Seattle Leads The Way!

Look out, MLS old guard, there's a sassy new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Seattle Sounders. Yes, that's right, the league's newest addition is taking the nation (and our Canadian cousins) by storm, and all around the league, supporters of old, decrepit, moribund teams are giving thanks to their saviors.

Scott MacLeFleur, a member of Toronto FC's North End Elite, was effusive: "Gosh, I mean, when we came into the league, we thought we were God's gift, that we were going to single-handedly save those hosers from themselves, eh? Turns out, though, we were just a bunch of f*ckin' amateurs compared to Seattle. I mean, a marching band? Wow. And I hear their fake turf is even better than ours...and that really hits home for us. I just thank God they deigned it upon themselves to join MLS and save us, when they could've just stayed in USL-1 forever, with the massive crowds they were drawing."

Whitey McWhite, a member of shadowy Columbus supporters group the Kolumbus Krew Kidz, told MLS Rumors Rumors: "I'm just glad we won the double last year, because I get the feeling we're never going to win anything ever again. God bless those Sounders, every one!"

Thaddeus Jarvis, the Colorado Rapids supporter, told us: "Oh man, thank God for the Sounders! Now maybe the Rapids FO will stop ordering security to kick me out of every home game!"

And finally, Piotr Kowalski of Chicago's Section 8, gushed, "Wow, I mean, Seattle is such a great sports town, they really should look into getting an NBA franchise, too. Just think what they could do for basketball if they could land a charismatic young scorer like, say, Kevin Durant! My god, they'd be sold out forever!"

Agoos Trades Hall Of Fame Induction For Oduro

ONEONTA, NY, 3 August 2009: One day after his induction into the U.S. Soccer Hall Of Fame, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey, Presented By Red Bull Sporting Director Jeff Agoos traded his Hall of Fame rights for Houston Dynamo striker Dominic Oduro. "I really feel like this is in the best interest of the club," said Agoos. "Dominic is a proven scorer, and someone I feel can really help this club win a third game this season."

Jeff Agoos has made more laughable trades than any other GM in MLS history.

MLS Rumors² has learned that Houston intends to trade the Hall of Fame rights to Toronto FC in exchange for Steve Cronin and Dwayne De Rosario. When asked if Mo Johnston realized that the Hall of Fame slot was only valid in the United States, our source, a Houston-area barrista, said, "You know, I don't think he knows that."

BREAKING: TFC Fans To Protest Protesting

TFC Supporters Discuss Upcoming Protest Of Protests

TORONTO, 31 July, 2009: A group of disgruntled Toronto FC supporters are organizing a protest of protesting by their fellow TFC Supporters. In a recent exclusive interview with MLS Rumors², Droz, a spokesperson for the group explained:

I don't have a lot of time to say this, but I gotta get something off my chest.

Last Tuesday, we played a CONCACAF Champions League match, and I thought that we all finally got along. We had a good time. But we got so many protests, we broke so many rules...that we got beer sales cut off. You know, it used to be the FO's job to make rules. It used to be us against them. Now it's us against us. I've been here four years and I gotta tell you guys...what's going on here is about Canada.

It's about democracy. It's about having pictures of ducks and the Queen on our money, the T-Hip, Kraft dinner, and Tim Horton's. It's about exporting sketch comedy to the U.S. It's about poutain, lager that's only slightly less pathetic than the stuff from the States, Great Big Sea, and Anne of Green Gables. It's about the Maple Leafs never winning the Stanley Cup, great strip clubs, and kind bud. It's about road signs in French out in British Columbia, and no English on signs anywhere in Quebec. It's about the Metric System! It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!

We can do something about this. We can finally say...that when some people are having a good time...and drinking some beers, throwing some streamers...that we're not gonna protest.

In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I'm sorry. If we could just say that, if only to each other...just this one time...that we're not gonna protest.

That we're not gonna protest?

We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest!

