12 June 2015

Source: Klinsmann to Call Up Retired Reyna: "He's Just Straight Trolling Landon"

CHICAGO, June 12, 2015 -

A source inside U.S. Soccer confirmed that United States Men's National Team manager Jurgen Klinsmann is "seriously considering" calling up retired midfielder Claudio Reyna for the upcoming CONCACAF Gold Cup tournament.  Reyna will join midfielder/defender Damarcus Beasley, also called up by Klinsmann despite having retired from National Team duty following last year's FIFA World Cup.

Donovan In Happier Times

"He's just straight trolling [retired forward/midfielder/water fountain model] Landon [Donovan] at this point," said the source, who asked for anonymity because "Everyone at, like, the C.I.A. and in Congress get anonymity, so, like, why can't Carl Anderson?  It's not like Carl Anderson isn't an important person!  Carl Anderson has friends in the business!  Carl Anderson is, like, the friggin' Rickey Henderson of the U.S. Soccer Logistics department!"

The anonymous source continued:  "I mean, we all thought there was no way Jurgen could top what he did to Landon last year," when Klinsmann famously cut Donovan from the final World Cup roster, "but he's really sticking the knife in now.  It's amazing.  No one really knows why Klinsy hates him so much, but he really does.  We heard a rumor one time that Landon crushed him in a game of FIFA, playing as Arsenal, and that Landon was, like, just talking shit the whole time, just, like, 30 minutes of 'What do we think of Tottenham?' and shit like that.  But that's just a rumor man, so, like, don't put that into your article."

05 June 2015

Rumor: DC United Owners Meet With Charles Town, WV Officials

Charles Town, West Virginia, June 5, 2015

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that DC United ownership has recently been conducting meetings with officials of Charles Town, WV, to discuss the possibility of opening a new, soccer-specific stadium and training center as part of the Hollywood Casino at Charles Town Races development.

Said one anonymous team official, "We realized that we just couldn't rely 100% on [Virginia governor Terry] McAuliffe to sabotage our deal with the District, so we decided we needed to pursue other options.  The possibility of building a new stadium so close to our Martinsburg fanbase, while at the same time being able to incorporate not just slot machines, but actual table games, such as blackjack and Texas hold 'em, into our game-day in-stadium experience?  Talk about maximizing game day revenue streams!  It's just too good a possibility not to explore further.  I mean, it's not like we've got a stadium deal already in place, because there is very clearly a 'no no-backsies' clause in our agreement with the District.  Plus, we were totally crossing our fingers behind our backs when we signed that deal."

Future home of DC United?

Another senior team official added, "Look, let's be clear, we don't give a rat's ass about anything other than maximizing our return when we sell the team to whatever energy drink company or random emirate can pony up the most cash in a few years, and we're going to do whatever it takes to achieve maximum return on a minimum investment.  I mean, have you seen our payroll?  Around here, 'DP' stands for 'Don't Pay...as in we Don't Pay shit!'"

When asked for comment regarding the team's possible relocation to West Virginia, United head coach Ben Olsen replied, "Dude, wait...what?"

Loudoun County officials were blindsided by United's meetings with Charles Town.  "What the hell?!" said one official, who requested anonymity because Steven Skragmore is a really, really unique name, and everyone would know it was him if we used it.  "We had a handshake deal in place to replace the written deal they have in place with DC!  What kind of backstabbing shenanigans is this?  Who the hell do these guys think they are?  This isn't fair!  DC United belongs in Virginia, not some podunk hicktown in West Virginia with nothing but cow patties and gambling!  Wait, you're not going to use my name, right?  Because I wouldn't want to piss off a whole state that can't even get non-contaminated drinking water right..."

District of Columbia mayor Muriel Bowser was in a meeting with Bruce Allen and Dan Snyder, and was unavailable for completely fabricated comment.

19 January 2011

BREAKING: DC United Trades 2012 Picks For Beer, Ham Sandwich

Washington, DC:

MLS Rumors Rumors has received word from Kevin Payne's wife's hairdresser's bartender's cousin that DC United has traded all of its 2012 MLS Supah! Draft and Supplah-MENTAL! Draft picks to Houston in exchange for six cases of Dos Equis and a ham sandwich.

Kevin Payne (artist's depiction)

Taylor Gourmet, Rumored Home of United's Incoming Ham Sandwich

We contacted KP for comment, and he confirmed the move, stating: "Ah, fuck it, we weren't gonna do anything with those picks anyway. At least Houston might actually draft someone we can identify as a possible trade target in a few years. Plus, the ham sandwich will come from a deli of our choice. We haven't made a final decision yet, but we're leaning towards Taylor Gourmet on H St. "

When asked why Dos Equis, of all beer, KP replied: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends!"

Don't worry, KP, it's gonna take United supporters more than just one or two beers to make it through this season.

28 November 2010

Breaking: DC United to Select New Coach

This just in from the Internet rumor mill. Reviled manager Jose Mourinho is looking to escape the troubles of Real Madrid and is looking for a quiet place to unwind and go on the lam.

Could he be the next DC United manager?

Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.