15 August 2008

INCOMING: Arena to Galaxy - "I want no one else to succeed"

There Will Be Bruce
Arena: "I have a competition in me."
With the world of MLS abuzz with the possibility of Bruce Arena taking the reins from yet another pint-sized former-player-turned-interim-coach in Los Angeles, MLS Rumors² went digging for the motives behind The Bruce's habit of coaching his former team's bitter rivals. We caught up with the coaching legend at an undisclosed location in Southern California:

The Bruce: Are you an angry man, EdTheRed?
MLS Rumors²: About what?
The Bruce: Are you envious? Do you get envious?
MLS Rumors²: I don't think so. No.
The Bruce: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
MLS Rumors²: That part of me is gone... working and not succeeding...all my failures has left me...I just don't...care.
The Bruce: Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to win enough titles that I can get away from everyone.
MLS Rumors²: What will you do about your boy?
The Bruce: I don't know. Maybe it will change. Does your talent come back to you? I don't know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
MLS Rumors²: But he worked for Andrulis...
The Bruce: I don't want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, EdTheRed... to have you here gives me a second breath. I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people. Muahahahahahahaha!

Updated: Transfer News: Latest to join the European Transfer Wave

Say it ain't so... The long standing fan favorite player/coach of DC United, OTC, is rumored to be looking at a European transfer. His agent, Johnson Gregor of Sport Agency Representation, indicated that the striker/utility player had received offers from a variety of clubs from France, Germany, Italy, Poland, and Scotland.
Reportedly OTC is dissatisfied with his lack of appearances for DC United and is looking to make a move to get more first team time.

At the training ground, OTC was mum on the possibility of a transfer.

In a telephone interview, his agent stated, "There was a lot of speculation that DC United was going to try him out as a keeper. My client has never played that position but was willing to give it a go. Now DC United appears to be moving in another direction. Of course OTC is unhappy."

Sources familiar with the idea of the transfer market suspect OTC could be had for a steal in the range of $2.99 to $4.99, making him quite attractive in the transfer market.
Update: In discussing with sources close to OTC, we have uncovered a wealth of discontent. After years of being the "next big thing" and never getting a shot, OTC has no intention of rejoining DC United and would be willing to move to any side in Europe. After being pegged as the replacement for Roy Lassiter, OTC was tapped as the potential replacement for coach Thomas Rongen in a player/coach situation. When those two developments fell through, OTC continued to show up at training everyday saying at the time through his agent, "I will be a DC United player until the day someone says they don't want me." After being a shoe-in for the keeper position with the dismissal of Jose Carvallo and the lackluster form of Zach Wells, the club has elected to look outside the team for a new keeper instead of going with OTC. This apparently is a rejection too far.

14 August 2008

Shocking Alert: MLS Rumors Rumors invaded by Eurosnobs!

One man's protest against Eurosnobbery at MLS Rumors RumorsWith alarming swiftness, Eurosnobbery has entered the underground headquarters of MLS Rumors Rumors.
One man's protest against Eurosnobbery at MLS Rumors²
Despite the name of the website, readers have been subjected to news from the outside world! Said one inquiring mind: "Look, I really only care about MLS. I mean those leagues in Europe don't even have playoffs? How can I take that seriously? What does the championship mean if it does not pit the top teams against each other at the end of the season in an elimination tournament? How can you declare someone the winner that beats Derby County, Reading, or Westmeath to win the title but loses to Arsenal, United, and Liverpool?"

Sources at MLS Rumors Rumors confirmed that eurosnobbery was taking hold.
"I saw one guy sporting a Liverpool scarf in his office but where is his MLS stuff? Nowhere to be seen! That guy talks a good MLS game but when it counts, he looks at us like a summer fling. Come August, he is all 'pool all the time."

BREAKING: Chelsea Launch Cyber-Strike on BigSoccer

MLS Rumors² has learned that Chelsea are behind today's catastrophic failure of the BigSoccer message boards. Said BigAdministrator "Huss": "Abramovich thought we were too critical...he sent us a warning email, we ignored it, and *bam!* - next thing we know, it's Database Error time. It's like the Great Crash all over again. There's nothing we can do, really. If only Hicks and Gillett would help us like they promised they would!"

ALERT :: Big Soccer Down, nerds go into catatonic shock [UPDATED]

In a "shocking" development. The popular website "BigSoccer" has gone down. Desperately nerdy soccer fans across the globe have begun suffering from uncontrollable shaking and have taken solace in pulling their sweaters over their knees while rocking rhythmically back and forth. Area Red Bull fans have been heard muttering "If BigSoccer erases the record of our win over the scum from DC, what ever shall I do?" as they masturbate furiously to MetroPlayoffFever posters of yesteryear.

