went to college with spent a couple of years moonlighting as an "entertainer" in Portland...or maybe it was Seattle...whatever...[pauses to dial up "Centerfold" on iPod]
Drinking: 5 Mmmmmmm...beer. Beer in brewpubs. Beer in movie theaters. Yummy, yummy, malty, hoppy beer. Gallons and gallons of The Good Stuff. Certified top-notch brew. None of that Beer-Like Product they pawn off on the vulgar masses in St. Louis. Real f'ing beer. More breweries than Cologne, Germany. Mentioned by the late, great Michael Jackson (the sane one) as a candidate for Beer Capital of the World. If that's not worth 5 points, nothing is.
Climate: 4 Bonus point for relative lack of summer humidity (compared to, say, Miami, Houston, DC, or Atlanta).

Oh! Looks like Portland is tied with Vancouver with 25 points...

But wait! We're awarding one Big Rob Bonus Point for proximity to the Emerald Triangle! Which means...

Final Score: 26 out of 30! We have a new front-runner

27 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates V: Vancouver (UPDATED)

What was Steve Francis thinking? We may never know...
Alright, time for the second Canadian city on our list: Vancouver.

Remember when Stevie "Franchise" Francis was drafted by the then-Vancouver Grizzlies? Remember how he pouted for the rest of the televised draft, and then forced the Grizz to trade him to Houston?

I wonder what the hell he was thinking...and I'm sure that at some point during his first road trip to Vancouver as a member of the Rockets, he asked himself the same question: "What the hell was I thinking?"

With that aside out of the way, let's get to the numbers!
Dining: 4 A very good city for food. No denying it.
Entertainment: 3 Good but not great.
Site-Seeing: 4 Bonus point for all the cool outdoorsy stuff in the vicinity.
"Entertainment": 4 Hey, they've got an "entertainment district," right? Plus, with all those Japanese businessmen in town, you figure they've gotta have some decent, uh, establishments.
Drinking: 3 - bonus point for drinking age of 19, but point deducted for early closing time, assuming this article about bars closing at midnight outside the entertainment district is correct.
Climate: 4 Summer league and all that...

Final score: 22 25 out of 30. Not quite enough to take the top spot away from Miami...and Although with Portland and Montreal still to come, well, it looks like it won't will it be enough for Vancouver to make the MLS Rumors² cut? Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Taking Big Rob's comment into account, we are awarding Vancouver a 3 point "BC Bud Bonus." Why? Because that's how we roll, that's why. Of course, this just increases the "what was Steve Francis thinking?" factor.

24 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates IV: St. Louis

Ah, St. Louis...Home of the famous Gateway Arch, and the largest Belgian-owned brewery in the United States! Let's get down to it, shall we?

Dining: 3 We're being generous here, because we've actually had some good meals in St. Louis...but we had to look right hard to find them...and we've had some seriously terrible food there, too.
Entertainment: 3 Meh.
Site Seeing: 3 You've got the InBev brewery, and the Cahokia Mounds are nearby (those are really, really cool, actually...even if you do have to go through East St. Louis to get to them), but there's really not a whole lot to see compared to plenty of other cities in North America.
"Entertainment": 2(?) Just guessing here...no first-hand knowledge, no second-hand knowledge, and the city doesn't exactly have a Houston-like reputation for this sort of thing. Feel free to let us know your thoughts in the comments - we're willing to change this score if we're wrong
Drinking: 4 Bonus point for being the home of the official beer sponsor of MLS...even if some members of the MLS Rumors² staff consider Budweiser to be a "beer-like product" and not an actual beer. We also vaguely call buying yards of beer at some random bar down at the Landing...yards are good.
Climate: 3 Meh.

Final Score: 18 out of 30. Meh.

23 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates III: Atlanta



I mean...Really!?!

Atlanta? The consensus choice for worst major pro sports city in the U.S.?


Okay, fine, let's do this:

Dining: 3 Nothing special, but some good restaurants all the same.
Entertainment: 3 Again, nothing special.
Site Seeing: 2 This would be a 1, but then we remembered Detroit.
"Entertainment": 4 Bonus point for being the home of the notorious Gold Club.
Drinking: 2 No Sunday sales...and it took Georgia until 2005 to repeal their ridiculous 6% ABV limit on beer (thereby sparing Atlanta a 1 in this category).
Climate: 2 Don't we have enough hot and humid cities in MLS already?

Final Score: 16 out of 30...so yeah, really!?!

22 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates II: Miami

¡Bienvenido a Miami! Time for part II of our series grading the candidate cities for the next round of MLS expansion...up next: Miami!

