09 August 2008

REPORT: Caribbean Nations to form "Windies" FIFA squad

Rating : 3 (too much Vat 19 rum in our system)

MLSRumors² doesn't often delve into the sordid underbelly of the footballing world, namely internationals. However, on this occasion, the editors feel it our duty to our faithful readers to report on an item picked up on a recent skin-diving expedition to the lovely islands of Turks & Caicos.

The word in the incredibly well-stocked kitchen at the swank private island resort of Parrot Cay is that leaders of the football associations of the assorted Carribean nations not named Trinidad & Tobago or Jamaica have been meeting in secret in an audacious bid to form a united "Windies" (West + Indies = Windies) squad in the fashion of their cricketing cousins.

Of course, rogue elements at the command of such footballing "dignitaries" such as Austin "Diamond" Jack Warner and his emperor, the all-powerful Lord Septic Bladder of Geneva, will be aware of such dissent brewing in the smaller island nations will move swiftly to brutally put down any hint of rebellion. Reached at his top-secret lair in Port of Spain, "Diamond" Jack Warner had only this to say:

"These pissant countries had betta watch out, you hear? I will display the awesome force of my OG travel agency thugs and send them down to Davy Jones locker. You want something within FIFA, you better check with me first bitchez. There is no way I will allow my personal pocket-lining operation to be threatened by a bunch of dope-smoking hash-slingers working at the pleasure of the tourists of America, Europe, and the filthy swine of England. Hey, asshole, before you go, who put you up to this? That Andrew Jennings fucker? I swear to Christ, the whole Dominica thing will look like a game of tetherball when I finish with this"
...You better check with me first bitchez

Presumably, Warner was referring to the comical stranglehold he possesses on FIFA proceedings, given the 35 votes he controls in the CONCACAF region. Should the smaller islands unite under one flag, presumably the votes would reduce. Naturally, Diamond Jack would not like that development, and neither would his colleagues at the fat cat's table. Men of no principals, like Chuck "Plaid" Blazer, and other miserable humans.

When asked about the mooted gambit by the smaller islands, MLS benchwarmer and Bermuda superstar Khano Smith gushed "I'm intrigued by this idea. Just think, me and my mate Shalrie (not a girl's name) Joseph could be teamed up with the magnificent Andrew Williams and the ageless Dwight Yorke!" Ignoring rustling in the nearby bushes, Smith continued to ejaculate: "I mean, come on! We will finally be able to put up a strong fight against Mexico and the US, and forget about those punks in Costa Rica for sure. Hey, I'm going to call my ag...rr.g.rgghhhhh"

It was at this moment that the conversation between our informant and Smith was cut short by what appeared to be a poison-tipped dart to the carotid artery. Smith was rushed by Revolution training staff members to the clubhouse. We anxiously await news of his condition.

As new information is available, we will inform you, dear readers, of the developments. Unfortunately, many of our sources in the Caribbean have gone missing. Now, what's this wire doing sticking our of our gas tank?

08 August 2008

Breaking News: Salary Cap 2009

MLS Rumors Rumors' intrepid staff have worked sources from coffee shops, bars, restaurants, donut shoppes, and even an ill-advised Swedish Massage parlour (let's just say, it was as close to Gitmo as most of us would like to be). At long last, we have sourced the rumors about a change in the salary cap for the 2009 season. Garber and company have seen the attendance, merchandise, and ratings push gained from the David Beckham signing and have decided to offer teams a new option for some splash in the league.
MLS' object of obsession

According to a down on her luck Barrista from the soon to be closed coffee shop near MLS HQ, teams will be allowed to have up to four designated players accounting for up to $20 million in salary! Yes, $20 million! However, to keep parity (i.e. the Kraft amendment), teams that elect this option will have a maximum salary cap of $100,000 for the rest of the squad. Garber apparently told a bartender at a local hangout, "Look we needed some flash. After Beckham, none of the foreign signings have made any media hype. Who knows Angel or Gallardo or that guy from Toronto or that Hucksteraby dude? We need Ronaldo, hopefully all three of them on one team! We need Zidane and that Mazerati guy! MLS will go under if we don't get some more flashy players that everyone knows." Our sources believe that only two teams are currently interested in this option of four designated players, LA Galaxy and Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey. A bouncer at a well known music club in Los Angeles reported that a certain red haired patron stated, "we care about the American dudes too. I mean, this deal is all about their development. We can get Becks, Ronaldo, Ronaldihno, and Chris Ronaldo to help out with our developmental guys. You know, guys like Doug Merritt and that bearded guy and that cool music type guy with the goatee, and some of our other youngsters will get first team time with those great players. What could be better for a super club like ours?" When asked about the need for four designated players, Ruud Gullit said, "wait, wouldn't we be giving up one of our players if we only had four?"

