BREAKING: DC United Trades 2012 Picks For Beer, Ham Sandwich

Washington, DC:

MLS Rumors Rumors has received word from Kevin Payne's wife's hairdresser's bartender's cousin that DC United has traded all of its 2012 MLS Supah! Draft and Supplah-MENTAL! Draft picks to Houston in exchange for six cases of Dos Equis and a ham sandwich.

Kevin Payne (artist's depiction)

Taylor Gourmet, Rumored Home of United's Incoming Ham Sandwich

We contacted KP for comment, and he confirmed the move, stating: "Ah, fuck it, we weren't gonna do anything with those picks anyway. At least Houston might actually draft someone we can identify as a possible trade target in a few years. Plus, the ham sandwich will come from a deli of our choice. We haven't made a final decision yet, but we're leaning towards Taylor Gourmet on H St. "

When asked why Dos Equis, of all beer, KP replied: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends!"

Don't worry, KP, it's gonna take United supporters more than just one or two beers to make it through this season.

DC United Introduces Ben Olsen as New Head Coach

Introductory statements from KP and Benny at today's press conference:

Breaking: DC United to Select New Coach

This just in from the Internet rumor mill. Reviled manager Jose Mourinho is looking to escape the troubles of Real Madrid and is looking for a quiet place to unwind and go on the lam.

Could he be the next DC United manager?

Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.

Breaking: DC United Offers Draft Picks

After hearing that the 2011 Draft Class is expected to be very deep, the DC United Front Office staff has issued the following press announcement:

DC United has draft picks. You know that you want them. We are looking for the following in trade: 1) Plane tickets for four and luxury hotel stay in Argentina (Expecting to travel between November through February); 2) Plane tickets for one to Africa; 3) Plane tickets for four to Europe, luxury hotel stay in Europe and 4 luxury box tickets to the Champion's League Final(Travel between February through May). We are accepting bids at our offices at RFK stadium. Note: We are not interested in your players, ours are much better than any you have to offer.

Upcoming: Hooligan Expert Agrees that MLS is about to EXPLODE

According to our interview with Pookie Sulfer, ex-hooligan from ENGLAND! and reformed author, MLS is about to explode in violence and hooliganism, the likes of which have not been seen since the bad bad 1980s and 1990s.

Mr. Sulfer, tell us a bit about why you believe that MLS is ripe for a hooligan invasion?

“I ran with a pretty tough crew back in the day. We were the feared Black Street Ruffians that made many another hooligan group run with fear at just the sound of our name. We were so hard that the police had separate procedures to deal with our boys. We’d seriously mess up anyone that tried to invade our turf at Cream Puff Downs, which was named after the famous Cream Puff factory that closed down under Thatcher in favor of another Government ministry to repress the Irish. Anyway, we’d totally get all ultra-violent on other hooligan groups. They’d run so fast that they’d leave scarves and hats behind. We had quite the collection of found stuff in our headquarters.”

All very interesting and exciting Mr. Sulfer, but what does that have to do with MLS?

“I’m just telling like it is. That is hooliganism. I am out of that life now. After I broke my finger punching out some guy, I realized that there was more to life than just beating up people, so I became an author and wrote about all the cool stuff I did. Like that time when my ten mates and I jumped those two Blue Street Boys in the alley behind Hosters. That was great. We put a whooping on them. Gave them the fear of the Black Street Ruffians.”

Um, what about MLS?

“Oh, yea, just wanted to let you know what hooliganism can be like. It is not all friendly like it gets pictured in movies or on the telly. It is really hard and dangerous. It is coming here to the States, of that I can promise you. You have all the ingredients necessary: football, what you lot call soccer, fans, and stadiums. Once you have that, it is inevitable.”

Any other evidence for your assertion?

