Garber: Retirement is the new black.

With the breathless debate and interest raised by the news of Cuauhtemoc Blanco's retirement from international duty, Don Garber the MLS Supremo has decided that MLS will use retirement as a way to get news headlines.

First off, Kansas and Columbus will retire from obscurity. Apparently, these teams still exist and will actually market themselves as soccer events instead of just highlighting celebrity appearances and half time light saber duels. We believe that FC Dallas elected to remain retired from view in hopes of keeping all the pizza in Pizza Hut Park for themselves. Second, there is a serious debate about whether the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey will retire from their dismal record of failure. And finally, DC United fans steadfastly refused to retire from their arrogance about winning 12 major international and domestic trophies in 12 years of existence.

IT'S ON! Blogger Bitch-Slap Fest!

Oh damn! Oh damn! It's on! It's on! It's on like Donkey Kong! It's on like Red Dawn! It's on like beer pong! [EDIT: via Squidbillies, It's on like Charles Bron-son! It's on like the movie Tron! It is not, however, on like Michelle Kwan, even though, yes, she did work hard to get where she is.]

Like, ohmigawd, right, this one guy has a blog, and, like, sometimes he cuts and pastes stuff from other blogs, like, you know, schedules and stuff, and he's, like, too busy wiping Cheeto dust from his fingertips to credit his sources, right?

So then this other guy has a blog, too, right? Only no one reads it, right? So he's, like, all, "Damn, no one reads my blog! WTF? I know, I'll totally pwn that other d00d, and then people will, like, read my blog instead!" So he's all, "ZOMG! You guys! That guy is teh plagiarizt!" And since no one reads his blog, he goes on BigSoccer and starts a thread, at which point it is Officially On!

And then I'm all reading it, right? Because, like, I have nothing better to do, you know? And I'm like, "wait, ZOMG!!1!!one!! *I'VE* got a blog that no one reads! I've gotta get me some of this hawt action!" So I whipped up this post, and now I'm going to go onto that thread on BigSoccer and link to it. Yep. Gonna get me some serious attention. It's gonna be teh awesums, you guys.

EDIT: I love me some Squidbillies after a hard day of blogging...

UPDATED - Breaking: Pfizer New York?

It is hard to believe that Red Bull would be pulling out so soon, but according to a source at my local, who requested anonymity due to his/her position within/or not a Government or non-Governmental regulatory agency, Pfizer may be making a move into football (soccer for you diehard Americanish speakers). Pfizer New York would debut next season to replace Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey, sporting pale blue home jerseys and white away jerseys. Pfizer is currently in discussions with MLS brass about the sponsor name. According to sources, Pfizer is hopeful to promote their top brand of Viagra on the front of the home jersey instead of the corporate logo and other top brand of Lipitor on their away jerseys. MLS is worried about their premier sponsorships of unregulated supplement suppliers (i.e. Herbalife and Xango) being threatened by a real pharmaceutical company.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Like basically everything else on this site, this item is a parody. It's completely made up. Seriously. Also, I forgot to mention to my fellow contributors that my employer occasionally does work for the very very fine folks at Pfizer. So, yeah, this item is all in good fun. Love you guys. Love your products. I use Listerine™ every day, twice a day. Nothing beats a Luden™. I don't need Viagra™ yet, but it's good to know that it'll be there for me when the time comes. Also, you guys really shouldn't waste any money sponsoring anything to do with the New Jersey soccer franchise. Save your money for the Philly team. Or maybe Queens...but not Jersey. Leave Jersey to BMS - they deserve each other.]

UPDATE: According to source from the building trade working in my neighborhood, the deal is off. Garber is reported to have been worried that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey would be forced to carry a warning label indicating that anyone watching four hours of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey should seek immediate medical attention.

OUTGOINGish... Hudson to Tyneside

Premier League circus performers Newcastle United are mooted to be calling in Ray "Rocky" Hudson to take over for overgrown manchild Kevin Keegan. The former Patrick spokesmodel was either fired or resigned or is still manager depending on what reports you choose to believe, but all signs point to the hiring of the former DC United and Miami Fusion coach.

MLSRumors² sources inside George Mirette hair salon in Coral Gables tell us that "Rocky" was positively effusive with his praise of the talent available at Newcastle. As he was being shampooed and toweled he said "There’s a lot of talent on this team, and I’m talking Anna Nicole Smith type of talent!" An apt description to be sure, given the preferred shape of things at St. James Park.

Talk is rife of Huddo's first signing being mercurial Argentine Juan Roman Riquelme, of whom the manager is an unabashed fan. He once said of Riquelme:

Matador. Look at him, so languid, look at him walking. He's like a big, beautiful zombie, Riquelme, like a big, beautiful zombie. He just strolls around languid like, like smoke off a cigarette, you know. And then he jump out and just draw your blood.

Federal Government to take over FC Dallas: "Not a bailout" says official

From MLS Rumors² contributor BigKris comes this late-breaking report:

WASHINGTON, DC, 8 September, 2008:
Calling one of MLS's flagship franchises "Dangerously short of talent" the Office of Federal Sports Enterprise Oversight (OFSEO) Announced Sunday that it is putting FC Dallas under federal receivership, essentially a government takeover of the team.

In a conference call late Sunday afternoon, timed to precede the opening of Asian betting markets, Michael Brown, head of OFSEO, defended the action as a necessary step, "to reassure those who are emotionally invested in this team, as well as to prevent the contagion of suckitude from spreading further and threatening other, more stable teams". FC Dallas' Head coach, allegedly named "Schellas Hyndman," will be fired as a part of the federal takeover. Brown was also quick to deflect potential criticism that this amounted to a government bailout of the failing franchise: "This is in no way is this a bailout. Those who are complicit in creating this mess will be held accountable. Davino, I'm looking at you."

Concerns about whether Dallas had sufficient talent to see the season through had been rampant for months as the team traded or sold its most creative players in the summer transfer window. Confidence reached new lows on Thursday on reports that Dallas had lost a match at home to Colorado -- an allegation made even more incredible by the assertion, according to the report, that Mike "Wanker" Petke scored the game-winning goal. As this story goes to press, MLSRumors² has not yet been able to find anyone who actually saw this game in order to corroborate these reports.

This may not be the end of government intervention in the league; OFSEO officials confirmed that they have been in contact with their sister agency in Canada, the Sport Oversight Ministry, about a potential nationalization of Toronto FC. "They're still weighing their options," said an OFSEO source. "They may be able to muddle through until hockey season starts, at which point no one will care about TFC anymore."