Dining: 4 (this would be a 5, but there *are* a handful of better cities in North America for eating) - MLS Rumors² loves itself some Cuban food...plus, even if you keep it Kosher (thereby ruling out just about anything Cuban, with all that porky goodness), there are plenty of options in South Florida.
Entertainment: 5 Seriously, you gonna argue with this?
Site Seeing: 3 I know, I know, beaches, woot!1! However, if you're not the beachy type, well, too bad, no soup for you.
"Entertainment": 5 We've heard stories. You people know who you are.
Drinking: 3 Yes, lots of clubs...but those are way over-priced, so no bonus point - plus, the club scene is reflected in the Entertainment score, above. Also, if you're not a fan of mojitos and such, you're not exactly in drinkin' heaven.
Climate: 3 Repeat after me: MLS is a summer league.

Final score: 23 out of 30. Suck on it, Ottawa. Suck. On. It. Will Canada have the last laugh? Stay tuned!

20 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates I: Ottawa

Is MLS Heading Back to the Great White North?
Welcome to our new feature! Over the course of the coming week, MLS Rumors² will be grading the seven candidate cities for the next round of MLS expansion! Rather than re-hash the same old factors (ownership group, "soccer tradition", etc.) that all the other websites have already examined (yeah, we were on vacation...), we're taking a look at some factors that matter to us. Each factor is evaluated on a scale of 1-5, with 5 being teh bestest and 1 being teh suck.

First up: Ottawa!

Dining: 3 There's some good food in Ottawa, but it's no Toronto.
Entertainment: 2 Meh.
Site Seeing: 2 Look kids! Peace Tower, Junior Parliament!
"Entertainment": 4 (Rumor has it that there are some quality establishments in the area. MLS Rumors² hasn't the slightest idea what our sources were talking about, but there you have it.
Drinking: 4 Bonus point for the drinking age of 19.
Climate: 4 Remember, MLS is a summer league...where would you rather road trip to in July: Dallas, Houston, DC, or...Ottawa? Think about it.

Final Score: 19 out of a possible 30. Not bad, Ottawa...but will it be good enough? Stay tuned, folks.

13 October 2008

Spanish RFEF: Houston, You Don't Have a Problem

MADRID, 13 October 2008: The Spanish Football Federation (RFEF) today responded to racist comments made by a Houston Dynamo supporter towards DC United goalkeeper Louis Crayton at Robertson Stadium in Houston, Texas following the completion of yesterday's MLS match between United and the Dynamo. RFEF spokesman Jorge Carretero told reporters:
The Dynamo were quick to ban the supporter because of his racist statements. But the fans that go to Robertson are as fantastic as they are in Spain. The RFEF is quite certain that this supporter is as pure at heart as the fans who go to the Bernabeu. Therefore, the RFEF would like to invite this supporter to join us in Spain for our upcoming friendly against England, which will be played wherever the Spanish Federation thinks is best. We will even provide him a complimentary ticket in the section of Columbus Crew supporters who have already committed to attending.
Well then. Thanks for clearing that up for us Jorge, on what I know must have been a busy day for you.

10 October 2008

INTRIGUE :: Domino Effect

Rating :: 3

In a startling move, Domino Sugar has made a political play over the upcoming FIFA World Cup CONCACAF Region Second Round Group Stage qualifying match between these United States of America and Cuba. Leadership at the company has reportedly demanded, via CIA pouch, that the match not be played unless a guarantee of at least 6 defections can be delivered to corporate HQ by kickoff time (7:00 PM) on matchday (Oct. 11). Representatives of the company declined requests for comment. Multiple bartenders in Baltimore watering holes near the Domino Factory in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods of South Baltimore have provided MLSRumors² with some juicy scoopage on the rumored move.

According to Lucky, from Patapsco, who incidentally got that nickname from playing the ponies down at Pimlico, top brass at the factory have been making noise about their desire to see "a couple more Galindos playing in the MLS." Lucky also tells us that one of the managers mentioned some bitterness by some of the old timers at the company about Castro's seizure of sugar plantations in Cuba following the revolution led by himself and World Armchair Revolutionary Logo Merchandising Icon™ Ernesto "Che" Guevara in the late 50s.

It remains to be seen what will happen at RFK Stadium on Saturday evening. Will USSF bow to pressure from the Sugar giant? We shall see.

09 October 2008

Oh no, not again...

One of our favorite whipping posts on MLS Rumors Rumors comes through again. After spending a lot of time hanging out in bars, hair salons, coffee houses, and pizza joints looking for rumors about rumors, we find ourselves only needing to glance at the Colorado Rapids' website for a chuckle. Under the banner of "wear your best Carlos Valderama costume", the Rapids are making up for their lackluster relations with their fans by entertaining a costume party at Dick's Stadium. And rumor has it that there will also be a soccer match in conjunction with this halloween event. So, now you are being asked to show up to Dick's Stadium incognito so that you can avoid the embarrassment of actually being identified as a Rapids fan.