Stay tuned for more reports of the horror.

UPDATE: as of 5:45 PM, EDT, BigSoccer is back up and running. Looks like Secretary Rice's mission to Stamford Bridge paid off. Thanks, Condi!

BREAKING: Chelsea Move to Occupy Upton Park [UPDATED]

LONDON, 14 August: In a stunning move, Chelsea appear to have moved on Upton Park, and reports out of London's East End indicate that Chelsea are now in full control of West Ham's ground. A Chelsea spokesman told a morning press gaggle that, "West Ham's failure to adequately control their hooligan supporters has left Chelsea with no choice but to secure the safety of our players and supporters by force. Their hooligans acted out violently in Columbus, USA, and we are now in the process of punishing the aggressor."
Chelsea forces easily overwhelmed the Hammers' token resistance
West Ham manager Alan Curbishley pleaded for help from the other members of the Big Four, but with Liverpool overextended to the breaking point in Belgium, Manchester United engulfed in tabloid drama, and Arsenal not giving a shit, there appears to be little hope of anyone coming to the Hammers' aid.

MLS Rumors² has also learned that Chelsea owner Roman "Little Putin" Abramovich has travelled across London to manage the occupation himself.

MLS Rumors² reached Noted International Hooligan Expert Douglas "Dougie" Brimson for comment. Mr. Brimson noted that:
This sort of thing is just the logical extension of the problems facing MLS. If not for the inability of security to control the actions of the Kolumbus Krew Kidz at their friendly versus West Ham, none of this tragedy would have ensued. MLS must. Get. Its. Act. Together...or Chelsea's next stop could be Red Bull Park. Mark my words, America: the Hooliganpocalypse is coming. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The only way to save yourselves is to buy and read my books. All of them. New, not used, please.
Indeed, we here at MLS Rumors² agree: it's all Columbus' fault. Especially Bill Archer. I hope he's happy.

UPDATE: In a statement to the press, Abramovich rejected calls from West Ham for a ceasefire and declared that his club would pursue its mission to its "logical conclusion".

A day after a face-to-face meeting with Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks, who expressed "grave concern", Mr. Abramovich accused Liverpool of siding with West Ham by ferrying West Ham reserves to the East End.

"It is a shame that some of our partners are not helping us but, essentially, are hindering us," said Mr. Abramovich. "The very scale of this cynicism is astonishing."

13 August 2008

BREAKING: Ralston to retire from not being called up for international play

From super-secret contributor BigKris, comes this breaking news:
Word is that New England Revolution and perennially-almost-US midfielder Steve Ralston will soon announce his official retirement from not-quite-being-good-enough-for international play.

Ralston, famous as the namesake for US Soccer's "Ralston Line", has a long and storied career of not being called up for the US National team. Among the teams he was not included on were the 2002 and 2006 World Cup squads. Before that, Ralston began his almost-International career by being left off various US U-17, U-20, and U-23 teams.

With Ralston's retirement, debate has been sparked among US soccer insiders as to who will take his place as the US's standard-bearer of not-quite-good-enough. Ralston's Revolution teammate Taylor Twellman has, by all accounts, been auditioning for the part for years, although opinions vary throughout US soccer whether Twellman fits the bill. "Taylor's certainly got that wonderful pout and that, 'I can't believe you didn't pick me' chip on his shoulder," commented one US Soccer official, "But his quality of play doesn't really make him a credible candidate for almost-inclusion. It would end up being a dead giveaway every time we called him into camp that he was just there to be the new Ralston."

Said another former US coach, "There's just no one else in the US almost-player pool quite like Steve. With those watery eyes and weak chin, he just looks the part of a loser. He was always so much fun to dismiss at the end of every camp. One time I even let my son, Kenny, do it. Man, was Steve pissed! But, he took it, you know? That's why he's the best."
Steve Ralston, portrayed here by Tobias Menzies, the dude who played Brutus in "Rome".

U.S. Open Cup: A Supporter's View

Here at MLS Rumors², we're starting a new feature - turning things over to supporters for their perspective. We're starting today with DC United supporter B. Chen Mohn, who took in last night's U.S. Open Cup match between United and the New England Revolution at RFK Stadium in Washington, DC:
Let me start off by saying that the U.S. Open Cup is clearly the most important club trophy in North America. Alright, let's just get that out of the way. Don't give me that "MLS Cup is our league title" crap, or that "the Supporters' Shield is the true champion BS," okay, it's all about the Open Cup. I mean, shit, it's, like, almost 100 years older than MLS Cup, and to win it, you have to beat teams from, like, every league and shit, not just f'ing MLS, man. I mean, last year, the Supporters' Shield was definitely the shit, same with, uh, 2006, but, you know, this year, the Open Cup winner gets into the Champions League and shit, so, you know, it's, like, better and stuff.

