31 July 2010

Rumor: Wayne Rooney Upset By Red Bull Snub

The summer seems to be getting worse for English forward Wayne Rooney. After his disappointing showing at the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa (Sponsored by Diamond Jack Travels, who reminds you that without the money from tours booked from the US, he cannot call the referees before matches to wish them fair play!), Wayne Rooney has suffered another fall from grace - he has yet to be mentioned in the transfer swirl surrounding Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey.

"Every player worth his salt has been linked with a move to north Jersey, so I guess that means Rooney is a has-been."

Fans of the untriumphant club in northern New Jersey are quick to point out that although they would not turn down an offer of Wayne Rooney, he really would be second or third choice. Afterall, they are a super club and need someone that will not take the spotlight from Seth Stammler.

30 July 2010

Latest: New Conference Arrangement for 2011

According to the latest rumors surrounding the back alleys and train platforms of Grand Central Station, the MLS will be announcing two new conference divisions for next season. They are quite simply: Salary Cap Applicable Conference versus Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference.

The Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference will consist of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey, Los Angeles Galaxy, and Seattle Sounders FC. Everyone else will be in the Salary Cap Applicable Conference. Seeding for the playoffs will consist of three teams from the Salary Cap Not Applicable conference and five teams from the Salary Cap Applicable Conference.

Breaking: SAF Endorses Curt Onalfo

With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:

“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”

In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.