United Matchday: Seven Drunken Cup Matches

In honor of tonight's marquee tilt between DC United and Toluca de Mexico, we reprint the timeless Irish-American drinking song, Seven Drunken Cup Matches:

As I got to RFK on a Monday night,
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Janicki playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Janicki's playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut!
No, you cannot see,
That's a hairy-chested Bulgarian
That KP signed for me!"

Well, for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But mutton chops on a Bulgarian
I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Tuesday night,
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied N'Silu slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why N'Silu's slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You internet nut,
No you cannot see!
That's a new Brazilian striker
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a Brazilian from Kinshasa
Sure I've never seen before!

Even the RFK Stadium cats have to drink to cope with Cup nights.

As I got to RFK on a Wednesday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Kocic in between the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Kocic is standing 'tween the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's the brother of Troy Perkins
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a brother of Troy Perkins
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Thursday night
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied DiRaimondo playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me
Why DiRaimondo's playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's an Argentinian winger
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But an Argentinian from St. Louis
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Friday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Szetela in the midfield
Where Gomito should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Szetela is in the midfield
Where Gomito should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's a fit young Tico
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But a fit young Tico gasping for breath
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Saturday night
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Shipalane playing libero
Where Jaime Moreno should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's a guy named Tiyi
Where Jaime Moreno should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's Juan Sebastian Veron
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But la Brujita in a United kit
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Sunday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's some lovely Murphy's
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But Murphy's the colour of donkey piss
Sure I've never seen before!

Heart Breaking: Cooper Sends Note

After Cooper scored his second goal for 1860 Munich of the Second Division in Germany, the young US-American striker has done something sure to raise some hackles - he sent Bob Bradley, US National Team coach, a bouquet of flowers with a note reading:

Dear Bob, thanks for your confidence in me. I couldn't have succeeded without all those call ups to the national team. BTW could you resend your phone number, I accidentally hit delete on your contact information. Loves, Kenny

Confidential: Diamond Jack's E-mail Revealed

To: MLSRUMORSRUMORS
From: Diamond Jack
Date: August 13, 2009
Re: Seattle's USOC Bid

Dear Mr. Rumorsrumors,

It has come to our attention that you are the most reliable news outlet discussing the recent controversy regarding the US Open Cup Final venue. We would like to say that we firmly believe the process run by our colleagues at US Soccer is as open, fair, and reliable as any run by CONCACAF, FIFA, and the Trinidad & Tobago FA. We know that they looked at the various options brought in the bids and compared them on the merits. For example, if one club was willing to pony up some assets to assure that the US Soccer decision committee could make their evaluation and decision in a place of relaxation and enjoyment, instead of from the stressful location of their offices, that club should be viewed more favorably than another. If one club understands the demands placed upon individual members of such committees and pro-actively provides those members with appreciation and thanks, that club should recieve the benefit of the doubt. This is the way the world works and no amount of finger pointing and suggestions of impropriety will change that.

We know that the entire US Soccer organization is above reproach and we have thoroughly enjoyed working with them. We look forward to continuing our thankless tasks in football together and will enjoy seeing them at the spa in South Africa, which was provided free-of-charge from one such appreciative FA.

Best Regards,

Diamond

PS: I regret to tell you that phone service in Trinidad & Tobago is somewhat spotty. We can only assure a good connection through heavy monetary investments, which we fund through our Diamond Jack Footy Tours operation. According to our records, not enough US fans travelling to Mexico for the recent qualifier chose our company and we were unable to pay for our phone services. Diamond Jack likes to put a call in to the referee before the match to assure a fair and unbiased performance, which he was unable to do for this match. We are sorry that the events of the day demonstrated the need for such a phone call. In the future, it would help us all if you could tell your readers to choose Diamond Jack Footy Tours for all their travel needs.

This e-mail is to be embargoed until August 24, 2009. We also request that broadcasters refer to "The" Diamond Jack of Diamond Jack Footy Tours, so as not to confuse people with the other Diamond Jack, who runs a snake farm in Florida.

Next Time, On Rookie Life: FAIL

Well then.

H/T The Mighty Insider