“Well just look at what kind of stick that bloke Becks is getting from fans. They are screaming at him from their seats. Those guys are willing to yell at their own players. I tell you, they are hard and will likely have words with people outside the stadium too! And when that happens it could come to blows. In DC, they get thousands of people to chant about wishing to crap on opposing team’s cities. I mean, they are advocating use of weapons of mass defecation upon innocents. That is rough. In Colorado, the hooligans are defying bans on swear words and using that harsh language to intimidate all the families that come to matches. I know from personally talking to people on Internet message boards, that a lot of people have abandoned going to Colorado Rapids games because of that hooligan behavior. And then there is the Columbus Crew Kickers fan groups. They got into with the legendary Green Street Hooligans, of movie fame, at an international friendly! You are telling me that MLS is not about to explode, it is because you haven’t been there in the trenches of hooligan violence and don’t know the signs.”

And when is this outbreak of violence going to happen?

“My guess is that as things wind down in the season towards the intensity of the playoffs, we’ll see an increasing level of violence. Look, in MLS, as the matches become more intense and more people stay away from the stadium, particularly during the playoffs, you are more likely to see a concentration of hard core support than at other times of the year. With the increased intensity of the match results, the concentration of hard core support that does not have the mitigating numbers of innocents and fair-weather fans could explode in an orgy of hooligan violence! I think we could see the use of pepper spray and tear gas to control the crowd. There is also a possibility that hooligans will use violence against marketing ploys from teams, like say if Santa Claus is part of a parade, I could see hooligans pelting him with batteries or coins. It would be carnage!”

EXCLUSIVE: KP and Kasper discuss transfer targets!

WASHINGTON, DC: Our source, who we must again stress is not necessarily a raccoon, has provided us with another gem - exclusive footage of Kevin Jong-il and Dave Kasper discussing DC United's targets for the current transfer window! Enjoy!

EXCLUSIVE: Footage of 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and Nowak!

WASHINGTON, DC: A well-placed source, who may or may not be a raccoon who regularly scavenges through the RFK dumpsters, recently provided us with security camera footage from a 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and United's head coach at the time, Piotr Nowak. Though the footage is grainy, and the sound a bit off, the two can clearly be heard to discuss Freddy Adu's lack of playing time. Enjoy this exclusive, folks!

Breaking: SAF Endorses Curt Onalfo

With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:

“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”

In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.

Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

BREAKING: DC United Announce Bid For 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

United Supporters Celebrate the Announcement of the Team's Bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

WASHINGTON, DC: DC United today announced that they have presented the U.S. Soccer Federation with a bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup. For several seasons, opponents have complained about United's penchant for only playing Open Cup matches at home, and the team has decided to take things to the logical next step for next year's competition.

A United spokesman gave the following statement at a press event this morning: "Here at DC United, our motto is 'It Takes More,' and we try to extend that to everything we do. For next year, that means submitting a bid to bring the Open Cup back here where it belongs. We think the numbers in our bid are solid, and we expect to be awarded the Cup once the Federation has examined the package."

When asked whether the team felt it's supporters would care that United was attempting to acquire the Cup without actually competing for it, the spokesman replied, "Hey, bidding is, by definition, a competition. If Seattle really wants the Cup, they're welcome to try to outbid us."

Local Fan Attempts to Reconcile Hatred of Bob Bradley with Love of USMNT, Fails

Do Not Trust This Man

RESTON, VA: In an exclusive interview with MLS Rumors Rumors, Dave Thomasson, a Northern Virginia man widely known for his passionate love of both DC United and the United States national team, expressed his recent struggle to reconcile his love of the Nats with his burning hatred of the man he refers to only as "Cheatin' Bob":

MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dave. Why don't you start from the beginning: why exactly do you hate Bob Bradley so much? After all, didn't his coaching career start as an assistant at DC United?

Dave Thomasson: He did start at DC...and that only makes what he did even harder to stomach...it was back in July 2003, and Cheatin' Bob was coaching the Metroscum in a game against DC at RFK. It was balls hot, and MLS still had that Mickey Mouse overtime rule. They also had a Mickey Mouse "fourth sub" rule, that allowed a team to make a fourth substitution, but only for the 'keeper. You know, so if your keeper blows out his ACL after you burned your last sub, you aren't hung out to dry, right?

