01 August 2008

Hilgenbrinck Resurrected at Ansan Hallelujah FC

Former New England Revoluçion hardman Chase Hilgenbrink has turned up in an unlikely location...Ansan, a city in the Gyeonjji Province of South Korea. Ansan Hallelujah FC! He is risen!

It was widely reported that Hilgenbrink had hung up his boots for the last time in Foxboro, MA preferring entering the priesthood to enduring any more dutch ovens from his roadtrip room mate Jay Heaps or "turbowedgies" from team jokester Kenny Mansally.

“I felt called to something greater,” Hilgenbrinck said. “At one time I thought that call might be professional soccer. In the past few years, I found my soul is hungry for something else. I discerned, through prayer, that it was calling me to the Catholic Church. I do not want this call to pass me by.”

Now, inside sources who frequent a kim-chi/whiskey bar in the dong where Hilgenbrink apparently resides, report seeing the one time Ñublense and Huachipato defender with a copy of Korean for Beginners under one arm and a rosary clutched in his hand as he wandered through the door of the establishment.

Presumably, the inclusion of the word "Hellelujah" in the name of the club, plus the a wage packet higher than the burger-slinging rates offered by MLS brass, has eased the transition back into football. Looking at the stadium where Hallelujah play, it is no wonder Hilgenbrinck had a change of heart.

Surprisingly, Ansan Hallelujah FC was founded by protestant missionaries in 1980, Hilgenbrinck is Catholic. It was the missionaries' position that vigorous physical exercise was good for the soul, and so they were more than happy to bang the drum for the fledgling K-League in 1983.

Will this return to the church of football lead to a recall from Bob Bradley? Stay tuned readers, MLSRumors² will unveil all as it is learned.

in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

Crew Look to Brazil for New Talent, Supporters

Rating: 0 (utter bullshit)

We recently received the following email from someone named "Guppy":

They saved Hitler's brain! Sounds incredible, almost unbelievable, but yes, it's true: in order to further their plans, the Columbus Crew's supporters have enlisted the help of Hitler's brain! A supporter group secretly traveled to South America and with the aid of doctors down there and financing from ABC Fertilizer Inc and several other similar companies common to Columbus, they revived the head of Hitler to help them with 'their tactics.' Hitler's head had been frozen according to his last wishes in 1975 and kept in a freezer in the basement of a sympathizer ...

Here is what is rumored to be their new logo, which will be unveiled shortly.

Well, since we have an ongoing demented obsession fascination with the right-wing leanings of the Crew and their supporters, this piqued our interest, so we did a little more digging around...and it turns out that Deep Guppy only scratched the surface! MLS Rumors² sent senior Crew correspondent Ezra Lieberman to Brazil to investigate, and he turned up a list of Brazilian players who are actually Hitler clones! As of this posting, we are unable to confirm if Stefani Miglioranzi is on the list...

Breaking News Alert: Scarf Machine on Life Support After Bad Weather

Yes, loyal readers of MLS Rumors Rumors, we have discovered the secret that DC United sought to withhold from all of you loyal fans. The DC United Scarf Machine is out of order. According to sources inside RFK, they saw a horror show on the
Rumored Scarf Machine
fourth floor of the concourse during the water-logged game against Houston Dynamo. Apparently, all the power problems at RFK affected more than the lights, they blew out the transducer for the Scarf Machine – leaving it unable to function. DC United officials still refuse to acknowledge the existence of the Scarf Machine, so provided us with only the following statement: “I’m not sure what you are on about. A mythical Scarf Machine on the fourth floor of RFK? What do you think caused the lights to go out? Oops…”

RSL to Move Rice-Eccles Turf to New Stadium

Rating: 3 (Three shall be the number thou shalt rate, and the number of the rating shall be three. Four shalt thou not rate, neither rate thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.)

Looks like Real Salt Lake doesn't want to risk losing their mojo. MLS Rumors Rumors has received word that the surprise Western Conference leaders are planning to move the rock-hard fake turf from Rice-Eccles stadium to their new home when it opens this fall.

"Basically, it's all we've got going for us...our opponents are so afraid of losing key players to injury that they run out glorified reserve lineups whenever they play here. Plus that stuff is so hard, even Jersey and Toronto can't figure out the bounces," said our anonymous source. "We were all set to lay down some a really nice blend of Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass, but when Coach Kreis heard about that, he flipped his lid. He said something like, 'What, are you idiots going to MLS Ref school now or something? Are you that freakin' blind? Are you?! You stupid sons of refs! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its referees! ' So after I escaped from his office, I thought to myself, 'Sweet creamery butter! We'll move the turf! Football lines and everything!'"

