03 December 2008

Just in: Canadian Coalition to Bring Down MLS?

Former MLS executive Ivan Gazidis made some startling comments today in an undisclosed London pub. As previously reported in many news sources, the Montreal ownership group pulled their bid for an MLS team around the time of the MLS Cup (perhaps because they saw the league as besmirched with the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey reaching the final). Recently, the Vancouver bid seems to be headed for the same fate. Gazidis reportedly said that the teams were looking to form a coalition to build their own league. They are testing out names such as the Looney League and Major Soccer League. After the success of the Montreal in the CONCACAF Champions League Group stage and the failure of four three [ed.: whatevs, like we were paying attention, man] four [ed.: Toronto failed in Canadian qualifying, Chivas USA and NE failed in preliminary, and DC United didn't make it out of the group] MLS teams to either advance or even make the group stage, the Canadian Coalition is looking to form a stronger government league. The ownership groups believe that a Canadian run league would be stronger and more able to have international success.
"Canadians should know that these ownership groups lied to them. These guys said they would never form a coalition to bring down MLS and yet here they are launching a coup."

RUMOR: Barca to Partner With Disney for MLS Miami II

ORLANDO, FL, 3 December, 2008: A local bartender who recently worked a catered event at Disney World has informed MLS Rumors² that not only is MLS Miami II "90% certain of happening," the team's ownership will also include the Walt Disney Corporation. "I was talking to a drunk Disney exec, and he told me that Disney sees MLS Miami II as an excellent opportunity to expand the Disney global brand. Right now, the plan is to call the team the Barca USA Big Green. They'll wear claret and dark blue tops with green shorts at home, and green tops with gold shorts on the road. Also, they're going to play half of their games in Orlando, at a soccer-specific stadium Disney is going to build where Space Mountain is right now."

MLS Rumors² did a little digging around on the internet, and it turns out that this has been in the works for over a decade! Don't believe us? Well, check out this little nugget from the freakin' New York Times, suckas:
For the last two weeks, all 12 M.L.S. teams have been training together and playing scrimmages at the Walt Disney World Resort's Disney Wide World of Sports complex in Lake Buena Vista, Fla. In the marketing world, that's called synergy. How long can it be before Disney fields a team called the Big Green to complement its soccer movie that starred Rodney Dangerfield?
How ya like us now?

Our man on the scene in Orlando also informed us that Barca and Disney are planning to give away upwards of 10,000 tickets per match: "They're looking at this whole deal as a loss leader. It's all about establishing the Barca and Disney brands. In the current business environment, they think it's a real winner of a concept."

02 December 2008

Bank of America Customer Service Transcript

[Begin Call]
Customer Service Representative 3137: Hello, Mr. Hunt? This is Cindy Smith, from Bank of America.
Clark Hunt: Huh? Can I help you?
3137: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us today. We've noticed some unusual activity on your account, and company policy requires us to bring it to your attention.
CH: Oh. Okay. What's going on?
3137: Well, apparently someone using your account information has authorized a transfer of $649,998.73 to one "Guillermo Barros Schelotto." Obviously, this kind of transfer is not in line with your thirteen-year account history.
CH: Mother of Mercy! $649,998.73?!! What the H-E-double hockey sticks?!!
3137: If you'd like, Bank of America can open an official inquiry into this transaction.
CH: You're darn tootin' I'd like! You'd better get to the bottom of this, pronto! Or you're gonna be beggin' for some of those bailout dollars just to cover your legal bills!
3137: We'll start the inquiry right away, sir.
CH: You do that, Cindy. You do that.
[End Call]

Philly MLS Breaks Ground...Andy Reid Spoils Ceremony

REID: A Sad, Confused Man in Chester
CHESTER, PA, 2 December, 2008:
The groundbreaking ceremony for the new soccer-specific stadium in Chester (Motto: Who Needs a Grocery Store When You've Got a Casino?) went horribly awry yesterday when an apparently disoriented Andy Reid, the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, crashed the ceremony and repeatedly threw a red flag into the line of dignitaries waiting to dig the ceremonial first shovelfuls* of dirt. According to a source who was present at the confused scene:
Coach Reid just kinda wandered in, wearing his headset and everything. It looked like he'd been drinking, and the smell of Cheetos was overpowering...anyways, he just keeps throwing this red flag into the line of shovels. Throwing it, picking it up, and throwing it again. I didn't think he'd ever stop. Finally, some guy wearing a blue and yellow scarf grabbed a megaphone and announced: "Upon further review, the player was down by contact before crossing the plane. The ruling on the field stands. Philadelphia is charged a timeout." Then Reid just picked up the flag one last time and shuffled off in the direction of the highway. It was just bizarre, man. And sad, too.

*Note: I'd have thought it'd be "shovelsful," but spell-check has spoken.

01 December 2008

Barca: MLS Miami II Will Be Most Epic Fail Ev-ah!

MIAMI, 1 December 2008: MLS Rumors² recently received an email from a confidential source with ties to Barcelona's MLS expansion bid:
It's, like, gonna be insane. Barca are 100% committed to making this team the most epic fail in the history of epic failure that is professional sports in South Florida. You think you've seen fail before? You think the Marlins' ritual post-World Series fire sales are something? Well, at least they f'ing *won* the Series, even if no one went to their games. MLS Miami II will be the culmination of decades of South Florida fail. They're going to market heavily to the locals of Puerto Rican, Cuban, and Dominican descent, with an ad campaign that calls baseball a sport for [Ed.: rhymes with harrycons]. Then, they're going to spend over $3 million to bring in a washed-up Brazilian, like, say, Ronaldo, who will promptly spend every waking hour either in the clubs or on South Beach, getting fatter and slower by the day. It'll make Lothar's "Rehab on the Riviera" look like serious training.

I'm telling you, it's going to be Epic. Truly Epic.

Stay tuned, dear readers, this is a developing story.