01 October 2008

MLS appeal for sanctions on FIFA

According to rumors surrounding MLS HQ, at a meeting between MLS Supremo Don Garber and US Vice President Dick Cheney, Garber has asked the United States government to levy sanctions against the Swiss-based FIFA. Why you might ask? Everyone knows there are questionable the practices at Football's governing body and that many people dislike the running of the organization, but sanctions do seem a bit out of place. The spat is due to FIFA's unwillingness to accomodate MLS' schedule in their plans for qualification. According to Garber, MLS cannot take a break for FIFA dates, so they lobbied for FIFA to reconsider their international dates. In response, Sepp Blatter told MLS officials that their request was not helpful to the promotion of all things FIFA.
Blatter: MLS is not doing all it can to promote FIFA.

MLS officials then held an internal meeting determine their next course of action. After review of US policy on countries and organizations that do not cave to the US way of thinking, MLS decided to begin their retaliation by imposing sanctions, having exhausted diplomatic efforts. However, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that this is not all that Garber has for options. According to a source in the document replication and disposal unit of MLS HQ, Garber has already reached out to people about putting together a commando raid on FIFA HQ and has investigated joining the G-14 clubs (i.e. the now 18 or more European clubs that want to break from UEFA to earn more money in a European Super League instead of domestic competitions) and has talked about having a word with "Diamond" Jack. Stay tuned here for updates on this developing rumor.

25 September 2008

Rumor: DC United to send Richmond Kickers to Mexico

MLS Rumors² has learned that DC United plans to sign the entire roster of USL-2 side Richmond Kickers to developmental contracts, in order to send the Kickers to Mexico City to face Mexican power Cruz Azul in a CONCACAF Champions League match. According to an employee of a Maggie Moo's in downtown Washington, DC:
KP [Kevin Payne, natch] was in here this morning, and he was ranting about the Champions League. He said, "Goddammit, the [radio edit] Islanders are 2-0, and f'ing Montreal got a draw against Atlante...I mean, I'm sick of this [poop]! You know what? You know what? If the USL is so [flibber-gibbered] great, why don't we just sign the [schpadoinkle] Kickers, and send them to Mexico instead! Hey, wait a minute...You taking this down, Sheldon?"

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors to suspend blogging to deal with Champions League crisis

WASHINGTON, DC, 25 September, 2008:

My friends, it has come to this. Our country today faces an unprecedented crisis. Without the passage of emergency legislation forking over hundreds of billions of dollars to people who have recently been responsible for the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars, our very way of life could collapse.

Therefore, my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have chosen to suspend blogging operations and travel across town to the Capitol to ensure that we don't spiral into a Second Great Depression.

My country has called, my friends, and I must answer.

22 September 2008

INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:
Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.
Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?
Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.

19 September 2008

Who is behind the MLS competition committee?

It is hard to understand the inner workings of the MLS HQ, who's on the staff, what decisions do they make, does Don Garber really not believe in casual Fridays, who thought the SuperLiga was a good idea? But no committee is more mysterious than the competition committee. This cabal of insiders determines the fixture lists, the various competitions and qualifications for those competitions (i.e. who decides that the 7 April meeting between San Jose and Salt Lake City is also the US Open Cup qualifier even if there are no official qualifiers for the US Open Cup or who gets the Concacaf Champions Cup spots), and created the SuperLiga tournament. I know many an MLS fan would like to kick them in the teeth (or perhaps a bit lower).

But thanks to the hard work and dedication of New York bartender's cooperative, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that no less a secretive and insidious organization than the Knights Templar runs the MLS Competitive Committee! Yes that secret society of medieval knights that has been involved with many a conspiracy theory throughout the ages, from Swiss Banking to the hiding of the Holy Grail to plaguing monarchs to pay their debts to satanic practices to witch hunts. So when it comes to kicking them in the teeth (or a bit lower), you may want to think twice before taking on these guys.

Fed to buy Thornton's contract: "Too big to fail"

WASHINGTON, DC, 19 September, 2008:
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson today announced that the U.S. government would use taxpayer funds to purchase the contract of Chivas USA goalkeeper Zach "What Pies, Bitch?" Thornton.

"Some goalkeepers really are too big to fail, and that's the way it is," said Doug Logan, a former Major League Soccer commissioner who is now at the Brookings Institution in Washington. "There are no good options."
Thornton: Too Big To Fail
Thornton's GAA recently surged to 1.76 - higher than even that of namesake Zach "Son of Near-Post Tony" Wells, who "boasts" a 1.65 GAA. "It's just mind-boggling that someone has a higher goals-against average than Wells," marveled Logan. "I mean, seriously...my mind is boggled. The feds really have no choice but to bail Thornton out. He's, what, 250? 260? Way, way to big to fail."

In a related development, Paulson indicated that the government would not be stepping in to stop the failure of the aforementioned Zach Wells. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and at this point, frankly, Wells just doesn't seem to be worth saving."

17 September 2008

Invest in MLS?