(Pictured: The Turf in its present-day location)

31 July 2008

Rapids FO to Institute "Logan's Run" Attendance Policy

Rating: 4.0 (perfect in a pre-grade inflation world)

In a move reminiscent of the classic Sci-Fi thriller Logan's Run, starting with the 2009 MLS season, the Colorado Rapids front office will institute a "maximum age" requirement for all fans attending Rapids home games at DICK'S Sporting Goods Park. MLS Rumors Rumors has obtained the following internal KSG memo regarding the change in policy:
All season ticket holders, as well as walk-up customers, will have a crystal implanted in the palm of their right hands. That crystal will be yellow for all customers under age 7, blue for all customers from 7-14, and red for all customers 14-21. On each customer's 21st birthday, or "Lastday," their crystal, or "lifeclock," will turn black, and they will be banned from DICK'S until either 1) they turn 65, or 2) they have at least two children, at which point they will be able to return to DICK'S, as long as all of their children have appropriate lifeclocks.

DICK'S security has been instructed to seek out and eject all customers with black palm flowers who are not accompanied by at least two minors. Customers who run will be taken to the KSG Sleepshop for "sleepytime."

A second source from inside KSG has provided MLS Rumors Rumors with the following statement, scrawled on the back of a Flying Dog coaster:
Sometime in 2009...
the survivors of Clavijo, overzealous security and mediocrity are attending matches in a great semi-enclosed stadium, sealed away from the forgotten world outside. Here, in a family-friendly environment, mankind lives only to sit and be entertained, freed by the jumbotron and PA system which provide all atmosphere.

There's just one catch:
Life must end at 21 unless reborn in the fiery ritual of Carousel.

Send help.

NEW SPONSOR: Hovis Bread to Back Columbus

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that British baker Hovis will be sponsoring the Columbus Crew as the team's Official Bread. The announcement will be made following the unveiling of Hovis' new sponsorship deal with Manchester United striker and noted chav, Wayne Rooney.

BREAKING: Revs-Atlante to Headline Wrestlemania XXV

Rating: 1 (Wrasslin' may not be real)

Rowdy Stevie NicolMLS Rumors Rumors has learned from a source inside WWE headquarters that the professional wrestling organization has been in contact with officials from both the New England Revolution and 2007 Mexican Clausura champions Atlante regarding headlining the WWE's marquee event, the upcoming Wrestlemania XXV, to be held on April 5, 2009, at Houston's Reliant Stadium (the event is on a Thursday, forcing organizers to move the proceedings from Robertson Stadium). Our source emailed us the following statement:
There's no love lost between these two sides. It's going to be no-holds-barred action between the bad boy luchadores from south of the border, the Catastrophe from Cancún, Atlante "The Giant" F.C. and the Battlers from the 'Boro, featuring Jay "The Undertaker" Heaps, Shalrie "Superfly" Joseph, and Taylor "Nature Boy" Twellman, The New England "Viva la" Revolución!. Only on PAY-PER-VIEW!!!

Sources confirm that, should Atlante win, they will receive a purse of $1,000,000. Should the Revs emerge victorious, each player and staff member will receive a certificate worth $500 at the Olive Garden. The Olive Garden: When you're here, you're family...now go clean your room.

When contacted for comment, New England Manager "Rowdy" Stevie Nicol smashed a coconut over this blogger's head and exclaimed, "Just when they think they know all the answers, I change the questions!"

(Pictured: Four-Time MLS Cup Runner-Up "Rowdy" Stevie Nicol)

30 July 2008

LIVE :: Cuauhtémoc Blanco Sentencing (VIDEO)

This live event has ended.

MLS Leper of the Month :: Jeff Cunningham

Rating :: 2 (mmm)

Toronto FC hitman Jeff Cunningham has established quite a reputation in his many years as part of the MLS player pool. While it seemed as though he was an eternal wanderer, locked in mortal combat with Andy Williams as the most well-travelled player in league history, MLSRumors² can now report this blockbuster possibility:

Jeff Cunningham is a leper

Ives Galarcep, crackerjack reporter/blogger from Nouveau Jersey, has broken the news that even league mental institution, New York New Jersey Red Metro Donkey Bulls wouldn't touch the striker with a 3 meter shepherd's crook. The widely accepted notion that Cunningham is a locker room cancer has been blamed for the Exit 16 outfit's decision to say no thanks, eh to wee Mo Johnston's offer of a trade. This website can tell its readers, however, that it not due to this malady also suspected to afflict Dallas FC headcase Arturo "Alvin" Alvarez.