RUMOR: Seattle, Toronto to Form Breakaway League

Goodbye MLS, Hello PMS?

SEATTLE, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has received word from a local bartender/part-time hairdresser that Seattle Sounders FC and Toronto FC are on the verge of breaking away from MLS to start a new "Premier Major Soccer" league. According to our source:

I was serving appletinis and pints of Poseur's Pale Ale to a bunch of guys from the Sounders front office, and they started bragging about this new league their gonna form. This one guy was all, "The rest of the league is just a f'ing joke, man. They're really dragging our whole organization down. As soon as TFC commits to expanding their stadium, we're gonna split off from the MLS and form the PMS. Maybe we'll add Philly, Portland, and Vancouver as expansion teams in a year or two. The PMS will be massive. We don't want the MLS to ride the coattails of our success." I asked him if Seattle would still participate in the U.S. Open Cup, and he was like, "Only if the USSF will send us a formal letter of apology for letting DC United host the final this year, and then commit to letting us host every round of all future tournaments. It's only fair."

Federal Government to take over FC Dallas: "Not a bailout" says official

From MLS Rumors² contributor BigKris comes this late-breaking report:

WASHINGTON, DC, 8 September, 2008:
Calling one of MLS's flagship franchises "Dangerously short of talent" the Office of Federal Sports Enterprise Oversight (OFSEO) Announced Sunday that it is putting FC Dallas under federal receivership, essentially a government takeover of the team.

In a conference call late Sunday afternoon, timed to precede the opening of Asian betting markets, Michael Brown, head of OFSEO, defended the action as a necessary step, "to reassure those who are emotionally invested in this team, as well as to prevent the contagion of suckitude from spreading further and threatening other, more stable teams". FC Dallas' Head coach, allegedly named "Schellas Hyndman," will be fired as a part of the federal takeover. Brown was also quick to deflect potential criticism that this amounted to a government bailout of the failing franchise: "This is in no way is this a bailout. Those who are complicit in creating this mess will be held accountable. Davino, I'm looking at you."

Concerns about whether Dallas had sufficient talent to see the season through had been rampant for months as the team traded or sold its most creative players in the summer transfer window. Confidence reached new lows on Thursday on reports that Dallas had lost a match at home to Colorado -- an allegation made even more incredible by the assertion, according to the report, that Mike "Wanker" Petke scored the game-winning goal. As this story goes to press, MLSRumors² has not yet been able to find anyone who actually saw this game in order to corroborate these reports.

This may not be the end of government intervention in the league; OFSEO officials confirmed that they have been in contact with their sister agency in Canada, the Sport Oversight Ministry, about a potential nationalization of Toronto FC. "They're still weighing their options," said an OFSEO source. "They may be able to muddle through until hockey season starts, at which point no one will care about TFC anymore."

INCOMING: Ruiz, T.O. to Toronto

Rating: None of your damn business. What? What?

In an attempt to consolidate all of MLS' bad boys on one SuperClub, TFC today announced the signing of both Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruiz and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "T.O." Owens. Owens will fill TFC's designated player slot.

T.O.: TO Bound?

"It's just a natural fit," said Toronto Manager "Trader" Mo Johnston. "We cannae set a record for red cards without brining in some new blood. Puttin' these lads together wi' Amado [Guevara], it's a guarantee someone'll go aggro at least once a match. I'm talkin' absolutely fookin' radge, man."

When asked why on earth he would be interested in setting such a record, Johnston spat, then proclaimed, "That wee git Nicol said I couldnae do it, and I've a mind tae prove him wrong."

Owens held a press conference in his driveway, where he did numerous sit-ups while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, explained that this move was all part of a plan to "expand the T.O. brand."

PENDING: Guevara to receive red card

RATING: 5 (it'll happen...trust us)

MLS Rumors² has received word that, at some point during the remaining portion of the 2008 MLS season, volatile TFC midfielder Amado "¿Qué estás buscando?" Guevara will lose his temper and be awarded a red card for his troubles. Take this one to the bank, folks - it's a done deal.