You'd be surprised to hear those words just a few weeks ago, but according to sources participating in a European Teleconference with Video, the calls to IPO for MLS are getting louder. Afterall, with billionaire backers, various stadia (for both soccer and non-soccer events), and having only lost several hundred millions of dollars in 12 years of existence, MLS is doing better than many firms on Wall Street. Various large investors are looking for a place to hide their money where it will not evaporate overnight, as has been the case with Lehmann Brothers, AIG, Bear Sterns, and many others. Sources claim that although this could infuse a large amount of capital into MLS, Supremo Don Garber is skeptical. "We need to make sure that investors are in line with our expectations. We don't want a large sum of money floating around the league that could potentially lead to higher salaries for players. If we can keep investors on hold until after the collective bargaining with the Players Extortionists, we'll make sure to look poor for the arbitrator and be able to continue paying players less per game than I make in an hour. In fact, this answer has earned me more than most developmental players make."

Rapids FO Strikes Again!

16 September 2008

US Star Fan Exits...

After weeks without a win and only dismal football on the horizon for the LA Galaxy, even long time superstar fan Drew Carey seems to be abandoning the team. When questioned by sources from the LA nightclub scene, Drew apparently said "Look I was already involved in a program where everything was made up and the points don't matter. I don't need to go to the Home Depot Center to see more of the same."

In a related note, AEG refused to comment on the rumor that the LA Galaxy was going to be leaving MLS to commit to a world wide tour with the New Jersey Generals Football Club.

WPS Allocations: LA Covers All The Bases

Via the Great and Powerful Insider, the WPS allocations:
WPS Allocation List
The following players from the U.S. women's national team player pool have been allocated to the seven inaugural clubs in Women's Professional Soccer.....

Boston Breakers:
MF-F Kristine Lilly, MF-F Angela Hucles, D Heather Mitts.

Chicago Red Stars:
MF Carli Lloyd, D Kate Markgraf, MF Lindsay Tarpley.

Los Angeles:
MF Shannon Boxx, D Stephanie Cox, MF Aly Wagner.

New Jersey Sky Blue FC:
MF-F Heather O'Reilly, F Natasha Kai, D Christie Rampone.

San Jose/S.F.:
MF Leslie Osborne, D Rachel Buehler, GK Nicole Barnhart.

St. Louis:
GK Hope Solo, D-MF Lori Chalupny, D Tina Ellertson.

Washington Freedom:
F Abby Wambach, D Cat Whitehill, D Ali Krieger.

International allocations will begin next week. Additional U.S., foreign and college dispersal procedures will take place over the next several months.
Must. Not. Make. Cheap. Joke. About. LA's. Allocations. Must. Refrain...

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 Los Angeles Luxxxury! We've got something for everyone!

Oh well. Looks like I fail. Again...

12 September 2008

Garber: Retirement is the new black.

With the breathless debate and interest raised by the news of Cuauhtemoc Blanco's retirement from international duty, Don Garber the MLS Supremo has decided that MLS will use retirement as a way to get news headlines.

First off, Kansas and Columbus will retire from obscurity. Apparently, these teams still exist and will actually market themselves as soccer events instead of just highlighting celebrity appearances and half time light saber duels. We believe that FC Dallas elected to remain retired from view in hopes of keeping all the pizza in Pizza Hut Park for themselves. Second, there is a serious debate about whether the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey will retire from their dismal record of failure. And finally, DC United fans steadfastly refused to retire from their arrogance about winning 12 major international and domestic trophies in 12 years of existence.

11 September 2008

IT'S ON! Blogger Bitch-Slap Fest!

Oh damn! Oh damn! It's on! It's on! It's on like Donkey Kong! It's on like Red Dawn! It's on like beer pong! [EDIT: via Squidbillies, It's on like Charles Bron-son! It's on like the movie Tron! It is not, however, on like Michelle Kwan, even though, yes, she did work hard to get where she is.]

Like, ohmigawd, right, this one guy has a blog, and, like, sometimes he cuts and pastes stuff from other blogs, like, you know, schedules and stuff, and he's, like, too busy wiping Cheeto dust from his fingertips to credit his sources, right?

So then this other guy has a blog, too, right? Only no one reads it, right? So he's, like, all, "Damn, no one reads my blog! WTF? I know, I'll totally pwn that other d00d, and then people will, like, read my blog instead!" So he's all, "ZOMG! You guys! That guy is teh plagiarizt!" And since no one reads his blog, he goes on BigSoccer and starts a thread, at which point it is Officially On!

And then I'm all reading it, right? Because, like, I have nothing better to do, you know? And I'm like, "wait, ZOMG!!1!!one!! *I'VE* got a blog that no one reads! I've gotta get me some of this hawt action!" So I whipped up this post, and now I'm going to go onto that thread on BigSoccer and link to it. Yep. Gonna get me some serious attention. It's gonna be teh awesums, you guys.

EDIT: I love me some Squidbillies after a hard day of blogging...

10 September 2008

UPDATED - Breaking: Pfizer New York?