OUTGOING: bobbyboswell.com to chelseafc.com [UPDATED]

Rating: 3.5 (B+)

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Chelsea have tendered a £2 million (approx. $4 million U.S.) offer to MLS for the rights to bobbyboswell.com. An unpaid intern working at Stamford Bridge sent us the following draft press release:
Chelsea Football Club is delighted to confirm that bobbyboswell.com will become a subsection of the club's new website from August 1, 2008.

Bobbyboswell.com has great qualities. It is one of the world's top vanity websites, with a record of self-promotion and scoring chicks in two major metropolitan areas. The site gets the best out of a halfway decent looking player, and its ambitions and expectations match ours. It was the outstanding choice.

Out of respect for its current role promoting a Major League Soccer defender, who remains under contract to MLS, and to ensure minimum disruption to that player's work with Dinamo Houston, there will be no further comment from Chelsea FC nor from bobbyboswell.com about its new role until its employment with us commences.

Bobbyboswell.com issued to following statement when asked to comment on the situation:
We are unable to comment on these rumors at this time. We are currently working on capitalizing on Bobby's man-of-the-match performance against Pachuca. Once we leverage that into some hot action with a few smokin' Chivas fans, we will turn our attention to other matters.

(Pictured: some of bobbyboswell.com's successes)

UPDATE: Within minutes of the original post, bobbyboswell.com was replaced by a "Database Error," sparking further speculation that a deal is in the works.

29 July 2008

Vow of Silence?

According to the word on the street, Tom Soehn refused to answer any questions at practice today. While the average journalist might think that he was just avoiding the press, those of us over here at MLS Rumors Rumors suspected more. Based on our conversations with at least several people that have an interest, we have learned that Tommy has probably taken a vow of silence. One of our sources suggested that Coach Soehn could have said, "look, I've yelled, I've cajoled, I've begged, I've berated, I've succoured, I've pleaded, I've whispered, I've had every single type of verbal communication possible with this team. And you saw Wednesday how they rewarded my efforts. So, after this, I'm taking a vow of silence and won't talk until we get this team back on track!" We here at MLS Rumors Rumors are unsure where this leaves the team. How expansive is Tom Soehn's vow of silence? Will he talk to his wife? Will he talk to "the brain trust"? Will he talk to the police officer that pulls him over for speeding? Inquiring minds are mildly interested, so be assured that those of us at MLS Rumors Rumors are going to get to the bottom of this mystery.


Rating: 3 (meh)

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that legendary keeper Orange Traffic Cone is heading to DC! The move appears designed to replace soon-to-be outgoing keeper Zach "The Gaffe" Wells, who will be heading to Norwegian side Ham-Kam along with a case of 100 pupusas - a transfer you read about first right here at MLS Rumors Rumors.

Earlier today, after declining to discuss possible player moves with Washington Post reporter Steven Goff, United coach Tom Soehn was spotted by our source having a very interesting conversation:
Tommy wandered off to a corner of the field and started talking loudly and gesticulating wildly...at first I thought he was just talking to himself, but then I noticed that he was actually standing right next to OTC! My ears perked up, and I heard him say, "You wanna play keeper for us? You wanna play keeper for us? Well I don't see anyone else around here who can play keeper for us, so I must be talkin' to you!" I said to myself, my god, Kyle Sheldon, what a scoop! This is anonymous, right?
You bet it is, Kyle. You bet it is.

28 July 2008

INCOMING : Dodgy Film Tie-Ins

Rating: Two Thumbs Down [check yourself before you wreck yourself]

In 2009, MLS will finally bear witness to the awesome power of a fully operational QuestField. As we all cower and moisten our trousers with urinary leakage, we also be subjected to the potential wackness of Hollywood tie-ins. Unfortunately, George Lucas was too busy destroying the the childhood memories of countless 35-45 year old men with the utter dross that was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of The Crystal MOTHERF****** Skull to sign the release allowing the newest MLS franchise to use the Death Star in their promotional materials.

