21 August 2008

U.S. gets first-ever qualifying win at Guatemala; Bradley greeted at airport by pitchfork-wielding mob

Following the first-ever qualifying win by the U.S. at Guatemala, Bob Bradley arrived stateside this morning to an angry mob of pitchfork and torch-wielding fanatics calling for his head. MLS Rumors² held its nose and ventured into the BigSawker post-match thread so you don't have to, and we came away with some insight into what those angry villagers are thinking (remember folks, these are actual quotes from actual BigSawker posters):

"Bob Bradley needs to be punched in the face by every single USA player who put his time in..."

"Fire Bradley"

"our players, fans, and alumni deserve better than what Bradley gave us tonight"

"Bradley's system makes Donovan invisible"

"Bob Bradley needs to learn every game against any team in CONCACAF, becides for Mexico is a MUST WIN, and most of the time a very easy win if we play to our potential."

"Bob Bradley: What the hell? Do you seriously just want us to fail?"


"bradley is too mediocre a coach to be at the helm of our national program."

"Bradley needs to go, we are better than this defensive and fearful approach and if we want to improve we need to take the game to other teams and not be scared of our opponents or it will be another three and out."

"the bottom line is that bob bradley can coach us to victories against mediocre teams with sub-par tactics and talent -- but when it comes to the big stage, we are consistently underwhelming."

"Bradley has shown a wonderful inability to learn from past lessons."

"I honestly cannot believe Bradley has ever watched a soccer match above the MLS level or that we play with the tactical sophistication of an NCAA team - by design! Its embarassing."

MMMMMMMMMMM, that's good hatin' right there. Have a cheeto for me, "lads."

20 August 2008

INCOMING: Ruiz, T.O. to Toronto

Rating: None of your damn business. What? What?

In an attempt to consolidate all of MLS' bad boys on one SuperClub, TFC today announced the signing of both Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruiz and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "T.O." Owens. Owens will fill TFC's designated player slot.

T.O.: TO Bound?

"It's just a natural fit," said Toronto Manager "Trader" Mo Johnston. "We cannae set a record for red cards without brining in some new blood. Puttin' these lads together wi' Amado [Guevara], it's a guarantee someone'll go aggro at least once a match. I'm talkin' absolutely fookin' radge, man."

When asked why on earth he would be interested in setting such a record, Johnston spat, then proclaimed, "That wee git Nicol said I couldnae do it, and I've a mind tae prove him wrong."

Owens held a press conference in his driveway, where he did numerous sit-ups while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, explained that this move was all part of a plan to "expand the T.O. brand."

19 August 2008

ON THE MOVE: Monterrey Security to Columbus?

Rating: 2 (for the show)

This fist is racist.

MLS Rumors² just received the following email from a bartender at a Columbus area TGI Friday's:
The Crew are just putting the finishing touches on a deal with the Fire to swap 1,000 cases of bratwurst for Monterrey Security. It's just such a natural fit - who better to handle a horde of racist fans than a horde of racist security guards? And come on, brats and Chicago? Perfect together! The Fire tried to Jew the Crew up to 1,500 cases and a half-ton of Velveeta, but the Hunts stood strong. Wait, is it okay to say "Jew the Crew"? I mean, that's the phrase my source used, but now that I think about it, that sounds kinda, well, racist...huh...oh well. Heil Crew!
This fist is anti-racist. Look how different they are!

Monterrey Security: Coming soon to a Nordecke near you?

18 August 2008

ON THE MOVE: Blanco to Rapids for Gomez? [UPDATED]

Gomito: Heading to Chicago with his posse? (Photo by flickr user IntangibleArts, used, uh, well, without permission...sorry! and linked via creative commons license... Thanks dude!)

MLS Rumors² has learned that embittered Chicago midfielder Cuahtemoc "Our Supporters Are [Garbage]" Blanco has requested a trade to the Colorado Rapids. Our super-secret source wrote us the following:
Cuah really wants to be part of an organization that shares his philosophy regarding supporters. Colorado, with its proven track record of disdain for its own supporters groups, is just a natural fit. He knows that if he finds anyone the least bit annoying, he need merely gesture to security, and the entire section will be cleared. Quite frankly, no other team in MLS can match that level of contempt for its own fans. Red Bulls were close, but their recent move to replace NJSEA security in Section 101 is a real step backwards for them.
Meanwhile, Christian Gomez, who once famously joined DC United away supporters for a match at the Meadowlands and drummed until his hands blistered, will be a natural fit in Chicago, since, as our source put it: "He actually likes supporters. I think it has something to do with him being from Argentina, because none of us here can quite understand it."

UPDATE: Remember how we said Blanco was Beyond Parody? We lied.

17 August 2008

BREAKING: Blanco Officially "Beyond Parody"

CHICACO, 17 August, 2008: Chicago Fire midfielder Cuahtemoc Blanco offically moved "beyond parody," according to a panel of MLS Rumors Rumors staff writers. This follows the volatile player's post-game quote that his own team's supporters (who were protesting allegedly racist behavior by stadium security) are "[garbage]." Of course, he didn't really say "garbage," but the Tribune is a family newspaper, so we here at MLS Rumors Rumors don't know what actual slur Blanco used. Feel free to let us know in the comments, since, well, we're not a family blog.
Mr. White celebrates an own-goal in front of Section 8
The slander was rendered extra-super-duper ironic, as it comes on the heels of Blanco's own run-ins with police and stadium security.

"There's just nothing we can make up that even approaches what Blanco does all on his own," said one MLS Rumors Rumors writer. "I mean, seriously, this guy has a disciplinary record a mile long (*cough* domesticviolence *cough*), and he's criticizing his own team's supporters as drunks and [garbage]? Wow. We just can't top that. It's not even worth trying. Frankly, I'm rather disillusioned by this whole situation. This has to be the lowest point of my making shit up career."