14 August 2009

RUMOR: Seattle Sounders midfielder on the way to Benfica?

It has come to our attention that God's gift to MLS, the Seattle Sounders, may soon be without a beloved crowd favorite leftover from USL/A-League/various minor leagues of not much note. Through a source (which we will not identify) served by an Ibiza bartender who once scored with Mike's neighbor's daughter while her suburbothug friends flashed gang signs, we have learned that none other than Sebastian LeToux is heading to Benfica.

After doing some digging, we found this item on the Benfica team site. We at MLSRumors² are not such cunning linguists that we can decipher the byzantine Portuguese language, but it seems pretty clear that "Seba" is on his way to the Iberian peninsula. It is not clear if the transfer will go into effect now or in the winter transfer window. Seattle attendance kings will be concerned that the full emotional ejaculation of a possible Open Cup championship will be weakened if this symbol of continuity is not with the team. LeToux would, of course, applaud the 25,000 rave green clad supporters whom will descend upon RFK to show DC United "how its done".

Stay tuned, remember, today's rumor is tomorrow's headline!

That's harsh Sunil

13 August 2009

Northern Virginia Man Suffers Shattered Self Esteem, Bruised Ego In Loss To Mexico

FAIRFAX, VA 13 August, 2009: A medical report issued by psychiatrists at INOVA Fairfax Hospital confirmed an initial diagnosis of shattered self esteem and a bruised ego for local soccer fanatic Grayson Whitman following the United States crushing loss at the hands of Mexico yesterday afternoon.

"His ego is banged up pretty good," said INOVA spokesman James Ledbetter. "He was talking smack to his Mexican co-workers at the World Bank all week. Going on about 'It's the U.S.' time, Mexico is over as a regional power, 5-0 was a fluke.' Just knowing he has to face them when he's healthy enough to get back to the office has caused some deep bruising."

Grayson Whitman, Recovering At INOVA Fairfax Hospital. Image by Flickr user Docman.
More troubling, however, is Whitman's shattered self esteem. According to Ledbetter, "Grayson really lives vicariously through the USMNT. He's been having a rough go of things lately - his girlfriend left him for a Brazilian guy who works for McKinsey, his dog ran away, that sort of thing - and the success of the US national team was really keeping him going. After that early goal, his self esteem took a quick jump up, and the subsequent crash just put too much strain on the system; when that second Mexican goal went in, it just shattered. It's sad, really."

Doctors have prescribed an intensive regimen of beer and hard alcohol, "but no wine," said Ledbetter, the INOVA spokesman. "He's also been prescribed some anti-depressants, and some painkillers. The guy's in bad shape right now, but we're hopeful that he'll be back to his chest-thumping, Mexican taunting best by next summer's World Cup. Of course, if the U.S. doesn't qualify, he could be facing a life-or-death situation."

When reached for comment in his hospital room, Whitman stated: "DC United had better win the [expletive] Open Cup...I've been talking [expletive] about it to my cousins out in Seattle for weeks."

12 August 2009

Breaking: Bob Bradley packing bags?

Bob Bradley awaiting marching orders?

It has come to our attention that Bob Bradley has been given the dreaded vote of confidence by the USSF. In statements made to the press in Mexico, Sunil Gulati dictator Supremo head of US Soccer said that US Soccer would stick with Bob Bradley through the World Cup. We here at Rumors² would like to take him at his word but after reviewing the book by Johnny "Captain for Life" Harkes, we can only believe that Bradley is on the outs.

Speculation around the bar is that Gulati became enamoured while in Washington DC of a job applicant announced on DC 101 that said he had 23 years of organizational experience and would take any job. Gulati was in DC watching the Match of the Century (where were you?!) between Real Madrid and DC United.

When attempted to be reached for comment, all parties promptly hung up on us.

11 August 2009

BREAKING: Sounders To Hoist "Attendance Champions" Banner

SEATTLE, 11 August, 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Seattle plans to open their 2010 home schedule with a pre-match banner-raising ceremony, honoring the team's first title: 2009 MLS Attendance Champions.

According to our source, a local bike messenger who occasionally smokes up with Seattle FO personnel:
They got the idea from the [WNBA's Washington] Mystics. I mean, everyone from Drew on down to the fans in the stands is really pumped up about how we've pwnd the league at the turnstiles. It really is the truest measure of a team's success. Like, look at the Cubs! No one gives a shit that they haven't won a world series in over a hundred years, they still pwn bitches like the Marlins and D-Backs, because they sell more tickets.
While the Attendance Champions banner is "a done deal," still up for grabs is the coveted "Merchandise Championship." The Sounders currently hold an edge over TFC and the LA Galaxy, and if they maintain it through the end of the season, our source tells us that:
They're gonna go all out for that one, man...we're talking the biggest banner you've ever seen...I mean, I hate to keep coming back to it, but look at the Cubs, or the Indians. Who cares about rings, man? These guys sell so much more merch than the Phillies or the Marlins, it PROVES that they're better. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Dollar bill, y'all.

Obama Weighs in on Seattle Controversy

Having read the recent diatribe from Seattle Fans, President Obama has reportedly taken offense. According to staffers that may have been overheard while drinking at a bar in or around the White House, Obama is livid that Seattle Sounders FC fans are up on their high horse.

Obama is rumored to have ranted -

"Look, first we had to deal the pretenders from Toronto, claiming to be the best expansion team, but what have they ever won. NOTHING! Now we've got these greenies from the Northwest claiming to be the best expansion franchise ever. What? Am I missing something? Did they win an MLS Cup in their first season? Please, they remind me those howling talking heads on Fox."

As of this writing, it is unclear what actions the President may choose to take. We asked around for some speculation and the majority think that Obama will offer to host the next 20 G-8 conferences, the World Bank/IMF meetings, and all future World Trade Organization meetings in the city of Seattle.

Seattle Leads The Way!

Look out, MLS old guard, there's a sassy new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Seattle Sounders. Yes, that's right, the league's newest addition is taking the nation (and our Canadian cousins) by storm, and all around the league, supporters of old, decrepit, moribund teams are giving thanks to their saviors.

Scott MacLeFleur, a member of Toronto FC's North End Elite, was effusive: "Gosh, I mean, when we came into the league, we thought we were God's gift, that we were going to single-handedly save those hosers from themselves, eh? Turns out, though, we were just a bunch of f*ckin' amateurs compared to Seattle. I mean, a marching band? Wow. And I hear their fake turf is even better than ours...and that really hits home for us. I just thank God they deigned it upon themselves to join MLS and save us, when they could've just stayed in USL-1 forever, with the massive crowds they were drawing."

Whitey McWhite, a member of shadowy Columbus supporters group the Kolumbus Krew Kidz, told MLS Rumors Rumors: "I'm just glad we won the double last year, because I get the feeling we're never going to win anything ever again. God bless those Sounders, every one!"

Thaddeus Jarvis, the Colorado Rapids supporter, told us: "Oh man, thank God for the Sounders! Now maybe the Rapids FO will stop ordering security to kick me out of every home game!"

And finally, Piotr Kowalski of Chicago's Section 8, gushed, "Wow, I mean, Seattle is such a great sports town, they really should look into getting an NBA franchise, too. Just think what they could do for basketball if they could land a charismatic young scorer like, say, Kevin Durant! My god, they'd be sold out forever!"