MLSR²: Right, I remember that.

DT: Yeah, well, like I said, it's balls hot, and both teams have used up their three standard subs...and the game is tied at the end of regulation. So in OT, that cheating bastard has Eddie fucking Gaven sub in for a field player, but he takes Tim Howard's keeper jersey and comes on in goal. Like, 30 seconds later the ball goes out of play, and as soon as play stops, Gaven and Howard trade jerseys and Howard goes back to goal. Total fucking bullshit. And *then*, because it's fucking hot as the balls on Satan's rottweiler, and everyone else is gassed, Gaven makes a fucking fifty-yard run and scores the winner. It was fucking cheating bullshit, and it was all Cheatin' Bob's doing.

MLSR²: Which brings us to the World Cup, right?

DT: Right. I mean, I love the Nats. The MNT are, like, my heroes, man. I've got a United tattoo on my left shoulder, but I've got the 1950 USMNT crest tattooed on my heart, man. No lie, check it out! [ed. He wasn't kidding.] So I was all set to take out a home equity loan and go to South Africa to follow the Yanks...but then I was watching a qualifier...the one against T&T in Nashville? And they showed a closeup of Cheatin' Bob's face, and it was like a dam broke, you know? Like I'd repressed all these memories for so long, and then the hate just bubbled up, like oil from a blown-out BP well...and I just stood up in the middle of the bar - I was watching at Kitty's in Arlington, right? I just stood up, and started screaming at the TV: "BRADLEY! You fucking cheat! You fucking worthless, no-good, cheating bastard! Fuck you, Bob! Fuck you and your little cheating bitch boy Gaven! You fucking cheats!"

MLSR²: Wow. So were people a little freaked out?

DT: That's the weird thing, man. People started cheering me on! Everyone in the bar was started chanting "CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" It was seriously cathartic, man.

MLSR²: So you bailed on South Africa?

DT: I just couldn't, man.

MLSR²: You hate Bradley that much?

DT: No, I mean, I literally couldn't. My house is completely underwater - there's no way I could get a home equity loan...

Local Temple of Broseidon to Host WC Parties in Attempt to "Slay Mad Foreign Bitches"

Spartans! Tonight we Ice each other IN HELL!!1!one!!1eleven!

MOUNT PLEASANT, WASHINGTON, DC:

The local brah-halla known by its occupants as "Sparta" and the "Temple of Broseidon" has announced that it will be hosting numerous viewing parties during the upcoming month-long World Cup tournament. The residents of the house, made infamous by a recent roommate-wanted ad on craigslist, told MLS Rumors² that they expected to use the parties as a means of "slaying mad foreign bitches":

I mean, we always just figured soccer was for fags, and not cock diesel bros like us, but then our recent international brotege, Sergio, totally schooled us. He went to see some Italian team play whatever the hell the team here is called, the Uniteds or something, and he, like, totally brought home these two SMOKING hot foreign chicks. We were all, Brah, is there any more soccer coming up? And he was like, my Brosephs, the World Cup is, like, totally about to start. We were all, the Kingdom of Brah is there, bro! Then he said it's in South Africa, so we were all, let's fire up the 60" LED and bring on the foreign chicks! Plus, Sergio totally works at the World Bank, brah, so we're gonna be swimming in foreign tail! It's gonna be Teddy Brosevelt leading the Rough Riders all over again, yo!

Via further inquiries, MLS Rumors² has confirmed that the Temple of Broseidon will be converting its protein shake blenders into "Brah-garita blenders" for the duration of the World Cup.

Latest: DC United Seeking Points From Friendly

Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, and Curt Onalfo have taken issue with MLS over the value of Wednesday Night's match against AC Milan. The DC United management team is wondering why they have not received some compensation in the MLS league standings for their heroic victory over the Italian side. After dropping 8 of their first nine matches, the team is desparate for any and all points that can be assigned.