It is hard to believe that Red Bull would be pulling out so soon, but according to a source at my local, who requested anonymity due to his/her position within/or not a Government or non-Governmental regulatory agency, Pfizer may be making a move into football (soccer for you diehard Americanish speakers). Pfizer New York would debut next season to replace Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey, sporting pale blue home jerseys and white away jerseys. Pfizer is currently in discussions with MLS brass about the sponsor name. According to sources, Pfizer is hopeful to promote their top brand of Viagra on the front of the home jersey instead of the corporate logo and other top brand of Lipitor on their away jerseys. MLS is worried about their premier sponsorships of unregulated supplement suppliers (i.e. Herbalife and Xango) being threatened by a real pharmaceutical company.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Like basically everything else on this site, this item is a parody. It's completely made up. Seriously. Also, I forgot to mention to my fellow contributors that my employer occasionally does work for the very very fine folks at Pfizer. So, yeah, this item is all in good fun. Love you guys. Love your products. I use Listerine™ every day, twice a day. Nothing beats a Luden™. I don't need Viagra™ yet, but it's good to know that it'll be there for me when the time comes. Also, you guys really shouldn't waste any money sponsoring anything to do with the New Jersey soccer franchise. Save your money for the Philly team. Or maybe Queens...but not Jersey. Leave Jersey to BMS - they deserve each other.]

UPDATE: According to source from the building trade working in my neighborhood, the deal is off. Garber is reported to have been worried that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey would be forced to carry a warning label indicating that anyone watching four hours of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey should seek immediate medical attention.

OUTGOINGish... Hudson to Tyneside

Premier League circus performers Newcastle United are mooted to be calling in Ray "Rocky" Hudson to take over for overgrown manchild Kevin Keegan. The former Patrick spokesmodel was either fired or resigned or is still manager depending on what reports you choose to believe, but all signs point to the hiring of the former DC United and Miami Fusion coach.

Anna Nicole Smith SizeMLSRumors² sources inside George Mirette hair salon in Coral Gables tell us that "Rocky" was positively effusive with his praise of the talent available at Newcastle. As he was being shampooed and toweled he said "There’s a lot of talent on this team, and I’m talking Anna Nicole Smith type of talent!" An apt description to be sure, given the preferred shape of things at St. James Park.

Talk is rife of Huddo's first signing being mercurial Argentine Juan Roman Riquelme, of whom the manager is an unabashed fan. He once said of Riquelme:

Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He's like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.

08 September 2008

Federal Government to take over FC Dallas: "Not a bailout" says official

From MLS Rumors² contributor BigKris comes this late-breaking report:

WASHINGTON, DC, 8 September, 2008:
Calling one of MLS's flagship franchises "Dangerously short of talent" the Office of Federal Sports Enterprise Oversight (OFSEO) Announced Sunday that it is putting FC Dallas under federal receivership, essentially a government takeover of the team.

In a conference call late Sunday afternoon, timed to precede the opening of Asian betting markets, Michael Brown, head of OFSEO, defended the action as a necessary step, "to reassure those who are emotionally invested in this team, as well as to prevent the contagion of suckitude from spreading further and threatening other, more stable teams". FC Dallas' Head coach, allegedly named "Schellas Hyndman," will be fired as a part of the federal takeover. Brown was also quick to deflect potential criticism that this amounted to a government bailout of the failing franchise: "This is in no way is this a bailout. Those who are complicit in creating this mess will be held accountable. Davino, I'm looking at you."

Concerns about whether Dallas had sufficient talent to see the season through had been rampant for months as the team traded or sold its most creative players in the summer transfer window. Confidence reached new lows on Thursday on reports that Dallas had lost a match at home to Colorado -- an allegation made even more incredible by the assertion, according to the report, that Mike "Wanker" Petke scored the game-winning goal. As this story goes to press, MLSRumors² has not yet been able to find anyone who actually saw this game in order to corroborate these reports.

This may not be the end of government intervention in the league; OFSEO officials confirmed that they have been in contact with their sister agency in Canada, the Sport Oversight Ministry, about a potential nationalization of Toronto FC. "They're still weighing their options," said an OFSEO source. "They may be able to muddle through until hockey season starts, at which point no one will care about TFC anymore."

06 September 2008

BREAKING: Eddie Johnson vanishes from team hotel, presumed to have defected

HAVANA, 6 September 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from an inside source who spoke to a bartender at the U.S. national team's hotel this morning that U.S. forward Eddie "Grown-Ass Man" Johnson has vanished from the team hotel, and is presumed to have defected. According to our source:
Eddie is pretty desperate for first-team playing time, and things weren't looking good for him at Cardiff City. At this point, his only other option was "pulling a Wolff" and returning to Kansas City with his tail between his legs...and he figured the Grown- Ass thing to do was to defect to Cuba instead. He's pretty sure he can get some minutes for FC Pinar del Río.
Johnson: Grown-Ass Defector?
Our source also informed us that Bob Bradley is still planning on listing Johnson in tonight's starting lineup, because, "frankly, most people probably won't notice the difference."

