31 October 2008

Tree Falls In Forest, Out-Draws Revs-Fire

QUIMBY, Maine: Local authorities announced this morning that, on the evening of October 30, 2008, a tree fell in the forest approximately 2.2 miles to the north and east of this remote hamlet. Local alderman Jaques Courvoisier told MLS Rumors²: "It was a big sucker. Yawp, made quite a racket comin' down. I reckon at least 5,500 people musta heard it - it's prime huntin' season, and I bet the sound carried clear over to Presque Isle."

Phineas Parkhurst "Diamond Phin" Quimby, whose lifeless corpse helped boost the falling tree's attendance.

Last night's Revolution-Fire playoff match was "attended" by "5,221" "people" at Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, Massachusetts, meaning that the Revolution were out-drawn by a tree falling in a remote forest in northern Maine.

30 October 2008

Bonus Expansion Coverage: Vegas - the One that Got Away

"O deepest wound of all thy bid should die / On that darkest day. Oh, he could hide / The tears out of his eyes, too proud to cry."
There's no sugar-coating it, folks. When the housing bubble burst, followed by the credit crisis, Las Vegas was hit hard. Leading to the premature death of the city's expansion bid. This, my friends, was a tragedy on an epic scale, for Vegas would have been the Ultimate Road Trip Destination. Don't believe us? Let's take a look at the numbers, shall we?

Dining: 5 Not only is the town chock full o' celebrity chefs, it's also got some fantastic cheap eats, including some top-notch Korean places that cater to the cold-blooded blackjack dealers who just wiped you out in 15 minutes down the road at the Bellagio.
Entertainment: 6 (out of a possible 5). This would be a 7, but after Manticore the Tiger put an end to the Sigfried and Roy experience, well...let's just move on before we get all misty-eyed...
Site-Seeing: 5 If for some bizarre reason you get tired of checking out downtown and the Strip, you can hop into a helicopter and check out the Grand Canyon. Srsly.
"Entertainment": 6 (out of a possible 5). If you don't know you better ask somebod-ay!
Drinking: 5. You drink for free on the casino floors. Allow us to repeat that: you drink for free on the casino floors. Oh sure, you pay for it in the end, but still...free!
Climate: 1. Yeah, so, it's in the desert...

Final Score: 28 out of 30. Weep, gentle reader, for what might have been.

29 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates VII: Montreal

Poutine: don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Alright folks, here it is, the final chapter in our Expansion Opus...Montreal! Home of Formula 1 racing, poutine, and a bunch of other cool stuff!

Dining: 5 From cheap eats (poutine) to world class (and pricey as hell) restaurants, Montreal's got it all. Seriously. The food is fantastic.
Entertainment: 5 They have a casino. Allow us to repeat that: they have a casino. It is open 24 hours a day.
Site-Seeing: 3 It's not really a great city for site-seeing...then again, there's so much in the way of eating, drinking, entertainment, and "entertainment" going on that you really wouldn't bother visiting a bunch of world-class museums, even if they did have them.
"Entertainment": 5 Home of the world famous "Canadian Ballet." Remember, the ladies who don't quite make the cut at Cirqe de Soleil still have to make a living...
Drinking: 4 Bonus point for drinking age of 18.
Climate: 4 It can get hot and humid in the summer, and when it does, there isn't much in the way of AC available...however, it's generally more pleasant than the usual suspects (I'm looking at you, Houston, DC, and Frisco, TX).

Final Score: 26 out of 30! Tied with Portland! Of course, since there are two slots available, we don't have to pick a winner...but this is America, and we like winners and hate ties, Doug Logan said so, so we've got to settle this somehow...oh yeah! This is America! So we'll give the win to the American city, Portland, because those silly Poutine-Eating Surrender Monkeys won't care whether they win or lose! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

28 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates VI: Portland

Yeah, it's that cool.
Ah, the City of Roses! (Then again, Baltimore is "Charm City," so I wouldn't be surprised to discover that there aren't, in fact, any roses in Portland at all.) Home of one of the top supporters groups in that portion of North America that lies above the Rio Grande, the Timbers Army. Does Portland have what it takes to merit an MLS expansion side? Let's find out...

Dining: 4 A city that takes its food seriously. We thought about awarding a bonus point for Portland's alleged status as a mecca for vegetarians, but we love ourselves some meat, so we didn't.
Entertainment: 4 Bonus point for live music scene.
Site-Seeing: 4 Half a bonus point for a lively arts scene, and half a bonus point for outdoorsy-type shit, which some people might want to take in.
"Entertainment": 4 Bonus point because one of the hottest women this blogger went to college with spent a couple of years moonlighting as an "entertainer" in Portland...or maybe it was Seattle...whatever...[pauses to dial up "Centerfold" on iPod]
Drinking: 5 Mmmmmmm...beer. Beer in brewpubs. Beer in movie theaters. Yummy, yummy, malty, hoppy beer. Gallons and gallons of The Good Stuff. Certified top-notch brew. None of that Beer-Like Product they pawn off on the vulgar masses in St. Louis. Real f'ing beer. More breweries than Cologne, Germany. Mentioned by the late, great Michael Jackson (the sane one) as a candidate for Beer Capital of the World. If that's not worth 5 points, nothing is.
Climate: 4 Bonus point for relative lack of summer humidity (compared to, say, Miami, Houston, DC, or Atlanta).

Oh! Looks like Portland is tied with Vancouver with 25 points...

But wait! We're awarding one Big Rob Bonus Point for proximity to the Emerald Triangle! Which means...

Final Score: 26 out of 30! We have a new front-runner

27 October 2008

Grading the Expansion Candidates V: Vancouver (UPDATED)

What was Steve Francis thinking? We may never know...
Alright, time for the second Canadian city on our list: Vancouver.

Remember when Stevie "Franchise" Francis was drafted by the then-Vancouver Grizzlies? Remember how he pouted for the rest of the televised draft, and then forced the Grizz to trade him to Houston?

I wonder what the hell he was thinking...and I'm sure that at some point during his first road trip to Vancouver as a member of the Rockets, he asked himself the same question: "What the hell was I thinking?"

With that aside out of the way, let's get to the numbers!
Dining: 4 A very good city for food. No denying it.
Entertainment: 3 Good but not great.
Site-Seeing: 4 Bonus point for all the cool outdoorsy stuff in the vicinity.
"Entertainment": 4 Hey, they've got an "entertainment district," right? Plus, with all those Japanese businessmen in town, you figure they've gotta have some decent, uh, establishments.
Drinking: 3 - bonus point for drinking age of 19, but point deducted for early closing time, assuming this article about bars closing at midnight outside the entertainment district is correct.
Climate: 4 Summer league and all that...

Final score: 22 25 out of 30. Not quite enough to take the top spot away from Miami...and Although with Portland and Montreal still to come, well, it looks like it won't will it be enough for Vancouver to make the MLS Rumors² cut? Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Taking Big Rob's comment into account, we are awarding Vancouver a 3 point "BC Bud Bonus." Why? Because that's how we roll, that's why. Of course, this just increases the "what was Steve Francis thinking?" factor.