Galaxy Foursome Makes Pilgrimage to Emerald City

EMERALD CITY, OZ, Aug. 8, 2008: Seeking to pull their team out of the tailspin that threatens to leave their 2008 season in a smoking crater, four members of the Los Angeles Galaxy organization traveled to the Emerald City in search of assistance from legendary recluse, the Great and Powerful Anschutz.

The group consisted of Galaxy General Manager Alexi Lalas, Manager Ruud Gullit, forward Landon Donovan, and midfielder David Beckham. MLS Rumors² has learned that each group member is seeking specific assistance from Anschutz. Our source on the inside, known to us only as "Toto," sent us the following:
"They were singing the whole way there...it started with Lalas:"
I could while away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my guitar, I'd be pluckin'
And my trades they'd stop a suckin'
If I only had a brain.
"Then Ruud chimed in:"
When a man's an empty vessel
He can't with troubles wrestle
And so I'm torn apart
But I'm sure I'd give some tosses
About the wins and losses
If I only had a heart.
"And then Landon had to have his say:"
Yeah, it's sad, believe me missy,
When you're born to be a sissy,
With the skill but not the verve.
But I could show some stones-a,
And go back to old Europa,
If I only had the nerve
Beckham just kinda looked at them, all sad like, and then he sang, too...and a beautiful song it was:
Somewhere over the ocean
Way up north
Lies Engerland where I came from
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the ocean
Refs don't eat paste
And the crosses you whip in
Really don't go to waste

Some day I'll sign a new contract
And wake up where the fog and rain surround me
Where rich men munch on prawns and lasses
Away above the unwashed masses
That's where you'll find me
"I don't think it went too well for them, though," concluded Toto, "because when they came out of their meeting with the Great and Powerful Anschutz, Lalas looked at me and said, 'Cobi, what do you think about moving to Kansas...City, that is?'"

07 August 2008

MOVING: Buffalo Bills to BMO Field

Rating: 1.0527 (current exchange rate)
MLS Rumors² has learned that the Buffalo Bills are considering a move to Toronto's BMO Field - a development that would certainly put more strain on relations between BMO Field and its current tenant, Toronto FC.

A source close to the negotiations, who requested anonymity, sent us the following:
The move makes sense for the Bills. Buffalo has some decent food, but that's about it. Just about the only businesses left are the ones in the mall, and 90% of their customers are Canadians. Plus, the Looney is so strong right now, we only need to add 10,000 seats to make more money than we can in Buffalo.

Of course, they'll have to change the team name. Right now, they're planning to change it to "Toronto Bills FC"...of course, this means that TFC will have to change their name to "Toronto Soccer Club," to avoid confusion, you understand, but the lawyers already have that particular detail worked out.

Plus, they absolutely love the rock-hard turf. It's even harder than the green concrete they play on at Orchard Park. Rest assured, the Bills organization will do whatever it takes to ensure that the turf stays as hard as possible. They're even planning to bring in their groundskeeper from Rich Stadium, William "Concrete Willie" MacMoran to make sure the turf is, as Willie likes to say, "as hard and cold as a Scotsman's Skean dhu."

Bills Head Groundskeeper "Concrete Willie" MacMoran

Among the many improvements the Bills plan to add to BMO Field:

* a bigger jumbotron and louder P.A. system
* tighter, more "family-friendly" security
* U.S. anthem to be played before every event at BMO
* First choice of all dates for use of stadium
* 4 TFC games per season to be played at Ralph Wilson stadium in Orchard Park, New York, to allow the Bills to host events such as the X Games
* South End stands to be replaced with "Fan Zone" - "The fan-friendliest fan zone in the history of fan zones!" according to our source.
* All Carlsberg and other beer to be replaced with Coors Light, "SAB Molson Coors' finest product, really, and a symbol of the greatness that can be achieved when Canadian and American corporations work together as a team."

When asked to comment on what effects such a move would have on the CFL Argonauts, our source replied, "I'm sorry, who?"