04 September 2008

Season through September - Part 1

Garber and company are looking to expand several midseason tournaments designed to build interest in MLS. One is the expanded Super Liga – our sources believe that not only will the competition include an additional four MLS teams but will also solicit teams from Europe, MLS has so far approached Chelsea, Manchester United, Liverpool, Barcelona, AC Milan, Real Madrid. The understanding is to get these teams to turn their friendlies into matches for the Super Liga.

Phil Anschutz nixed Ruud Gullit and his regime of “sexy football”. Apparently the ultra-conservative billionaire misunderstood Gullit’s accent and thought he was talking about “winning football”.

AEG also allowed Alexi Lalas to “pursue other ventures”. The red haired one apparently left the building under security escort screaming “you’ll regret this! My sad song and waltzes are going to totally rip you apart! The people will know all.” To date, Mr. Lalas has been unsuccessful in getting record producers to believe that sad songs and waltzes will be popular this year.

Kenny Cooper met with Steve Ralston at a bar in DC to discuss the best way to avoid a national team call up. Although rumors persist that Bruce Arena was actually in attendance, we understand that he just mailed in his advice.

FC Toronto is pretty upset about the MLS’ rules on streamers after some Kolumbus Krew fan said a nasty word to a player. So, they have secured the services of the most petulant and aggressive players available. Rumors abound that they are seeking to trade for Cuahtemoc Blanco, Seth Stammler, Jay Heaps, Joey Franchino, and Pablo Mastroeni. Sources stated that they must be thinking, “Ok, so we’ve got Amado Guevara and Carlos Ruiz, how can we make all the other teams fans apoplectic without actually winning a game?”

And speaking of Blanco, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that Cuahtemoc has multiple crowd shots in his house of Fire fans. He uses these as targets for darts, in his toilet, and on his cutting boards. He is also thinking of installing a mock up of Section 8 for the back yard so he can use it for target practice for his 12 gauge shotgun. When asked about his apparent dislike, Blanco responded “The fans suck and I’m just showing my support for the poor maligned security professionals that do nothing but bend over backwards for these rowdies. And what thanks do they get? They get argued with, hurt carrying fans from the section, and bruised knuckles from fans’ jaws.”

02 September 2008

MLS Rumors² staff holes up over holiday, survives on Yuengling and bratwurst

...and feels absolutely no shame about it.

More scurrilous rumors and innuendo to follow soon. Seriously, we know we're getting pwned in the rumor business this week, what with Sarah Palin's Grandbabydaddy grabbing headlines and all, so as this here short work week unfolds, we're going to do our damndest to disprove the notion that the truth is stranger than fiction.

28 August 2008

Garber: Revs, Chivas "Not Tired Enough;" SuperLiga '09 to Double in Size

Reached from his secret volcano lair, MLS Commissioner Don "The Don" Garber today told MLS Rumors² that he was disappointed in the performance of both New England and Chivas USA in their recent CONCACAF Champions League qualifiers. "Frankly, I expected them to lose by more than they did. It's a disappointment. We set the schedule up the way we did - SuperLiga, playing on international dates, loading the league schedule towards the end of the season - so that these guys would fail miserably, and maybe shut the hell up about the missing $850,000 in SuperLiga money. And what do they do? Sure, they go and lose to a couple of minnows, but they didn't get *crushed.* The Revs in particular really need to be taken down a peg. I'm disappointed, but we'll come back next year with a bigger, longer, SuperLiga. That ought to do the trick."

The Don then added, "Thank god Cruz Azul are in DC United's group. That oughta be good for another 5-0 beatdown in Mexico City, right?"

26 August 2008

EXCLUSIVE: New Gomito Country Song!

Ask not for whom la Barra sings. It sings for thee.
MLS Rumors² has an exclusive for you! A confidential inside source just sent us the lyrics to Christian Gomez' hawt new country tune, "Commerce City Blues" - check it out:
I hear la Barra singin'
They're bouncing in the stands
And I ain't seen 90 minutes since I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Commerce City, and time keeps draggin' on
But those fans keep a singin' on down in Wash-ing-ton...
When I was just a baby my mama said, "Christian,
Always be a good boy, don't ever make demands."
But I ended up a Rapid just for an extra year
When I hear those fans a singin', I hang my head in tears...

I bet there's players playin' in a fancy tournament
They're probably speakin' Spanish and can't hear my lament.
Well I know I had it coming, I know I can't be free
But those fans keep a singin'
And that's what tortures me...

Well if they freed me from the Big Dick,
If la Barra sang for me
I bet I'd move it on right back to Washington, D.C.
Far from Commerce City, that's where I want to stay
And I'd let la Barra Brava sing my blues away...

25 August 2008

Goff sprains finger; out 3-4 weeks

Goff: not immune from DC's injury plague
The injury bug that has plagued DC United all season spread into the press box this Saturday, as ace Washington Post staff writer and Legendary Soccer Insider Steven "Goff" Goff sprained his left ring finger. He is currently expected to miss 3-4 weeks, but is flying to Munich, Germany today to consult with legendary surgeon Dr. Ulrike Muschaweck. In his absence, his slot will be filled by backup Paul Tenorio.

