12 June 2015

Source: Klinsmann to Call Up Retired Reyna: "He's Just Straight Trolling Landon"

CHICAGO, June 12, 2015 -

A source inside U.S. Soccer confirmed that United States Men's National Team manager Jurgen Klinsmann is "seriously considering" calling up retired midfielder Claudio Reyna for the upcoming CONCACAF Gold Cup tournament.  Reyna will join midfielder/defender Damarcus Beasley, also called up by Klinsmann despite having retired from National Team duty following last year's FIFA World Cup.


Donovan In Happier Times

"He's just straight trolling [retired forward/midfielder/water fountain model] Landon [Donovan] at this point," said the source, who asked for anonymity because "Everyone at, like, the C.I.A. and in Congress get anonymity, so, like, why can't Carl Anderson?  It's not like Carl Anderson isn't an important person!  Carl Anderson has friends in the business!  Carl Anderson is, like, the friggin' Rickey Henderson of the U.S. Soccer Logistics department!"

The anonymous source continued:  "I mean, we all thought there was no way Jurgen could top what he did to Landon last year," when Klinsmann famously cut Donovan from the final World Cup roster, "but he's really sticking the knife in now.  It's amazing.  No one really knows why Klinsy hates him so much, but he really does.  We heard a rumor one time that Landon crushed him in a game of FIFA, playing as Arsenal, and that Landon was, like, just talking shit the whole time, just, like, 30 minutes of 'What do we think of Tottenham?' and shit like that.  But that's just a rumor man, so, like, don't put that into your article."

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