"You saw our players giving their all against one of the best teams in the world. How can that be for naught?"

When reached for comment, MLS supremo and general ruler of MLSsoccer.com Don Garber may well have said something like:

"They don't know that it is supposed to be a damn show. They think it is a damn fight."

Breaking: DC United Interested In Argentinean Coach

After years of scouting and hiring Argentinean players, DC United is making a move to hire a coach from the soccer mad country. Sources willing to remain anonymous and speculative suggested that the club was waiting until after the world cup to “get their man”.

”Our current target has some duties until the end of the World Cup and then we are looking to announce him to the world. Trust us, he is a name you will all recognize.”

DC United’s disappointing season has brought them to the brink of this dramatic action and with the mid-season firing of Onalfo only one vote of confidence away, the team is planning for the future. Speculation surrounds the current Argentinean National Team coach, Diego Maradonna. He has the playing experience, the language skills, and if Argentina fails to impress at the Cup, incentive to leave Argentina before the mob gets him.

Could he be the next mid-season Argentinean import for DC United?

Rumor: War of Words Heats Up Between Seattle and DC

After the shocking reports that Seattle Sounders FC would return money to their season ticketholders for their pathetic display in the 4:0 loss at home to the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California, DC United Supremo and Generally Boss of All Things Kevin Payne claimed that Seattle was weak for admitting their defects. According to speculation, Mr. Payne stated:

“These guys are crass amateurs. Apologizing to fans about poor play? What is this a rec league? Did you hear us come out and tell our fans ‘sorry’ after we got shellacked 4:0 in Kansas? Or 2:0 at home against the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey? No. And why? Because we win trophies!”

Rumors from RFK suggest that DC United might actually raise ticket prices on matches the team wins. They are expecting to charge an additional $5 “winner’s surcharge” to all fans in order to exit the stadium. They hope to use this money to buy a single SuperTall Half-Latte Half-Espresso Gigante.

Latest: DC United Announces Latest International Friendly

DC United is proud to announce that in July the team will be facing the international powerhouse FC Santa Coloma from the Andorran First Division. The team is touring the United States to reward their loyal fanbase and to make inroads in the lucrative US soccer market. DC United apparently came upon the idea after the mother of the trainer for FC Santa Coloma sent them a DVD with highlights.

Look, we are always trying to get the best in here. We saw this DVD and said, that is a team we need to play! They are awesome. So stylish. We saw this one guy dribble an entire team four times - he even had the same moves and the guys still bought them every time. Reminded us of the Preki moves. Wonderful. Our supporters will be enthralled.

The match is scheduled to take place at FED Ex Field in Landover, Maryland. Tickets start at $100.

Rumor: DC United Wins Game

Sources that may have been at RFK tonight have confirmed that DC United has actually won a match. According to the rumor, DC United's Australian striker Chris Pontius Daniel Allsop scored two goals in the first half. Two goals!

We will keep abreast of this rumor because obviously someone has been drinking too much at the tailgate.

Payne: United Fans "Not Drinking Enough"

Since the team's inception, D.C. United's supporters' aim has been not only to cheer for their team, but also to do so while consuming a certain quality of alcohol reflecting what was consumed by necessity during United's bleak campaigns under Thomas Rongen and Ray Hudson.

Barra Brava elders and Screaming Eagle board members shudder at the idea of employing cynical, flip cup-style tactics and cheap domestic beer such as Natty Light and Milwaukee's Best in order to kill sufficient brain cells. For the betterment of the young league, they argue, supporters should self-medicate with a certain amount of style, and if they sometimes pass out in the stands on a road trip, or in the audience at the MLS SuperDraft, so be it.

