05 June 2010

Investigation: Adidas' Secret for New World Cup Ball

As has been reported before every World Cup in recent memory, players, coaches, and goalkeepers are complaining about the new ball. While this is not news to anyone, we here at MLS Rumors­­² have done some digging about why the ball is so "lively".

Adidas has decided to put a hamster in every ball! That is right, a live hamster in every Jubalani ball!

According to an anonymous Adidas source:
"We got the word from FIFA to make the ball a bit more exciting. Our technicians worked for 10 years and we were still no further along than our 2006 Teamgeist ball. Then Hans von Deinkle was at home with his kids looking at his hamster roll around the floor. Inspiration struck and now we've got a ball that really changes the game."

According to the Adidas technicians, the hamster is perfectly cushioned inside a hermetically sealed SafeTZone™.
"This SafeTZone™ protects the hamster during the match to prevent them from feeling any of the impacts on the ball from feet, hands, knees, and heads. Additionally, the inside has been lined with HamsterFutter™ brand feed, so that the hamster has the energy necessary for a full 90 minute match. We don't want to see one of our balls go to sleep during the match. HamsterFutter™ has all the nutrients and stimulants that a hamster could want to make sure it has the stuff to go a full 90 minutes at such an important event."

After each match, the hamsters are removed from the ball and taken to the super secret FIFAHamsterZonePlayZone™ for rest and relaxation until the next match.

01 June 2010

Rossi: I Can Has World Cup? Azzurri: NOT YOURS!

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned via the interwebs that Giuseppe Rossi has been left off Italy's World Cup roster. We contacted the U.S. Soccer Federation for an official reaction, and received only the following short video in reply:

DaMarcus Beasley Could Quit Over Jamar Snub

Not to be outshone by the brouhaha unfolding around snubbed Mexican international Jonathan dos Santos and his brother Giovanni, DaMarcus Beasley is considering quitting the United States' World Cup squad following the omission of his brother Jamar.

The players' father, Henry, is enraged by coach Bob Bradley's decision not to take both of his sons to South Africa - and he now wants both of them to quit the squad permanently.

Jamar Beasley in his U.S. kit. Yeah, yeah, it's a futsal kit, but try telling that to DaMarcus.

Henry, who is not a former professional player, said: "DaMarcus is very hurt and he wants to be at home with us. He is there now and he's not well. We don't know if he will play (at the World Cup) or not. We still don't know anything.''

Jamar is also set to quit international football over the snub - something his father completely agrees with. "Jamar told me that he is going to quit the U.S. team and I don't want him playing for them anymore anyway,'' Henry added. "Also, my understanding is that the grapes in South Africa are so sour as to be virtually inedible, so Jamar didn't want them, anyway. Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my ball so I can take it and go home...that's right, screw you guys, I'm going home."