25 September 2008

Rumor: DC United to send Richmond Kickers to Mexico

MLS Rumors² has learned that DC United plans to sign the entire roster of USL-2 side Richmond Kickers to developmental contracts, in order to send the Kickers to Mexico City to face Mexican power Cruz Azul in a CONCACAF Champions League match. According to an employee of a Maggie Moo's in downtown Washington, DC:
KP [Kevin Payne, natch] was in here this morning, and he was ranting about the Champions League. He said, "Goddammit, the [radio edit] Islanders are 2-0, and f'ing Montreal got a draw against Atlante...I mean, I'm sick of this [poop]! You know what? You know what? If the USL is so [flibber-gibbered] great, why don't we just sign the [schpadoinkle] Kickers, and send them to Mexico instead! Hey, wait a minute...You taking this down, Sheldon?"

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors to suspend blogging to deal with Champions League crisis

WASHINGTON, DC, 25 September, 2008:

My friends, it has come to this. Our country today faces an unprecedented crisis. Without the passage of emergency legislation forking over hundreds of billions of dollars to people who have recently been responsible for the loss of hundreds of billions of dollars, our very way of life could collapse.

Therefore, my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that I have chosen to suspend blogging operations and travel across town to the Capitol to ensure that we don't spiral into a Second Great Depression.

My country has called, my friends, and I must answer.

22 September 2008

INCOMING: Lalas to Columbus

Rating: 3.0 (one for every club Alexi has trashed)

MLS Rumors² has learned that, in a shock move, the Columbus Crew will soon be announcing the hiring of Alexi Lalas as president, GM, Director of Football Operations, and "Lord High Everything Else". According to our source, a bartender at a Columbus area Applebee's:
Things have been going so well, the bigwigs up at corporate are afraid the team might start turning a profit again. The last time that happened, they had to dump McBride and bring in Andrulis to keep their tax write-off in the red. They really thought they had things figured out with Sigi, but then the damn team started winning, and then needed a Plan B. They figured, hey, no one is better at killing franchises than Alexi...I mean, NO ONE. So they called him up, and, surprise surprise, he was available.
Lalas the Clown: Ohio-bound?
Crew officials did not respond to our requests for comment.