08 May 2010

Latest: DC United Announces Latest International Friendly

DC United is proud to announce that in July the team will be facing the international powerhouse FC Santa Coloma from the Andorran First Division. The team is touring the United States to reward their loyal fanbase and to make inroads in the lucrative US soccer market. DC United apparently came upon the idea after the mother of the trainer for FC Santa Coloma sent them a DVD with highlights.

Look, we are always trying to get the best in here. We saw this DVD and said, that is a team we need to play! They are awesome. So stylish. We saw this one guy dribble an entire team four times - he even had the same moves and the guys still bought them every time. Reminded us of the Preki moves. Wonderful. Our supporters will be enthralled.

The match is scheduled to take place at FED Ex Field in Landover, Maryland. Tickets start at $100.

06 May 2010

Latest: Kraft Informed of Operator/Owner Status

According to the best sources at the local establishment we frequented, the Kraft family just recently found out that they still were in charge of the New England Revolution. Apparently, members of the family were complaining about the lack of signings and spate of injuries and all of the red cards, when it was brought to their attention that they in fact are still in charge of the organization.

“We had no idea. We know that we owned and operated them a few seasons ago but really it just slipped our minds. I think we might need to spend some time figuring out how we can get a few more players that have done more than play FIFA 2010.”

05 May 2010

Rumor: DC United Wins Game

Sources that may have been at RFK tonight have confirmed that DC United has actually won a match. According to the rumor, DC United's Australian striker Chris Pontius Daniel Allsop scored two goals in the first half. Two goals!

We will keep abreast of this rumor because obviously someone has been drinking too much at the tailgate.

Breaking: MLS to Award Style Points

Apropos of recent comments to the media, we have learned from e-mails being sent around the league’s competition committee of a pending dramatic change in how the standings will be determined. The league will hire three judge panels for each match and will award points based on style.

“This is just the most logical move for our product. We know that our consumers want to see stylish play over boring 0-0 draws. We will be rewarding teams that play ‘the beautiful game’. It is what the consumers want from our product.”

As we understand it, each judge will be awarding points based on the number of passes, step-overs, Cruyff-turns, dekes, fakes, and nutmegs. Each team will have points deducted for fouls and turnovers. The three judges will then present their final scores based on a 10 point scale. The team with the most points will be awarded an extra three points in the standings and get a gold star. A team that does not make the playoffs on points but has more gold stars than everyone else will be given a special honor at the end of the season.

Speculation on who might be the first named judges...

Payne: United Fans "Not Drinking Enough"

Since the team's inception, D.C. United's supporters' aim has been not only to cheer for their team, but also to do so while consuming a certain quality of alcohol reflecting what was consumed by necessity during United's bleak campaigns under Thomas Rongen and Ray Hudson.

Barra Brava elders and Screaming Eagle board members shudder at the idea of employing cynical, flip cup-style tactics and cheap domestic beer such as Natty Light and Milwaukee's Best in order to kill sufficient brain cells. For the betterment of the young league, they argue, supporters should self-medicate with a certain amount of style, and if they sometimes pass out in the stands on a road trip, or in the audience at the MLS SuperDraft, so be it.

After watching United lose its first five matches this season and continuing to wake up the day after matches haunted by painful memories of repeated second-half collapses, however, United's supporters are in no position to concern themselves with aesthetics. The clubs are in frantic need of more alcohol, by any means, and seem certain to alter their tactics starting Wednesday night against the Kansas City Wizards at RFK Stadium.

Out: Bell's Two-Hearted Ale

"We discussed some things to try to get the group focused on drinking more, no matter how ugly things get," Screaming Eagles President Paul Soutodeh said. "Since I have checked our beer and liquor receipts recently, we haven't gotten any points for style. We're not worried about that right now. If we get the ship righted and if we add a few seasonal brews in the summer, maybe then we will try to go back to drinking the kind of booze we want to drink."

Barra Elder Chico Solares identified glimmers of hope Saturday, a 1,500-person tailgate prior to a loss to the New York Red Bulls that unraveled after a promising first hour. Although his group made better use of kegs, memories remained for many members the following morning.

United President Kevin Payne agreed with the supporters' harsh self-assessment: "I don't think they have earned the right to drink good beer," Payne said. "More to the point, it's not working. If it's not working, you have to drink something else."