After watching United lose its first five matches this season and continuing to wake up the day after matches haunted by painful memories of repeated second-half collapses, however, United's supporters are in no position to concern themselves with aesthetics. The clubs are in frantic need of more alcohol, by any means, and seem certain to alter their tactics starting Wednesday night against the Kansas City Wizards at RFK Stadium.

Out: Bell's Two-Hearted Ale

"We discussed some things to try to get the group focused on drinking more, no matter how ugly things get," Screaming Eagles President Paul Soutodeh said. "Since I have checked our beer and liquor receipts recently, we haven't gotten any points for style. We're not worried about that right now. If we get the ship righted and if we add a few seasonal brews in the summer, maybe then we will try to go back to drinking the kind of booze we want to drink."

Barra Elder Chico Solares identified glimmers of hope Saturday, a 1,500-person tailgate prior to a loss to the New York Red Bulls that unraveled after a promising first hour. Although his group made better use of kegs, memories remained for many members the following morning.

United President Kevin Payne agreed with the supporters' harsh self-assessment: "I don't think they have earned the right to drink good beer," Payne said. "More to the point, it's not working. If it's not working, you have to drink something else."

Changes might come with mixed drinks, where various vodka concoctions have struggled. Cheap tequila, in the form of margaritas, has not made an official appearance since last fall, but will likely start today, as part of Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

In: ¡El Toro!

Further moves are likely inside the stadium later this summer, when local beer distributors try to move large quantities of overrated, overpriced imports. United technical director Chad Ashton recently spent two weeks in Argentina and is scheduled to drink heavily in Europe and Africa this month.

"We could use some better beer at a few stands inside the stadium, but that is not why people remember that we are 0-5," Payne said. "People remember that we are 0-5 because they haven't been drinking as heavily as they need to be, collectively or individually. It seems like every game four or five guys don't throw up."

Asked if some supporters are simply not dissolute enough to drink away the front office's failures, he said, "There is a point with certain supporters which you have to say, 'Maybe this is it, maybe this is what they are going to drink and maybe it's not as much as we think it is.'"

Breaking: DC United Injury Woes Extend to Fans

MLS Rumors Rumors has just become aware that DC United fans have fallen to the injury bug that has decimated the team and the front office. According to our source, in the aftermath of the match last Saturday, at least 50% of the fans have experienced blindness, nausea, headaches, and memory loss, the remaining 50% are being examined for severe depression and anxiety.

“It must have been sometime around the 50th minute, I was watching the match and then all of a sudden everything went black! The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey were making an attacking move and that was the last thing I saw. I don’t know what happened! I haven’t been able to see anything since then!”

Some fans are resorting to homemade anti-depressants

Fans are being told to report to physicians immediately for assistance. The American Psychiatric Association is advocating that all DC United fans take large doses of anti-depressants. According to a certain Sunday evening TV show, it is possible to cook up some home-made anti-depressants in your basement if you do not have health insurance and cannot wait until 2041 for the recent healthcare bill to go into effect.

Breaking: DC United Identifies Midfielder

Scout/Director of Something/Former Assistant Coach Chad Ashton's trip to Argentina has gotten results. We at MLS Rumors Rumors utilizing our contacts in secret government agencies that you know nothing about and are probably unsavory, have uncovered the recent e-mail that Mr. Ashton sent back to the club. We print it in full below to keep you, the fan, informed. We print it because we can and we care about integrity and nothing says ethics like printing a hacked confidential e-mail.

So, without furth Adu ado:

Dave,

I think I've found our solution to our attacking midfield problem. We've got this Argentinian guy here that has some great moves and some awesome tape. He's got some MLS experience with a couple of teams, so he knows our league. Not only that but he has been voted MLS Best XI and won an MLS MVP award. The guy is quality and even helped his first team win an MLS Cup after joining mid-season. I think this guy would really be the boost we need to reach a mid-table level in the league. He's current keeping active but I think we could prize him away from his current club with the use of some allocation money. Perhaps we can trade for an allocation or DP slot, so that we can pick him up.

All the best,

Chad