MLS Rumors² caught up with Goff on his way to Dulles airport: "It's a bit of a blur, but I think I sprained it typing the 's' in 'shutout'. I just haven't had to type that word much this season, and I think the long layoff really hurt me." When asked if this was all just a boondoggle to finagle a trip to Munich, Goff replied: "This interview is over."

21 August 2008

U.S. gets first-ever qualifying win at Guatemala; Bradley greeted at airport by pitchfork-wielding mob

Following the first-ever qualifying win by the U.S. at Guatemala, Bob Bradley arrived stateside this morning to an angry mob of pitchfork and torch-wielding fanatics calling for his head. MLS Rumors² held its nose and ventured into the BigSawker post-match thread so you don't have to, and we came away with some insight into what those angry villagers are thinking (remember folks, these are actual quotes from actual BigSawker posters):

"Bob Bradley needs to be punched in the face by every single USA player who put his time in..."

"Fire Bradley"

"our players, fans, and alumni deserve better than what Bradley gave us tonight"

"Bradley's system makes Donovan invisible"

"Bob Bradley needs to learn every game against any team in CONCACAF, becides for Mexico is a MUST WIN, and most of the time a very easy win if we play to our potential."

"Bob Bradley: What the hell? Do you seriously just want us to fail?"


"bradley is too mediocre a coach to be at the helm of our national program."

"Bradley needs to go, we are better than this defensive and fearful approach and if we want to improve we need to take the game to other teams and not be scared of our opponents or it will be another three and out."

"the bottom line is that bob bradley can coach us to victories against mediocre teams with sub-par tactics and talent -- but when it comes to the big stage, we are consistently underwhelming."

"Bradley has shown a wonderful inability to learn from past lessons."

"I honestly cannot believe Bradley has ever watched a soccer match above the MLS level or that we play with the tactical sophistication of an NCAA team - by design! Its embarassing."

MMMMMMMMMMM, that's good hatin' right there. Have a cheeto for me, "lads."

20 August 2008

INCOMING: Ruiz, T.O. to Toronto

Rating: None of your damn business. What? What?

In an attempt to consolidate all of MLS' bad boys on one SuperClub, TFC today announced the signing of both Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruiz and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "T.O." Owens. Owens will fill TFC's designated player slot.

T.O.: TO Bound?

"It's just a natural fit," said Toronto Manager "Trader" Mo Johnston. "We cannae set a record for red cards without brining in some new blood. Puttin' these lads together wi' Amado [Guevara], it's a guarantee someone'll go aggro at least once a match. I'm talkin' absolutely fookin' radge, man."

When asked why on earth he would be interested in setting such a record, Johnston spat, then proclaimed, "That wee git Nicol said I couldnae do it, and I've a mind tae prove him wrong."

Owens held a press conference in his driveway, where he did numerous sit-ups while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, explained that this move was all part of a plan to "expand the T.O. brand."

19 August 2008

ON THE MOVE: Monterrey Security to Columbus?

Rating: 2 (for the show)

This fist is racist.

MLS Rumors² just received the following email from a bartender at a Columbus area TGI Friday's:
The Crew are just putting the finishing touches on a deal with the Fire to swap 1,000 cases of bratwurst for Monterrey Security. It's just such a natural fit - who better to handle a horde of racist fans than a horde of racist security guards? And come on, brats and Chicago? Perfect together! The Fire tried to Jew the Crew up to 1,500 cases and a half-ton of Velveeta, but the Hunts stood strong. Wait, is it okay to say "Jew the Crew"? I mean, that's the phrase my source used, but now that I think about it, that sounds kinda, well, racist...huh...oh well. Heil Crew!
This fist is anti-racist. Look how different they are!

Monterrey Security: Coming soon to a Nordecke near you?

18 August 2008

ON THE MOVE: Blanco to Rapids for Gomez? [UPDATED]

Gomito: Heading to Chicago with his posse? (Photo by flickr user IntangibleArts, used, uh, well, without permission...sorry! and linked via creative commons license... Thanks dude!)

MLS Rumors² has learned that embittered Chicago midfielder Cuahtemoc "Our Supporters Are [Garbage]" Blanco has requested a trade to the Colorado Rapids. Our super-secret source wrote us the following:
Cuah really wants to be part of an organization that shares his philosophy regarding supporters. Colorado, with its proven track record of disdain for its own supporters groups, is just a natural fit. He knows that if he finds anyone the least bit annoying, he need merely gesture to security, and the entire section will be cleared. Quite frankly, no other team in MLS can match that level of contempt for its own fans. Red Bulls were close, but their recent move to replace NJSEA security in Section 101 is a real step backwards for them.
Meanwhile, Christian Gomez, who once famously joined DC United away supporters for a match at the Meadowlands and drummed until his hands blistered, will be a natural fit in Chicago, since, as our source put it: "He actually likes supporters. I think it has something to do with him being from Argentina, because none of us here can quite understand it."