Changes might come with mixed drinks, where various vodka concoctions have struggled. Cheap tequila, in the form of margaritas, has not made an official appearance since last fall, but will likely start today, as part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

In: ¡El Toro!

Further moves are likely inside the stadium later this summer, when local beer distributors try to move large quantities of overrated, overpriced imports. United technical director Chad Ashton recently spent two weeks in Argentina and is scheduled to drink heavily in Europe and Africa this month.

"We could use some better beer at a few stands inside the stadium, but that is not why people remember that we are 0-5," Payne said. "People remember that we are 0-5 because they haven't been drinking as heavily as they need to be, collectively or individually. It seems like every game four or five guys don't throw up."

Asked if some supporters are simply not dissolute enough to drink away the front office's failures, he said, "There is a point with certain supporters which you have to say, 'Maybe this is it, maybe this is what they are going to drink and maybe it's not as much as we think it is.'"

04 May 2010

Rumors or Myth: Thierry Henry to DC United

According to Internet rumors, DC United may be lined up to secure the services of Thierry Henry. Why? Well, because frankly the team needs someone like him. He could probably score half a dozen goals off of counter-attacks before most DC United players cleared their penalty box. I'm not saying that DC United's style of play has been slow of late but I've seen glaciers that move the ball faster.

However, we here at MLS Rumors Rumors call BS on this particular rumor. Why? Because we have checked all of our sources from across the East Coast and find little to no indication that anyone is stocking up on French wine. We believe that just like many before him, Mr. Henry's agent and publicist and hair stylist are promoting these rumors in order to extract another European transfer for the famous striker. Without much playing time at Barcelona, Mr. Henry's headlines disappear but with a few well placed rumors about a potential MLS signing, he's back on the front of the tabloids.

If Thierry Henry does somehow make it to MLS, we feel it would be tough to not find him in LA, New Jersey, or Seattle rather than DC. How that works in the salary cap and allocation is quite irrelevant. When Thierry Henry calls, MLS is going to say "Yes sir. No problem, sir. We'd love to accomodate you, sir. Can we fluff you some more, sir?"

Breaking Update:
According to more Internet rumors, Barcelona will be willing to let Henry leave before the end of his contract... Inquiring minds will want to keep track of this because I could see Henry packing his luggage full of aging European and South American stars longing to breathe the free air of MLS...

Breaking: DC United Injury Woes Extend to Fans

MLS Rumors Rumors has just become aware that DC United fans have fallen to the injury bug that has decimated the team and the front office. According to our source, in the aftermath of the match last Saturday, at least 50% of the fans have experienced blindness, nausea, headaches, and memory loss, the remaining 50% are being examined for severe depression and anxiety.

“It must have been sometime around the 50th minute, I was watching the match and then all of a sudden everything went black! The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey were making an attacking move and that was the last thing I saw. I don’t know what happened! I haven’t been able to see anything since then!”

Some fans are resorting to homemade anti-depressants

Fans are being told to report to physicians immediately for assistance. The American Psychiatric Association is advocating that all DC United fans take large doses of anti-depressants. According to a certain Sunday evening TV show, it is possible to cook up some home-made anti-depressants in your basement if you do not have health insurance and cannot wait until 2041 for the recent healthcare bill to go into effect.

03 May 2010

Latest: FDA to Ban Houston’s Kit?

Sources aware of the FDA and their regulatory power speculate that the FDA may be considering placing a warning label on the Houston Dynamo’s kits. The dyes used to make the kits are reportedly potentially dangerous and include various reds and yellows that could cause untold damage to retinas around the country. While the Houston Dynamo have been around for a few years, the FDA has just recently become aware of post-marketing long-term study data that may show a link between retinal damage and the Houston Dynamo.

An FDA spokesperson would probably say,
“Look, these safety issues take time. We did not get nice long-term data before market approval of the kits. We requested and the Houston Dynamo provided a nice post-marketing study reporting adverse events. Remember it took years for us to identify the safety signals with compounds such as Vioxx, Fen-phen, and others, you cannot expect us to do our homework before it is assigned. We are now evaluating our obligations and the dangers to the public over these hideous kits.”