U.S. Win Over Japan "Not Good Enough" For One U.S. Supporter

After waking up at 4:45 to watch the U.S. narrowly defeat Japan, 1-0, in a first-round Olympic match, self-described "die-hard Yank" Tim "Timothy" McSwiggan was furious at a performance he described as, "just not good enough."
It's pathetic, you know? Nowak pulled the same crap with DC back in 2004 - all defense, no flair...wtf, man! I pay, like, almost $80 a month for DirecTV, I spring for a 50-inch 1080p plasma, and this is the crap those lazy little beotches serve up? Jeebus H., man, a U-12 AYSO team could've done better.

I'm giving them one more chance, but if they don't show some fucking flair against the Netherlands, I...I don't know, man, I don't even fuckin' know!
When this blogger pointed out to Mr. McSwiggan that, in fact, the U.S. won, and currently leads their group, McSwiggan replied, "Jesus Christ, man, you just don't understand football." He then paused for a moment, and added, "By the way, if you're reading this, Donovan, I'm still waiting for my fucking refund for Germany."

06 August 2008

BigSoccer Posters Defend Bizarre Split Allegiances

Janus: Official God of BigSoccer?

Recently, MLS Rumors² contacted several BigSoccer posters with seemingly conflicting team loyalties to try to unlock the key to this rather widespread phenomenon.

We started with MadridandBarcaLover:
MLS Rumors²: So, what gives? Looks like you support two blood rivals...the team of Franco and the symbol of Catalunyan independence...so, uh, how's that work, exactly?

what are you, teh ghey? They're, like, both in Spain. When I was 15, I went to Spain on vacay, and, like, totally visited Barcelona and Madrid. I, like, got totally hammered all over that country, but, like, it was the best in Barcelona and Madrid...so, like, yeah.

MLS Rumors²: Uh...okay.

Then it was on to Revs4Evah, who lists as her favorite clubs DC United, PhillyMLS, and Seattle.

MLS Rumors²: Okay, you're screen name is "Revs4Evah," yet the Revs don't even show up as one of your favorite teams. What's up with that?

Revs4Evah: My cousin had a tryout with the Revs once, and he, like, almost made the team, so I was all, yay!!!1!1!!! Revs4Evah! But then, like, I moved from Philly to Seattle, and, like, DC United had Bobby Boswell, so, like, yay!

MLS Rumors²: um...'kay...

Next up, YankiDood, who lists Fulham, Reading, Watford, Derby, Aston Villa and Everton.

MLS Rumors²: Let me start by saying, "I get it," alright...but seriously, "dood," how are you any better than those fanboys who only show up to MLS games when someone from their home country is playing, and then only to cheer for whatever team that player happens to be playing for at the time?

You mean people actually *watch* MLS? Whatever...anyway, I've gotta run, there's a Coca Cola Championship preview on Gol TV in, like, two minutes.

Last up was RangerBhoy14:

MLS Rumors²: Wow, so...I mean...wow...never mind.

Brett Favre to Chicago Fire, Brian McBride to Green Bay Packers

Rating: 9 (number of Favre Pro Bowls)

Unable to come to an agreement with Favre, the NFL's Green Bay Packers are in talks with MLS Chicago Fire to trade Favre to the Fire for Brian McBride and future allocations.

In spite of the fact that he has no experience with the sport, Favre's superior athleticism is perfect for soccer and could be just the solution the Fire have been looking for to finally win another MLS Cup.

McBride will be the Packer's new extra point specialist, who will actually head rather than kick the ball between the goal posts.

SuperHeist: a Ringer for the Ringer

Good times at Applebee's! It's a Whole New Neighborhood!

Well well well...as SuperLiga '08 wrapped up last night, MLS Rumors² finally got to the bottom of the stolen bounty. Early yesterday evening, we had the following IM chat with The Dude:
The Dude: I mean we totally fucked it up man, we fucked up this payoff, we got the kidnappers all mad at us, and Vergara, ya know, he yelled at me a lot but he didn't do anything, huh?
MLS Rumors²: Well, sometimes, it's a cathartic...
The Dude: No, I'm saying, if he knows I'm a fuck-up, why does he leave me in charge of getting his wife back? Because he doesn't fucking want her back! He no longer digs her, it's all a show! Ok, so then why doesn't he give a shit about his million bucks? I mean, he knows we never handed off the briefcase, but he never asked for it back. The million bucks was never in the briefcase! The asshole was hoping that they would kill her! We threw out a ringer for a ringer!

