31 July 2009

Breaking: Adidas Goes Retro for World Cup

Despite the commentary from the Arsenal Supporters, Adidas really liked this kit.

MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered at an undisclosed bar inside the District of Columbia's U Street neighborhood the upcoming catalogue of Adidas designs for the World Cup. Each World Cup, Adidas and Nike and Puma set out to take the world by storm with their controversial, different, and unique designs for all their teams. They want each team to look completely unique within the overall paradigm of the functional design for the brand. At least according to the introduction in the catalogue.

The key is that the Adidas catalogue is full of designs based off the above Arsenal FC away kit from the early nineties. The promotional message in the catalogue states that "Adidas wants to get back to an earlier time in football, when a win was worth two points and the English league wasn't dominated by Manchester United. It was a time of innocence and purity of the game."

We would release all the designs but fear getting sued.

BREAKING: TFC Fans To Protest Protesting

TFC Supporters Discuss Upcoming Protest Of Protests

TORONTO, 31 July, 2009: A group of disgruntled Toronto FC supporters are organizing a protest of protesting by their fellow TFC Supporters. In a recent exclusive interview with MLS Rumors², Droz, a spokesperson for the group explained:
I don't have a lot of time to say this, but I gotta get something off my chest.

Last Tuesday, we played a CONCACAF Champions League match, and I thought that we all finally got along. We had a good time. But we got so many protests, we broke so many rules...that we got beer sales cut off. You know, it used to be the FO's job to make rules. It used to be us against them. Now it's us against us. I've been here four years and I gotta tell you guys...what's going on here is about Canada.

It's about democracy. It's about having pictures of ducks and the Queen on our money, the T-Hip, Kraft dinner, and Tim Horton's. It's about exporting sketch comedy to the U.S. It's about poutain, lager that's only slightly less pathetic than the stuff from the States, Great Big Sea, and Anne of Green Gables. It's about the Maple Leafs never winning the Stanley Cup, great strip clubs, and kind bud. It's about road signs in French out in British Columbia, and no English on signs anywhere in Quebec. It's about the Metric System! It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!

We can do something about this. We can finally say...that when some people are having a good time...and drinking some beers, throwing some streamers...that we're not gonna protest.

In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I'm sorry. If we could just say that, if only to each other...just this one time...that we're not gonna protest.

That we're not gonna protest?

We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest!

30 July 2009

Beckham to host handshaking

After all the controversy regarding David Beckham and the LA Galaxy, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that the superstar, internationally renowned, and argueably the best player to ever put on a soccer shirt will be trying to put all that behind him. Our sources close to the situation (including Beckham's back up to his stand in sideburn stylist) indicate that THE David Beckham wants to host a "Shake my Hand and Feel the Greatness Day".

Mr. Posh Beckham regrets that his ability to shake hands with the Riot Squad members at the stadium has not gone according to plan. He feels slighted that they refused to come out of the stands and shake his hand during the friendly match against AC Milan.
According to some, Beckham had this to say, "I just wanted to shake some hands to say goodbye before I snuck onto the AC Milan bus. However, I don't understand why those guys wouldn't come out of the stands. They must not be real men because I have no problem walking from the pitch to the stands and back, but they claim they are not allowed. Well, Beckham don't play that way!"

The event is likely to take place at the Malibu Beach Club, although date and time have yet to be determined. Additionally, attendees will need to bring their Malibu Beach Club ID cards, or can buy a temporary one-day membership for $100,000.

29 July 2009

RUMOR: DC To Play 11 More League Games, Open Cup Final

WASHINGTON, DC, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has learned via multiple sources that, in addition to their upcoming meaningless friendly Match Of The Century against ReAL Real Madrid, DC United may also play as many as eleven more league fixtures between August 1st and October 24. Opponents have not yet been announced, but are believed to include league leading Houston Dynamo, the Los Angeles Galaxy Feat. David Beckham, and defending champions Columbus Crew. In a major blow to United's title hopes, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey Brought To You By Red Bull are not believed to be on the list.

Additionally, one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that United will play in the final of something called the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup, possibly in early September, and probably against a USL side, since, according to our source, "United only ever plays USL teams in the Open Cup."

RUMOR: Seattle, Toronto to Form Breakaway League

Goodbye MLS, Hello PMS?

SEATTLE, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has received word from a local bartender/part-time hairdresser that Seattle Sounders FC and Toronto FC are on the verge of breaking away from MLS to start a new "Premier Major Soccer" league. According to our source:
I was serving appletinis and pints of Poseur's Pale Ale to a bunch of guys from the Sounders front office, and they started bragging about this new league their gonna form. This one guy was all, "The rest of the league is just a f'ing joke, man. They're really dragging our whole organization down. As soon as TFC commits to expanding their stadium, we're gonna split off from the MLS and form the PMS. Maybe we'll add Philly, Portland, and Vancouver as expansion teams in a year or two. The PMS will be massive. We don't want the MLS to ride the coattails of our success." I asked him if Seattle would still participate in the U.S. Open Cup, and he was like, "Only if the USSF will send us a formal letter of apology for letting DC United host the final this year, and then commit to letting us host every round of all future tournaments. It's only fair."

28 July 2009

Warner: No Corruption In USSF

Port-Of-Spain, Trinidad: CONCACAF Chairman "Diamond" Jack Warner today vehemently denied reports of possible corruption within the USSF. "I can assure you, there is absolutely no corruption in the USSF. They are run as legally and as efficiently as my travel agency, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours. Diamond Jack's: when you just can't get tickets any other way! They are a bunch of racists, though."

We're Back, Bitches!

Miss us much? You know you did. We know you did. The people at home know you did. Well, you're in luck, because even though we wish we could quit you, we can't. We're off the wagon and back on the Crazy Train. Aww yeah, we've got $240 worth of pudding, and when we're done whispering sweet nothings to it, we're gonna get back to posting.

If anyone is still there: You're on notice.