Leiweke: "We have to keep up with the RSLs of the league"

AEG President and CEO Tim Leiweke today issued statements regarding the recent dismissal, Trump-style, of GM Alexi Lalas and the more Rumsfeldian departure of head coach ("manager" in Euro-speak) Ruud Gullit. Regarding Gullit, Leiweke stated:

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time you we threw you right out
Gotta throw the blame around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more fooling around
Time to play sexy football
Better sign a defender
Else I'll wind up fired too

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time we threw you right out
Enough blame to go around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

Regarding the firing of Lalas, Leiweke was less lyrical, but no less direct:

With [Ruud] moving on, we believe that this is the right time to make more sweeping changes throughout the organization. Our commitment continues to be focused on not only finishing higher in the standings than Chivas and San Jose this and every season but to build a club capable of competing at the level of the league's elite teams, like Real Salt Lake - we have to keep up with the RSLs of the league. This decision [to relieve Alexi of his duties] is the right one for the organization, the right one for the players and the right one for our fans.

An MLS Rumors² reader spotted Lalas attempting to sell his collection of designer suits at a Los Angeles consignment shop, and overheard the Daywalker saying "I played in Serie A, you know. For reals, I did. Did you know I played guitar on an ESPN commercial once? It's all on my resume, so I'm sure I'll land another front office gig soon. Right? Right? Right?" Said our source, "I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was talking into a half-eaten Snickers bar, not a cell phone."

Galaxy Foursome Makes Pilgrimage to Emerald City

EMERALD CITY, OZ, Aug. 8, 2008: Seeking to pull their team out of the tailspin that threatens to leave their 2008 season in a smoking crater, four members of the Los Angeles Galaxy organization traveled to the Emerald City in search of assistance from legendary recluse, the Great and Powerful Anschutz.

The group consisted of Galaxy General Manager Alexi Lalas, Manager Ruud Gullit, forward Landon Donovan, and midfielder David Beckham. MLS Rumors² has learned that each group member is seeking specific assistance from Anschutz. Our source on the inside, known to us only as "Toto," sent us the following:
"They were singing the whole way there...it started with Lalas:"

I could while away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my guitar, I'd be pluckin'
And my trades they'd stop a suckin'
If I only had a brain.

"Then Ruud chimed in:"

When a man's an empty vessel
He can't with troubles wrestle
And so I'm torn apart
But I'm sure I'd give some tosses
About the wins and losses
If I only had a heart.

"And then Landon had to have his say:"

Yeah, it's sad, believe me missy,
When you're born to be a sissy,
With the skill but not the verve.
But I could show some stones-a,
And go back to old Europa,
If I only had the nerve

Beckham just kinda looked at them, all sad like, and then he sang, too...and a beautiful song it was:

Somewhere over the ocean
Way up north
Lies Engerland where I came from
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the ocean
Refs don't eat paste
And the crosses you whip in
Really don't go to waste

Some day I'll sign a new contract
And wake up where the fog and rain surround me
Where rich men munch on prawns and lasses
Away above the unwashed masses
That's where you'll find me

"I don't think it went too well for them, though," concluded Toto, "because when they came out of their meeting with the Great and Powerful Anschutz, Lalas looked at me and said, 'Cobi, what do you think about moving to Kansas...City, that is?'"

OUTGOING/INCOMING: Ruud to RedBulls? [UPDATED]

Ruud: Too Sexy For L.A.?

Rating: 3 (one point for each club Alexi Lalas has trashed)

Sometime in the middle of an Old Overholt and Yuengling-fueled bender this weekend, MLS Rumors² learned from a highly-placed bartender that Red Bull New York Red Bulls brought to you by Red Bull ("Red Bull Park: Coming in 2012!*") are considering replacing manager Juan Carlos Osorio with soon-to-be-unemployed Galaxy manager Ruud Gullit. Earlier this afternoon, our source came through, forwarding the following email from his best friend's sister's boyfriend, who served Jeff Agoos ice cream at 31 Flavors last night (apparently, it's pretty serious):

Goose told me that Gullit is exactly the kind of high-profile international failure that Red Bull tradition demands. Firmani, Queiroz, Parreira, Mondelo, Milutinovic, Zambrano, Johnston...that's some legacy. JCO has really lived up to that legacy, but his 9-month contract is about up, and it's time for Red Bull to find a manager to lead them through next year's all-star break. It's all about leveraging that legacy of high-profile failure into value for the Red Bull brand. Remember, Phase 1: high profile failures at manager and on the field (Lothar, Reyna, etc.); Phase 2: ???; Phase 3: PROFIT!

Looks like it's going to be a real race to the finish between MLS Super Clubs Red Bulls and the Galaxy as the season winds down!

UPDATE: a closely-placed source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has informed MLS Rumors² that Red Bulls will only agree to a deal if they are required to provide compensation to the Chicago Fire, presumably in the form of draft picks and/or cash. "It's the Red Bull way," he said.


* Offer not valid in Harrison, New Jersey.