21 May 2010

Breaking: DC United Interested In Argentinean Coach

After years of scouting and hiring Argentinean players, DC United is making a move to hire a coach from the soccer mad country. Sources willing to remain anonymous and speculative suggested that the club was waiting until after the world cup to “get their man”.

”Our current target has some duties until the end of the World Cup and then we are looking to announce him to the world. Trust us, he is a name you will all recognize.”

DC United’s disappointing season has brought them to the brink of this dramatic action and with the mid-season firing of Onalfo only one vote of confidence away, the team is planning for the future. Speculation surrounds the current Argentinean National Team coach, Diego Maradonna. He has the playing experience, the language skills, and if Argentina fails to impress at the Cup, incentive to leave Argentina before the mob gets him.

Could he be the next mid-season Argentinean import for DC United?

19 May 2010

Confirmation: Thierry Henry to Stain Reputation

As we have been reporting all along, media reports of Thierry Henry's pending transfer to MLS have taken a big step forward. The Boston Globe is reporting that an MLS official confirmed the speculation that will send the French forward to the US after the World Cup. We here at MLS Rumors Rumors are proud to say that we helped break the story and bring it to you, first-ish.

According to the speculation, Thierry Henry believes that his handling techniques are uniquely suited for the debacle that is the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey and he is looking forward to pouting, diving, and generally making fun of the referees in MLS.

"I am particularly, eh, looking forward to meeting up with this, how you say, Abbey Okulaja. I, eh, believes that he would buy my nod, shuffle, handball even if I were to do it five centimeters from his face."

Latest: Mexican National Team Bid for US

According to sources that may understand Spanish, the Mexican Futbol Federation is looking to move to the United States. Sources report that the Mexican Federation's success at drawing large crowds in the United States has them contemplating a move north. The plan would be to challenge the US Soccer's right to represent the United States at FIFA events.

A representative speculating on the Mexican Federations position said:
"We have done our research. According to documents uncovered, FIFA has a clause for minorities. We are going to talk to Diamond Jack about getting us in under this clause. We should be representing the territory of the United States within the next World Cup cycle."

MLS Rumors Rumors could not confirm the use of evil laughter after the above speculation. US Soccer officials were unavailable for contact after rumored to be "wining and dining" people in South Africa.

18 May 2010

Witchcraft: Disgruntled Player(s) Suspected of Hexing Bob Bradley

A picture of Bob Bradley before the hexing.

According to rumors surrounding the United States National Team coach, he has been feeling hot flashes in his limbs and head areas. He has also been suffering from needling pains throughout his body. These events occur usually in the evening and are suspected to be the result of a voodoo doll hex placed upon the coach.

Bob Bradley suffering from a hotflash.

Suspects include a number of players unhappy about not being selected to Bob Bradley’s squad preparing for the World Cup in South Africa. At this time the list of potential players includes the likes of Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies, Jeff Cuningham, Kyle Beckerman, and Troy Perkins and we are expecting more to join as Bob Bradley releases another seven players to comply with the 23 man roster requirement.