19 January 2011

BREAKING: DC United Trades 2012 Picks For Beer, Ham Sandwich

Washington, DC:

MLS Rumors Rumors has received word from Kevin Payne's wife's hairdresser's bartender's cousin that DC United has traded all of its 2012 MLS Supah! Draft and Supplah-MENTAL! Draft picks to Houston in exchange for six cases of Dos Equis and a ham sandwich.

Kevin Payne (artist's depiction)

Taylor Gourmet, Rumored Home of United's Incoming Ham Sandwich

We contacted KP for comment, and he confirmed the move, stating: "Ah, fuck it, we weren't gonna do anything with those picks anyway. At least Houston might actually draft someone we can identify as a possible trade target in a few years. Plus, the ham sandwich will come from a deli of our choice. We haven't made a final decision yet, but we're leaning towards Taylor Gourmet on H St. "

When asked why Dos Equis, of all beer, KP replied: "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty, my friends!"

Don't worry, KP, it's gonna take United supporters more than just one or two beers to make it through this season.

29 November 2010

DC United Introduces Ben Olsen as New Head Coach

Introductory statements from KP and Benny at today's press conference:

28 November 2010

Breaking: DC United to Select New Coach

This just in from the Internet rumor mill. Reviled manager Jose Mourinho is looking to escape the troubles of Real Madrid and is looking for a quiet place to unwind and go on the lam.

Could he be the next DC United manager?

Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.

24 November 2010

Breaking: The MLS Changes Don Garber Did NOT Announce

We all know that MLS has many things in the works and they are trying to balance the people that follow soccer (or football, if you want the better known name) and the people that only come out because their little kids play recreation soccer and got free tickets. MLS headquarters has been all abuzz with new changes expected over the next few years to secretly appease the football aficionados without alienating the US American public (which to date really has ignored MLS, anyway...).

Top secrets Garber does not want you to know:


Yes, it is coming to MLS. However, because everyone knows that after paying a multi-million dollar franchise fee, the operator/owners are unwilling to be placed into a second division, MLS is working out a compromise, whereby the last place team in the stronger conference will be sent to the weaker conference and the top team in the weaker conference will be sent to the stronger conference. The strength of the conferences will be determined by the all-star balloting - the conference which sends more players to the All-Star game will judged the stronger.

Single Table

You might think with the above organization that MLS will forever neglect the single table, however, this is not the case. In all league announcements, the teams will be ranked in a single table. This ranking will have no bearing on the playoff set up, which will be done by conference. Thus it will be possible for the #5 ranked team to be the top seed in their conference.

End to the Eastern and Western Conferences

MLS has started to evaluate the need to change the format from East vs. West to North vs. South. According to team location evaluators Harvey Mason and George Dixon, there will be a line drawn somewhere across the US to divide things into North and South.

International Calendar

With the division of North and South, MLS will play a split schedule that aligns with the European schedule. All of the Southern Conference teams will host matches from October through March and the Northern Conference will host August/September and April/May. MLS Cup will become a fixture on Memorial Day Sunday at 8pm Eastern Daylight Time.

Supporters Shield

The league is debating providing more importance to the Supporters Shield winner. One proposal is that the winner will be allowed to have a roster depth and salary cap equivalent to the LA Galaxy for the season after winning.

Name Change

Major League Soccer is seriously considering changing their name to the La Premier Bundesliga.

Latest: Findley Accepts Mantle

In a secret ceremony deep within the bowels of the US Soccer Federation headquarters, Sunil Gulati oversaw the transfer of the sacred mantle once held by Real Salt Lake head coach Jason Kreis. Kreis is proud that Robbie Findley is taking it from Taylor Twellman. In a rumored interview after the ceremony, Kreis had this to say:

”It is not easy to score a lot of goals in the league and still find yourself without goals at the National Team. Sometimes those guys set you up with a clear look and you have to somehow shank it. It is a real honor that Findley can take over this role from Twellman.”