Breaking: DC United Identifies Midfielder

Scout/Director of Something/Former Assistant Coach Chad Ashton's trip to Argentina has gotten results. We at MLS Rumors Rumors utilizing our contacts in secret government agencies that you know nothing about and are probably unsavory, have uncovered the recent e-mail that Mr. Ashton sent back to the club. We print it in full below to keep you, the fan, informed. We print it because we can and we care about integrity and nothing says ethics like printing a hacked confidential e-mail.

So, without furth Adu ado:

Dave,

I think I've found our solution to our attacking midfield problem. We've got this Argentinian guy here that has some great moves and some awesome tape. He's got some MLS experience with a couple of teams, so he knows our league. Not only that but he has been voted MLS Best XI and won an MLS MVP award. The guy is quality and even helped his first team win an MLS Cup after joining mid-season. I think this guy would really be the boost we need to reach a mid-table level in the league. He's current keeping active but I think we could prize him away from his current club with the use of some allocation money. Perhaps we can trade for an allocation or DP slot, so that we can pick him up.

All the best,

Chad

RUMOR: EA to include "MLS Ref" setting in FIFA 2011

REDWOOD CITY, CA May 1 2010:

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned of the latest innovation from EA Sports. According to an EA game tester who we got wasted on Jager bombs last night, the pioneering gaming company will add an "MLS Ref" setting to its FIFA gaming franchise's 2011 edition.

"'S'like, gonna be gnarly, brah! No matter what league yer playin' in, you click 'MLS Ref', and every match, you get a randomly assigned MLS ref. Totally fucks you up, man! Imagine, your, like, playin' Arsenal, and your takin' on fuckin' Spurs, right? And all of a sudden, there's Terry Vaughn calling back a goal for offsides...only it was on a fucking throw-in! Or you have Barcelona versus Manchester United in the Champion's League final and Barca have a two goal lead - then Abbey Okulaja awards Manchester United two penalty kicks out of nowhere! It will just make it all more exciting."

Worrisome: Kolumbus Krew Kickers Plan Raid

The Kolumbus Krew Kickers Supporters Fanboy Group have had little to do recently. Without rival team’s fans coming to Crew Stadium to create problems, the Kickers have been without an outlet for their violent posturing activities. Our inside man has found out that the Kickers are planning on an all-night vigil and taunting at a local retirement community to maintain their “hard core” attitudes and to prove they are “hard”.

The vigil is scheduled for May 2nd from 5pm to 9pm and will take place in the parking lot of the Active Oaks Retirement Community. According to our source, the all-night vigil is ending at 9pm because the Kickers need to get home in time to watch a Lifetime special.

Breaking: DC United Front Office Struck with Injury Bug

According to the screaming heard in and around RFK Stadium, the injury bug has moved beyond the team and is now afflicting the front office of troubled DC United. In a freak stapler incident, both Curt Onalfo and Stephen Zack were injured. The injuries are apparently minor but will keep both men from using a stapler for four to six weeks. Goalkeeping coach Mark Simpson stubbed his toe and is reported to be unable to stand without wincing and is expected to be out for as many as three weeks. Additionally, we have it on the low down that at least three interns have voice issues from apologizing to irate callers and will be given light administrative duties until they recover within the next week.

Rumor: Colorado to Boost Attendance with Stick Promotion

Colorado stadium with their typical crowd.

We have heard about it from a source that has been to Commerce City, the Colorado Rapids are going to have a unique promotion to boost their sagging attendance numbers. Colorado is considering offering a bible stick to the first 7,000 fans entering the stadium. The stick would consist of a several bible verses carved into a natural wood rod that can be used internally to maintain the proper respect and adherence to strict principles of conduct and discipline. These bible sticks are quite popular in Colorado and the Rapids’ Front Office is hopeful that the promotion will bring in the right sort of fans that can help get rid of the pesky “hard core supporters” that insist on making noise during the match.

Breaking: Philadelphia Union not Together on Cheesesteak Issue

Apparently, all is not well in the locker room of the expansion team. Although their on-field situation is expected for an expansion team trying to get their feet, the team has been divided off-the-field over an issue critical to Philadelphia. They are divided over the issue of cheesesteaks. Half the team favors Pat’s and the other Geno’s.

Although our source, who knows bartenders in Philadelphia, did not have names, it was clear that the rift is deep and bitter. There have been heated arguments in the locker room and on the training ground. One wonders if the team will self-destruct and break apart over this crisis. Additionally, there appears to be a second rift between the choice of cheese, but our source did not know more about these splinter groups.

Rumor: Dallas Entertaining Idea of Boosting Attendance

We have it on scant authority that FC Dallas have decided to seek to improve their attendance with a radical new approach: Pee Wee Football. The team is looking to host regular Pee Wee Football events as double headers with FC Dallas matches. According to Texas law, Pee Wee Football is mandated to be more popular than soccer and the Dallas Front Office is looking to capitalize on the regulations.

“We know that we cannot compete in our market. We have to be realistic. Most Pee Wee football games get double the attendance we have. If we can tap into that market, we’ll really improve our numbers and hopefully sell a couple pizzas in the process.”

Breaking: Bob Bradley Wooed for World Cup Spots

Bob Bradley’s house is starting to look like a mad florists shop. Chocolate hearts and flower bouquets are showing up every day from players, agents, and coaches all wanting to curry favor with the National Team coach on the eve of the team announcement for the World Cup. According to our inside source, who knows someone that met someone who heard from someone that saw Bradley’s favorite contractor at 31 Flavors, all this affection has Bob Bradley in an unusually chipper mood.

“Who doesn’t like getting chocolate hearts and flower? I feel like the Prom Queen and Homecoming Queen for every high school across the country. But some of the guys are really overdoing it. I’ve got a young former prodigy’s mom sending me a bouquet of flowers every day. That is nothing compared to the daily gift baskets of fruits and nuts that I’m getting from some guy based in England that is apologizing for deleting my phone number out of his cell – I forget his name.”