UPDATE: Remember how we said Blanco was Beyond Parody? We lied.

17 August 2008

BREAKING: Blanco Officially "Beyond Parody"

CHICACO, 17 August, 2008: Chicago Fire midfielder Cuahtemoc Blanco offically moved "beyond parody," according to a panel of MLS Rumors Rumors staff writers. This follows the volatile player's post-game quote that his own team's supporters (who were protesting allegedly racist behavior by stadium security) are "[garbage]." Of course, he didn't really say "garbage," but the Tribune is a family newspaper, so we here at MLS Rumors Rumors don't know what actual slur Blanco used. Feel free to let us know in the comments, since, well, we're not a family blog.
Mr. White celebrates an own-goal in front of Section 8
The slander was rendered extra-super-duper ironic, as it comes on the heels of Blanco's own run-ins with police and stadium security.

"There's just nothing we can make up that even approaches what Blanco does all on his own," said one MLS Rumors Rumors writer. "I mean, seriously, this guy has a disciplinary record a mile long (*cough* domesticviolence *cough*), and he's criticizing his own team's supporters as drunks and [garbage]? Wow. We just can't top that. It's not even worth trying. Frankly, I'm rather disillusioned by this whole situation. This has to be the lowest point of my making shit up career."

15 August 2008

INCOMING: Arena to Galaxy - "I want no one else to succeed"

There Will Be Bruce
Arena: "I have a competition in me."
With the world of MLS abuzz with the possibility of Bruce Arena taking the reins from yet another pint-sized former-player-turned-interim-coach in Los Angeles, MLS Rumors² went digging for the motives behind The Bruce's habit of coaching his former team's bitter rivals. We caught up with the coaching legend at an undisclosed location in Southern California:

The Bruce: Are you an angry man, EdTheRed?
MLS Rumors²: About what?
The Bruce: Are you envious? Do you get envious?
MLS Rumors²: I don't think so. No.
The Bruce: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
MLS Rumors²: That part of me is gone... working and not succeeding...all my failures has left me...I just don't...care.
The Bruce: Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to win enough titles that I can get away from everyone.
MLS Rumors²: What will you do about your boy?
The Bruce: I don't know. Maybe it will change. Does your talent come back to you? I don't know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
MLS Rumors²: But he worked for Andrulis...
The Bruce: I don't want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, EdTheRed... to have you here gives me a second breath. I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people. Muahahahahahahaha!

Updated: Transfer News: Latest to join the European Transfer Wave

Say it ain't so... The long standing fan favorite player/coach of DC United, OTC, is rumored to be looking at a European transfer. His agent, Johnson Gregor of Sport Agency Representation, indicated that the striker/utility player had received offers from a variety of clubs from France, Germany, Italy, Poland, and Scotland.
Reportedly OTC is dissatisfied with his lack of appearances for DC United and is looking to make a move to get more first team time.

At the training ground, OTC was mum on the possibility of a transfer.

In a telephone interview, his agent stated, "There was a lot of speculation that DC United was going to try him out as a keeper. My client has never played that position but was willing to give it a go. Now DC United appears to be moving in another direction. Of course OTC is unhappy."

Sources familiar with the idea of the transfer market suspect OTC could be had for a steal in the range of $2.99 to $4.99, making him quite attractive in the transfer market.
Update: In discussing with sources close to OTC, we have uncovered a wealth of discontent. After years of being the "next big thing" and never getting a shot, OTC has no intention of rejoining DC United and would be willing to move to any side in Europe. After being pegged as the replacement for Roy Lassiter, OTC was tapped as the potential replacement for coach Thomas Rongen in a player/coach situation. When those two developments fell through, OTC continued to show up at training everyday saying at the time through his agent, "I will be a DC United player until the day someone says they don't want me." After being a shoe-in for the keeper position with the dismissal of Jose Carvallo and the lackluster form of Zach Wells, the club has elected to look outside the team for a new keeper instead of going with OTC. This apparently is a rejection too far.

14 August 2008

Shocking Alert: MLS Rumors Rumors invaded by Eurosnobs!

One man's protest against Eurosnobbery at MLS Rumors RumorsWith alarming swiftness, Eurosnobbery has entered the underground headquarters of MLS Rumors Rumors.
One man's protest against Eurosnobbery at MLS Rumors²
Despite the name of the website, readers have been subjected to news from the outside world! Said one inquiring mind: "Look, I really only care about MLS. I mean those leagues in Europe don't even have playoffs? How can I take that seriously? What does the championship mean if it does not pit the top teams against each other at the end of the season in an elimination tournament? How can you declare someone the winner that beats Derby County, Reading, or Westmeath to win the title but loses to Arsenal, United, and Liverpool?"

Sources at MLS Rumors Rumors confirmed that eurosnobbery was taking hold.
"I saw one guy sporting a Liverpool scarf in his office but where is his MLS stuff? Nowhere to be seen! That guy talks a good MLS game but when it counts, he looks at us like a summer fling. Come August, he is all 'pool all the time."