MLSRumorsRumors has discovered that top secret documents may exist outlining possible marketing strategems that will take advantage of team owner Joe Roth's tinsetown clout. MLSRR sources had just polished off a Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino® blended creme with Chocolate Whipped Cream and extra shot of low-fat organic cat-poop espresso, when they overheard the barrista telling the syrup steward from the International House of Pancakes across the street that Joe Roth had screamed at his assistant on his iPhone bluetooth earpiece that he had better f****ng have the drafts ready by the time Carey hauls his fat ass into town for the Board meeting.

That got us th
inking about possible film tie ins for the MLS flavor of the month. These are few of the gems that Joe Roth has had a hand in producing (or directing).

Hollywood Homicide
In Hollywood, no one is who they really want to be.

Come see the Sounders murder David Beckham and the rest of the LA Galaxy. It will be a killer match! Landycakes will be there! He really wants to be called Loretta and have babies.

While You Were Sleeping
A story about love at second sight.

We know you missed the last 30 minutes of the match with Kansas last month, sorry about that. Come find out what happens when when you take a second look at a team. Honestly, I don't know why people say they play boring soccer.

Revenge of the Nerds II : Nerds In Paradise

They're Back!

New York Red Bulls! Come see Booger Stammler, Oscar (not Marco) Echeverry, and Poindexter Magee as they bumble their way around Qwest Field trying not to embarrass Juan Pablo Angel and Dave Van Den Bergh.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains
These Girls Created Themselves

Chicago Fire in the house. They've only got one song.

Whither El Pescadito?

For years, Carlos Ruiz has been the poster child for “MLS Bad Boy”. Not only has he been a prolific goal scorer but he has earned his nickname of El Pescadito through his theatrical flopping about on the field. To add to his reputation as a “MLS Bad Boy”, Ruiz has cultivated a poor attitude and learned all the best ways to cheap shot opponents when the referee is not paying attention. However, MLS Rumors Rumors has received word that Ruiz is upset at his loss of status in favor of the new “MLS Bad Boy”, Cuauhtemoc Blanco. According to sources close to the Guatemalan striker, Ruiz feels ignored by the league and the fans. He believes the beating administered by Ricardo Clark got out the collective frustrations of MLS fans and officials and now he is in danger of being a has-been pest. Mexican Blanco’s antics during MLS games and at the US Open Cup match in Germantown, Maryland against DC United, has left Carlos Ruiz far behind in the running for “MLS Bad Boy”. MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Ruiz hopes to step up his bad attitude and reclaim his mantle.

OUTGOING: Zach Wells, 100 Pupusas to Norwegian Side Ham-Kam (DONE DEAL)

MLS Rumors Rumors just received the following email from a Norwegian-based source who claims to have heard directly from a contact at Irene's Pupusas, the pupuseria chosen to provide Ham-Kam with the tasty Salvadoran treats:

"I wish to be anonymous but I can tell you having had direct contact with Irene at Irene's Pupuseria in Wheaton, I can tell you that Wells is now a member of Ham-Kam, at least on paper. DC United offered 100 pupusas as an incentive to convince Ham-Kam to take Wells off their hands. The deal is pretty much done and Wells and the case of pupusas should be introduced by the Ham-Kam sometime this week, most likely Wednesday, possibly Thursday. However please realize that there may be a delay before the pupusas can be eaten, as they will need to be re-heated. "
The move triggered further speculation that a move to the Maryland suburbs is in the works for DC United. Despite the presence of numerous pupuserias in the District, team officials apparently turned to Irene's, located in Montgomery County, for the deal. "It looks like Victor and Will are trying to get MoCo into the mix, perhaps to help push PG [County] along in the bidding for a new stadium," said Washington Post columnist Marc "Raw" Fisher. "I can only pray that both counties wake up to the certain doom building a soccer stadium would spell to their very ways of life, before it's too late. For the love of god, we cannot afford another Frisco!"

District Mayor Andrian Fenty could not be reached for comment.

MLS Rumors Rumors Staff Has Life, Enjoys Weekend

Rating: off the board

MLS Rumors Rumors staff spent the weekend relaxing with friends and family, watching various sporting events, and eating and drinking to excess.

A good time was had by all.

More rumors will follow later today, but for now, uh, how about...um...Zach Wells and a case of pupusas to the Galaxy in exchange the rights to Abel Xavier and a case of bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Srsly. We, like, totally heard that this weekend.