19 September 2008

Who is behind the MLS competition committee?

It is hard to understand the inner workings of the MLS HQ, who's on the staff, what decisions do they make, does Don Garber really not believe in casual Fridays, who thought the SuperLiga was a good idea? But no committee is more mysterious than the competition committee. This cabal of insiders determines the fixture lists, the various competitions and qualifications for those competitions (i.e. who decides that the 7 April meeting between San Jose and Salt Lake City is also the US Open Cup qualifier even if there are no official qualifiers for the US Open Cup or who gets the Concacaf Champions Cup spots), and created the SuperLiga tournament. I know many an MLS fan would like to kick them in the teeth (or perhaps a bit lower).

But thanks to the hard work and dedication of New York bartender's cooperative, MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered that no less a secretive and insidious organization than the Knights Templar runs the MLS Competitive Committee! Yes that secret society of medieval knights that has been involved with many a conspiracy theory throughout the ages, from Swiss Banking to the hiding of the Holy Grail to plaguing monarchs to pay their debts to satanic practices to witch hunts. So when it comes to kicking them in the teeth (or a bit lower), you may want to think twice before taking on these guys.

Fed to buy Thornton's contract: "Too big to fail"

WASHINGTON, DC, 19 September, 2008:
Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson today announced that the U.S. government would use taxpayer funds to purchase the contract of Chivas USA goalkeeper Zach "What Pies, Bitch?" Thornton.

"Some goalkeepers really are too big to fail, and that's the way it is," said Doug Logan, a former Major League Soccer commissioner who is now at the Brookings Institution in Washington. "There are no good options."
Thornton: Too Big To Fail
Thornton's GAA recently surged to 1.76 - higher than even that of namesake Zach "Son of Near-Post Tony" Wells, who "boasts" a 1.65 GAA. "It's just mind-boggling that someone has a higher goals-against average than Wells," marveled Logan. "I mean, seriously...my mind is boggled. The feds really have no choice but to bail Thornton out. He's, what, 250? 260? Way, way to big to fail."

In a related development, Paulson indicated that the government would not be stepping in to stop the failure of the aforementioned Zach Wells. "We have to draw the line somewhere, and at this point, frankly, Wells just doesn't seem to be worth saving."

17 September 2008

Invest in MLS?

You'd be surprised to hear those words just a few weeks ago, but according to sources participating in a European Teleconference with Video, the calls to IPO for MLS are getting louder. Afterall, with billionaire backers, various stadia (for both soccer and non-soccer events), and having only lost several hundred millions of dollars in 12 years of existence, MLS is doing better than many firms on Wall Street. Various large investors are looking for a place to hide their money where it will not evaporate overnight, as has been the case with Lehmann Brothers, AIG, Bear Sterns, and many others. Sources claim that although this could infuse a large amount of capital into MLS, Supremo Don Garber is skeptical. "We need to make sure that investors are in line with our expectations. We don't want a large sum of money floating around the league that could potentially lead to higher salaries for players. If we can keep investors on hold until after the collective bargaining with the Players Extortionists, we'll make sure to look poor for the arbitrator and be able to continue paying players less per game than I make in an hour. In fact, this answer has earned me more than most developmental players make."

Rapids FO Strikes Again!

16 September 2008

US Star Fan Exits...

After weeks without a win and only dismal football on the horizon for the LA Galaxy, even long time superstar fan Drew Carey seems to be abandoning the team. When questioned by sources from the LA nightclub scene, Drew apparently said "Look I was already involved in a program where everything was made up and the points don't matter. I don't need to go to the Home Depot Center to see more of the same."

In a related note, AEG refused to comment on the rumor that the LA Galaxy was going to be leaving MLS to commit to a world wide tour with the New Jersey Generals Football Club.

WPS Allocations: LA Covers All The Bases

Via the Great and Powerful Insider, the WPS allocations:
WPS Allocation List
The following players from the U.S. women's national team player pool have been allocated to the seven inaugural clubs in Women's Professional Soccer.....

Boston Breakers:
MF-F Kristine Lilly, MF-F Angela Hucles, D Heather Mitts.

Chicago Red Stars:
MF Carli Lloyd, D Kate Markgraf, MF Lindsay Tarpley.

Los Angeles:
MF Shannon Boxx, D Stephanie Cox, MF Aly Wagner.

New Jersey Sky Blue FC:
MF-F Heather O'Reilly, F Natasha Kai, D Christie Rampone.

San Jose/S.F.:
MF Leslie Osborne, D Rachel Buehler, GK Nicole Barnhart.

St. Louis:
GK Hope Solo, D-MF Lori Chalupny, D Tina Ellertson.

Washington Freedom:
F Abby Wambach, D Cat Whitehill, D Ali Krieger.

International allocations will begin next week. Additional U.S., foreign and college dispersal procedures will take place over the next several months.
Must. Not. Make. Cheap. Joke. About. LA's. Allocations. Must. Refrain...

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2009 Los Angeles Luxxxury! We've got something for everyone!

Oh well. Looks like I fail. Again...