Rumor: Dallas Entertaining Idea of Boosting Attendance

We have it on scant authority that FC Dallas have decided to seek to improve their attendance with a radical new approach: Pee Wee Football. The team is looking to host regular Pee Wee Football events as double headers with FC Dallas matches. According to Texas law, Pee Wee Football is mandated to be more popular than soccer and the Dallas Front Office is looking to capitalize on the regulations.

“We know that we cannot compete in our market. We have to be realistic. Most Pee Wee football games get double the attendance we have. If we can tap into that market, we’ll really improve our numbers and hopefully sell a couple pizzas in the process.”

BREAKING: Sounders To Hoist "Attendance Champions" Banner

SEATTLE, 11 August, 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Seattle plans to open their 2010 home schedule with a pre-match banner-raising ceremony, honoring the team's first title: 2009 MLS Attendance Champions.

According to our source, a local bike messenger who occasionally smokes up with Seattle FO personnel:

They got the idea from the [WNBA's Washington] Mystics. I mean, everyone from Drew on down to the fans in the stands is really pumped up about how we've pwnd the league at the turnstiles. It really is the truest measure of a team's success. Like, look at the Cubs! No one gives a shit that they haven't won a world series in over a hundred years, they still pwn bitches like the Marlins and D-Backs, because they sell more tickets.

While the Attendance Champions banner is "a done deal," still up for grabs is the coveted "Merchandise Championship." The Sounders currently hold an edge over TFC and the LA Galaxy, and if they maintain it through the end of the season, our source tells us that:

They're gonna go all out for that one, man...we're talking the biggest banner you've ever seen...I mean, I hate to keep coming back to it, but look at the Cubs, or the Indians. Who cares about rings, man? These guys sell so much more merch than the Phillies or the Marlins, it PROVES that they're better. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Dollar bill, y'all.

Tree Falls In Forest, Out-Draws Revs-Fire

QUIMBY, Maine: Local authorities announced this morning that, on the evening of October 30, 2008, a tree fell in the forest approximately 2.2 miles to the north and east of this remote hamlet. Local alderman Jaques Courvoisier told MLS Rumors²: "It was a big sucker. Yawp, made quite a racket comin' down. I reckon at least 5,500 people musta heard it - it's prime huntin' season, and I bet the sound carried clear over to Presque Isle."

Phineas Parkhurst "Diamond Phin" Quimby, whose lifeless corpse helped boost the falling tree's attendance.

Last night's Revolution-Fire playoff match was "attended" by "5,221" "people" at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, meaning that the Revolution were out-drawn by a tree falling in a remote forest in northern Maine.