Later in the evening, The Dude wore a digital recorder while confronting the Big Vergara. Here's a partial transcript:
The Dude: You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.'
The Big Vergara: Well, aren't you?
The Dude: Well... yeah.

So there you have it: it turns out that the million dollars was never really there. Not to fear, though! We've heard from an inside source that, because last night's final ran through extra time and 8 rounds of penalty kicks, Revs players will be entitled to an additional bonus! In an upcoming press release, The Don has the following to say: "The players are getting a pretty darn good payday for five games, and we wanted to pro-rate that because of the extraordinary length of last night's final. Therefore, as a token of our appreciation for their hard work in earning league owners $850,000 that otherwise would have gone to Mexican players, we're providing an added bonus to the SuperLiga Champion New England Revolution of a $1,500 coupon to Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 990 Providence Highway in Walpole, Mass. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! The team is free to divide this up any way they choose, so if they want to give Jay Heaps less, that's fine with the league."

05 August 2008

Michael Bolton Hacks MLS GOTW, Screws Up Mundane Detail [UPDATED]

He's well known for the time he put a decimal point in the wrong place, thereby screwing up a "round the fractions of a cent off" scheme, and nearly landing himself in Federal Pound-Me-In-The-Ass Prison. Today, Initrode software engineer Michael Bolton is up to his old tricks - he's hacked the MLS Sierra Mist Goal of the Week™ poll, but a misplaced decimal point has resulted in a 100% tally for San Jose Earthquakes midfielder Arturo Alvarez.

Particularly embarrassing for Bolton is the fact that the Houston resident was actually attempting to fix the poll in favor of the Dynamo's Brad Davis.

Bolton's handiwork, poorly captured by someone who is most definitely *not* a software engineer. cribbed from PedroUnited on BigSoccer - thanks for the improved image, my man!

UPDATE: Looks like MLS Rumors²'s hard-hitting journalism has forced the fat cats in the league office into action, and the poll is back to its status quo: being gently rigged by the far more nuanced scripts of DC United supporters.

SuperHeist: New Shit Has Come to Light!

This just in from The Dude, our man on the inside of the recent theft by Nihilists of $1 million in SuperLiga prize money:
I've got information man! New shit has come to light! And shit... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?
That had not occurred to us, Dude.

DEVELOPING: Nihilists Abscond With SuperLiga Prize Money!

MLS Rumors² has received word from an inside source that Nihilists have made off with the $1 million in SuperLiga prize money. In an interview, our source, known only as "The Dude," told us that Bunny Vergara, the trophy wife of one of MLS' millionaire owners, was kidnapped by a gang of Nihilists, and that said owner used the SuperLiga prize money to pay the ransom. Apparently, Mrs. Vergara has not yet been returned. Our source explained that, "This is a very complicated case, man. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder's head."

The Suspects

MLS Rumors² also contacted the Malibu Sheriff's Department, whom we were told is handling the case. The Sheriff initially refused to comment, but when pressed, told us:
Mr. Vergara draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, MLS Rumors Rumors. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Rumor-Boy. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

To which this blogger replied, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

This is a developing story. Check back with MLS Rumors² for updates!

Montgomery League Soccer Announces $1M SuperDuperLiga!

Following in the successful footsteps of the $1 million SuperLiga, Montgomery League Soccer (MLS) has announced the launch of its very own "SuperDuperLiga," featuring Montgomery County's top four U-12 sides and four of the leading Mexican U-12 teams. A purse of $1 million has also been announced. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained an advance copy of the MLS press release, reprinted in its entirety below:
BETHESDA - Montgomery League Soccer Commissioner Dan Graber together with the Commissioner of the Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Juvenil Division (Mexican Soccer Federation's First U-12 Division), Jesus de Maria, today announced the creation of SuperDuperLiga™, the preeminent youth club tournament in Montgomery County that will not only decide the best in, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, but will also award the heftiest winner's purse in North American youth soccer history.

Eight clubs - four each from the top flight leagues of Montgomery County and Mexico - will vie to determine a singular champion of, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, actually. The format, modeled after the SuperLiga, will include a group phase and a knockout phase with all games held at the Maryland SoccerPlex in Germantown, MD. SuperDuperLiga will be played between August 24 and September 29, 2008. In addition to the prestige of capturing this continental honor, the club that emerges as SuperDuperLiga champion will take home $1 million dollars in prize money, an unprecedented prize purse in North American soccer history.

