07 August 2009

Marketing 101

I had just finished my lunch of General Tso's chicken and Hot & Sour soup when the bill promptly arrived along with the traditional fortune cookie. My luncheon guest suggested we play the old "in bed" game with the fortunes. I'm game for some innuendo and inappropriate behavior during digestion so I said "You first".

Her fortune came up "Love always and deeply." to which she added "in bed". The steamy glance she shot me most likely turned my face the color of the fellow who wears the bull horns at Giants Stadium while witnessing the latest pratfalls of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey.

At any rate, I took a sip of hot tea, which by then had grown quite cold and bitter. Feeling a little bit more controlled, I set upon my cookie with vigor.

Click the cookie to see what mine said...

Is there no end to this!???

06 August 2009

Red Bull Academy Side Eliminated From Skee Ball Tournament

Members of the Asbury Park Sharks warm up prior to their victory over the RBNY Youth Academy
ATLANTIC CITY, 6 August 2009: Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey's nightmare season of bad dreams continued last night, when, at the same time their senior squad was being eliminated from the CONCACAF Champions League by Trinidadian powerhouse W Connection, their Academy side was humiliated in the first round of an Atlantic City Boardwalk Skee Ball Tournament, losing to the Sharks, a co-ed U-10 side from the Asbury Park Boys & Girls Club, 1520 to 270.

"The Sharks really came at us hard in the first frame. We thought we could hold them off, but then right before halftime, we just fell apart," said Red Bulls Sporting Director Jeff Agoos, who was in Atlantic City for the match. "We feel that we have all the pieces in place for a successful skee ball team, we just have to concentrate a little harder."

The Red Bulls received bad news just two hours before the start of the match, when they learned that leading scorer John Paul Cherubim was ruled out by team doctors after suffering a mild concussion at a warm-up tournament last week, courtesy of a stray skee ball. When asked when he learned Cherubim would miss the match, Red Bull Director Of Youth Programs John Carl Soreass replied: "Well, two hours before the game. Frustrating, however that was a medical decision. It is my understanding the club's policy it is to have a player symptom free after a concussion and I'm just following the rules."

03 August 2009

BREAKING: DC To Play Globetrotters In London

Having already conquered the "other" football, the Globetrotters are ready to take on a new challenge.
LONDON, 3 August 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that AEG Entertainment will fulfill its contractual obligation with London's O2 Arena for 50 sold-out performances by arranging for the world-renowned Kings Of Basketball, the Harlem Globetrotters, to take Michael Jackson's place. Because of the cultural differences between American and English audiences, however, the Globetrotters usual patsies opponents, the Washington Generals, will be replaced by fellow Washingtonians DC United.

According to our source, the author's best friend's sister's boyfriend, who saw Kevin Payne pass out at 31 Flavors last night (though we hear it's not serious), "It's, like, total perfect synergy. This run at the O2 will really help build the DC United brand. Losing to the Globetrotters on a nightly basis for nearly two months will be, like, an essential part of United's push to succeed in both the CONCACAF Champions League and in MLS. Plus, like, the guy who replaced Curly is really hawt."

A source inside AEG confirmed the rumors, telling us: "Look, we really had our asses over a barrel on this one. I mean, we were about to get reamed, hard, with no Jesus Juice. O2's barristers were gonna pound us. Pound us but good. We had to come up with something. We would've used the Galaxy, but 19 Entertainment told us to go fuck ourselves, and Beckham will be back in Milan by then anyways (though he'll be at Inter, but don't ask about that, just know that Mourinho has eerie powers), and who would want to see them without Becks? So we called in a favor from our boy KP, and voila! Problem solved from our end!"

When asked why they didn't consider using Real Madrid for the unprecedented English residency, our source at AEG scoffed: "Those putos? Man, they charge a million a night, in Euros! Someone's gotta pay Sir Alex's blood money, and they haven't even started scraping together the cash for Alonso. There's no way AEG could afford to pay both them *and* the Globetrotters. Don't quote me on that, by the way."

Hot New Colorscheme!

In honor of MLS penchant for reanimating the corpses of former top flight teams and adding them to the roster of league participants, MLS Rumors Rumors has decided to retool its look by going to a combination of the Houston Astros / San Diego Padres late 70s, early 80s colorway.

Thanks to Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver, we will soon know the full righteousness of football.

UPDATE: Like the late 70s and early 80s, so too must this good thing come to an end. We're trending younger with a hot/hawt/haute/worse than Red Bull new colorway.

Agoos Trades Hall Of Fame Induction For Oduro

ONEONTA, NY, 3 August 2009: One day after his induction into the U.S. Soccer Hall Of Fame, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey, Presented By Red Bull Sporting Director Jeff Agoos traded his Hall of Fame rights for Houston Dynamo striker Dominic Oduro. "I really feel like this is in the best interest of the club," said Agoos. "Dominic is a proven scorer, and someone I feel can really help this club win a third game this season."
Jeff Agoos has made more laughable trades than any other GM in MLS history.

MLS Rumors² has learned that Houston intends to trade the Hall of Fame rights to Toronto FC in exchange for Steve Cronin and Dwayne De Rosario. When asked if Mo Johnston realized that the Hall of Fame slot was only valid in the United States, our source, a Houston-area barrista, said, "You know, I don't think he knows that."