Leiweke: "We have to keep up with the RSLs of the league"

AEG President and CEO Tim Leiweke today issued statements regarding the recent dismissal, Trump-style, of GM Alexi Lalas and the more Rumsfeldian departure of head coach ("manager" in Euro-speak) Ruud Gullit. Regarding Gullit, Leiweke stated:

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time you we threw you right out
Gotta throw the blame around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more fooling around
Time to play sexy football
Better sign a defender
Else I'll wind up fired too

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

No more messing around
Gotta think of my future
Time we threw you right out
Enough blame to go around

Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you
Ruudy, a message to you

Regarding the firing of Lalas, Leiweke was less lyrical, but no less direct:

With [Ruud] moving on, we believe that this is the right time to make more sweeping changes throughout the organization. Our commitment continues to be focused on not only finishing higher in the standings than Chivas and San Jose this and every season but to build a club capable of competing at the level of the league's elite teams, like Real Salt Lake - we have to keep up with the RSLs of the league. This decision [to relieve Alexi of his duties] is the right one for the organization, the right one for the players and the right one for our fans.

An MLS Rumors² reader spotted Lalas attempting to sell his collection of designer suits at a Los Angeles consignment shop, and overheard the Daywalker saying "I played in Serie A, you know. For reals, I did. Did you know I played guitar on an ESPN commercial once? It's all on my resume, so I'm sure I'll land another front office gig soon. Right? Right? Right?" Said our source, "I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was talking into a half-eaten Snickers bar, not a cell phone."

Breaking News: Salary Cap 2009

MLS Rumors Rumors' intrepid staff have worked sources from coffee shops, bars, restaurants, donut shoppes, and even an ill-advised Swedish Massage parlour (let's just say, it was as close to Gitmo as most of us would like to be). At long last, we have sourced the rumors about a change in the salary cap for the 2009 season. Garber and company have seen the attendance, merchandise, and ratings push gained from the David Beckham signing and have decided to offer teams a new option for some splash in the league.

MLS' object of obsession

According to a down on her luck Barrista from the soon to be closed coffee shop near MLS HQ, teams will be allowed to have up to four designated players accounting for up to $20 million in salary! Yes, $20 million! However, to keep parity (i.e. the Kraft amendment), teams that elect this option will have a maximum salary cap of $100,000 for the rest of the squad. Garber apparently told a bartender at a local hangout, "Look we needed some flash. After Beckham, none of the foreign signings have made any media hype. Who knows Angel or Gallardo or that guy from Toronto or that Hucksteraby dude? We need Ronaldo, hopefully all three of them on one team! We need Zidane and that Mazerati guy! MLS will go under if we don't get some more flashy players that everyone knows." Our sources believe that only two teams are currently interested in this option of four designated players, LA Galaxy and Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison New Jersey. A bouncer at a well known music club in Los Angeles reported that a certain red haired patron stated, "we care about the American dudes too. I mean, this deal is all about their development. We can get Becks, Ronaldo, Ronaldihno, and Chris Ronaldo to help out with our developmental guys. You know, guys like Doug Merritt and that bearded guy and that cool music type guy with the goatee, and some of our other youngsters will get first team time with those great players. What could be better for a super club like ours?" When asked about the need for four designated players, Ruud Gullit said, "wait, wouldn't we be giving up one of our players if we only had four?"

OUTGOING/INCOMING: Ruud to RedBulls? [UPDATED]

Ruud: Too Sexy For L.A.?

Rating: 3 (one point for each club Alexi Lalas has trashed)

Sometime in the middle of an Old Overholt and Yuengling-fueled bender this weekend, MLS Rumors² learned from a highly-placed bartender that Red Bull New York Red Bulls brought to you by Red Bull ("Red Bull Park: Coming in 2012!*") are considering replacing manager Juan Carlos Osorio with soon-to-be-unemployed Galaxy manager Ruud Gullit. Earlier this afternoon, our source came through, forwarding the following email from his best friend's sister's boyfriend, who served Jeff Agoos ice cream at 31 Flavors last night (apparently, it's pretty serious):

Goose told me that Gullit is exactly the kind of high-profile international failure that Red Bull tradition demands. Firmani, Queiroz, Parreira, Mondelo, Milutinovic, Zambrano, Johnston...that's some legacy. JCO has really lived up to that legacy, but his 9-month contract is about up, and it's time for Red Bull to find a manager to lead them through next year's all-star break. It's all about leveraging that legacy of high-profile failure into value for the Red Bull brand. Remember, Phase 1: high profile failures at manager and on the field (Lothar, Reyna, etc.); Phase 2: ???; Phase 3: PROFIT!

Looks like it's going to be a real race to the finish between MLS Super Clubs Red Bulls and the Galaxy as the season winds down!

UPDATE: a closely-placed source, who wishes to remain anonymous, has informed MLS Rumors² that Red Bulls will only agree to a deal if they are required to provide compensation to the Chicago Fire, presumably in the form of draft picks and/or cash. "It's the Red Bull way," he said.


* Offer not valid in Harrison, New Jersey.