"We are proud to announce the creation of SuperDuperLiga, which will quickly become one of the most prestigious international youth club soccer tournaments held in the United States," Graber said. "This tournament presents the most authentic competition between, well, Montgomery County and Mexico, and will bring out the passion and pride of fans in our hemisphere."

While competitive criteria will determine participants in future editions of SuperDuperLiga, the eight teams in the inaugural 2008 edition of SuperLiga were selected on an invitation-only basis: reigning Mexican U-12 champions Club America Juniors, Copa Sudamericana Juvenil holders CF Pachuca U-12, DF U-12 champion Monarcas Juniors and Chivacitas Guadalajara from Mexico; four-time Montgomery County champion Chevy Chase United, Western County champion FC Poolesville, two-time County Champions, Potomac Galaxy and the 2006 County champions, Germantown Dynamo will represent Montgomery County.

"Given the great soccer rivalry between the MoCo and Mexico, we strongly believe SuperDuperLiga will be a great international soccer tournament," said De Maria. "Featuring the top teams in both leagues, SuperLiga will become an instant favorite among the millions of soccer fans in Mexico and the several thousand in Montgomery County."

In a separate statement to MLS Rumors Rumors, however, Graber did note that, "Of course, if one of our MLS teams actually wins the SuperDuperLiga, they'll only receive $1,500 worth of coupons to the Applebee's Neighborhood Grill at 21048 Frederick Rd in Germantown. Applebee's: It's a Whole New Neighborhood! You see, MLS is at financial risk in this tournament. We have to incur the costs of renting out the SoccerPlex. We are producing [for local access TV] some of these games. We have to fly teams in from Mexico. We are at risk. Part of the equation when you are taking in risk is to manage with your expenses and the winning team receiving the lion's share of the prize money is not something much different than in the actual SuperLiga."

04 August 2008


Ruud: Too Sexy For L.A.?

Rating: 3 (one point for each club Alexi Lalas has trashed)

Sometime in the middle of an Old Overholt and Yuengling-fueled bender this weekend, MLS Rumors² learned from a highly-placed bartender that Red Bull New York Red Bulls brought to you by Red Bull ("Red Bull Park: Coming in 2012!*") are considering replacing manager Juan Carlos Osorio with soon-to-be-unemployed Galaxy manager Ruud Gullit. Earlier this afternoon, our source came through, forwarding the following email from his best friend's sister's boyfriend, who served Jeff Agoos ice cream at 31 Flavors last night (apparently, it's pretty serious):
Goose told me that Gullit is exactly the kind of high-profile international failure that Red Bull tradition demands. Firmani, Queiroz, Parreira, Mondelo, Milutinovic, Zambrano, Johnston...that's some legacy. JCO has really lived up to that legacy, but his 9-month contract is about up, and it's time for Red Bull to find a manager to lead them through next year's all-star break. It's all about leveraging that legacy of high-profile failure into value for the Red Bull brand. Remember, Phase 1: high profile failures at manager and on the field (Lothar, Reyna, etc.); Phase 2: ???; Phase 3: PROFIT!

Looks like it's going to be a real race to the finish between MLS Super Clubs Red Bulls and the Galaxy as the season winds down!

UPDATE: a closely-placed source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has informed MLS Rumors² that Red Bulls will only agree to a deal if they are required to provide compensation to the Chicago Fire, presumably in the form of draft picks and/or cash. "It's the Red Bull way," he said.

* Offer not valid in Harrison, New Jersey.

LALAS: Galaxy "Not Sexy Enough," Move for Tyson Beckford Imminent

Beckford: LA Bound?

Rating: 5 ("teh sexiest")

Following a humiliating 3-2 loss to expansion San Jose, LA Galaxy boss Alexi Lalas fumed that the Galaxy were not playing "sexy enough," and hinted at a move for supermodel Tyson Beckford: "It's just not sexy enough. We've GOT to bring sexy back. We've got a lot of possible moves to make. Right now, it looks like Justin [Timberlake] isn't available, but we've gotten a lot of interest from Tyson [Beckford]. It's just a matter of time before we're playing the sexiest football in the entire world."

MLS Rumors Rumors consulted noted expert on all things sexy, supermodel Derek Zoolander, who commented that, "Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. That's why DC United plays the sexiest football in the league right now. LA needs to play more games during monsoons." When pressed for more, Zoolander continued: "Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" When this blogger replied that, no, he hadn't, Zoolander snapped:
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?