Unless we win MLS Cup, and then that's the most important trophy.

Anyways, Emilio rulez. And that's all I have to say about that.
Well then, thanks B. Chen. Glad we cleared that up.

12 August 2008

Clavijo: "I'm not dead yet!"

Following reports that he's been given the "Full Lalas" and sent packing, a Colorado Rapids spokesperson insisted that Fernando Clavijo is still their coach.

Now, we all know how trustworthy spokespeople are, so we here at MLS Rumors² did the Soccer "Insider" one better, and went straight to the man himself. Here's what Fernando had to tell us:

PENDING: Guevara to receive red card

RATING: 5 (it'll happen...trust us)

MLS Rumors² has received word that, at some point during the remaining portion of the 2008 MLS season, volatile TFC midfielder Amado "¿Qué estás buscando?" Guevara will lose his temper and be awarded a red card for his troubles. Take this one to the bank, folks - it's a done deal.
Guevara: a red card is on the way, you can see it in his eyes

Leiweke: "We have to keep up with the RSLs of the league"

AEG President and CEO Tim Leiweke today issued statements regarding the recent dismissal, Trump-style, of GM Alexi Lalas and the more Rumsfeldian departure of head coach ("manager" in Euro-speak) Ruud Gullit. Regarding Gullit, Leiweke stated:
No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time you we threw you right out
Gotta throw the blame around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more fooling around
Time to play sexy football
Better sign a defender
Else I'll wind up fired too

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time we threw you right out
Enough blame to go around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Regarding the firing of Lalas, Leiweke was less lyrical, but no less direct:
With [Ruud] moving on, we believe that this is the right time to make more sweeping changes throughout the organization. Our commitment continues to be focused on not only finishing higher in the standings than Chivas and San Jose this and every season but to build a club capable of competing at the level of the league's elite teams, like Real Salt Lake - we have to keep up with the RSLs of the league. This decision [to relieve Alexi of his duties] is the right one for the organization, the right one for the players and the right one for our fans.

An MLS Rumors² reader spotted Lalas attempting to sell his collection of designer suits at a Los Angeles consignment shop, and overheard the Daywalker saying "I played in Serie A, you know. For reals, I did. Did you know I played guitar on an ESPN commercial once? It's all on my resume, so I'm sure I'll land another front office gig soon. Right? Right? Right?" Said our source, "I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was talking into a half-eaten Snickers bar, not a cell phone."

11 August 2008

There is something in the water, isn't there...

Actual poll from Colorado Rapids website.

MLS Rumors Rumors brings you the latest information about exciting promotions at ****'s Sporting Goods Stadium. When you attend a match at the ****, you know that you are in for a real treat. From mind-numbingly awesome tactics and formations from the clever mind of coach-for-life Fernando Clavijo (we believe he is being offered a 20 year deal worth $3.5 million), to the treatment of any 'disruptive' behavior, to the censoring of the stadium name, you get it all at the **** in Commerce City, Colorado and those crazy promotional deals are icing on the cake. So it is without question that the recent poll on the Colorado Rapids website would be filled with exciting things awaiting fans at the ****. However, we've uncovered the information that Stan Kroenke doesn't want fans to know about... The promotional ideas that did not make it: Clavijo punching (everyone gets one shot at Fernando), Stick up the Backside Give-away (first 10,000 fans get a free Colorado Rapids themed stick to put up their backsides to replace their current bible themed one), Bible Give-Away (first 10,000 fans get a free Colorado Rapids 'Holier than Thou' bible), and Family Friendly Night (every fan must bring a legal spouse and two children under the age of 8 to the match). The last one was leading in the running among the board members until the ticket guy pointed out that they were only two matches away from complete success in driving out every non-family fan that might attend a Rapids game.

NEW SPONSOR: DiamondJack's Footy Tours

MLS Rumors² would like to extend a hearty welcome to our newest (and first!) sponsor, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We'll soon have plenty of clickable adverts from them adorning our front page, but in the meantime, here's a sneak peek!

Ready for some football? Look no further than Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We've got it all! World Cup, European Championships, Copa America, and, of course, CONCACAF Gold Cup!

You'll have access to some of the best seats in the house - right in the section normally reserved for players' families!

How do we do it? None of your god-damned business, that's how!

Diamond Jack's! Experience football the island way!