Guevara: a red card is on the way, you can see it in his eyes

MOVING: Buffalo Bills to BMO Field

Rating: 1.0527 (current exchange rate)
MLS Rumors² has learned that the Buffalo Bills are considering a move to Toronto's BMO Field - a development that would certainly put more strain on relations between BMO Field and its current tenant, Toronto FC.

A source close to the negotiations, who requested anonymity, sent us the following:

The move makes sense for the Bills. Buffalo has some decent food, but that's about it. Just about the only businesses left are the ones in the mall, and 90% of their customers are Canadians. Plus, the Looney is so strong right now, we only need to add 10,000 seats to make more money than we can in Buffalo.

Of course, they'll have to change the team name. Right now, they're planning to change it to "Toronto Bills FC"...of course, this means that TFC will have to change their name to "Toronto Soccer Club," to avoid confusion, you understand, but the lawyers already have that particular detail worked out.

Plus, they absolutely love the rock-hard turf. It's even harder than the green concrete they play on at Orchard Park. Rest assured, the Bills organization will do whatever it takes to ensure that the turf stays as hard as possible. They're even planning to bring in their groundskeeper from Rich Stadium, William "Concrete Willie" MacMoran to make sure the turf is, as Willie likes to say, "as hard and cold as a Scotsman's Skean dhu."

Bills Head Groundskeeper "Concrete Willie" MacMoran

Among the many improvements the Bills plan to add to BMO Field:

* a bigger jumbotron and louder P.A. system
* tighter, more "family-friendly" security
* U.S. anthem to be played before every event at BMO
* First choice of all dates for use of stadium
* 4 TFC games per season to be played at Ralph Wilson stadium in Orchard Park, New York, to allow the Bills to host events such as the X Games
* South End stands to be replaced with "Fan Zone" - "The fan-friendliest fan zone in the history of fan zones!" according to our source.
* All Carlsberg and other beer to be replaced with Coors Light, "SAB Molson Coors' finest product, really, and a symbol of the greatness that can be achieved when Canadian and American corporations work together as a team."

When asked to comment on what effects such a move would have on the CFL Argonauts, our source replied, "I'm sorry, who?"

RSL to Move Rice-Eccles Turf to New Stadium

Rating: 3 (Three shall be the number thou shalt rate, and the number of the rating shall be three. Four shalt thou not rate, neither rate thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.)

Looks like Real Salt Lake doesn't want to risk losing their mojo. MLS Rumors Rumors has received word that the surprise Western Conference leaders are planning to move the rock-hard fake turf from Rice-Eccles stadium to their new home when it opens this fall.

"Basically, it's all we've got going for us...our opponents are so afraid of losing key players to injury that they run out glorified reserve lineups whenever they play here. Plus that stuff is so hard, even Jersey and Toronto can't figure out the bounces," said our anonymous source. "We were all set to lay down some a really nice blend of Kentucky bluegrass and Bermuda grass, but when Coach Kreis heard about that, he flipped his lid. He said something like, 'What, are you idiots going to MLS Ref school now or something? Are you that freakin' blind? Are you?! You stupid sons of refs! OHMYGOD! OHMYGOD! I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its referees! ' So after I escaped from his office, I thought to myself, 'Sweet creamery butter! We'll move the turf! Football lines and everything!'"

(Pictured: The Turf in its present-day location)

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. II {{updated}}

Ivan Gazidis: This is really beautiful.
Mo: Well, look at this. It used to decorate the palace of a king.
Gazidis: Oh, yeah; very nice.
Mo: Why didnae you say you worked for Garber, Gazidis? I thought ye were just some cheap two-bit hustler Brian was running in tryin’ tae bluff me.
Gazidis: I don't like to use his name unless it's really necessary.
Mo: How's yer whisky, Ivan?
Gazidis: Fine.
Mo: Hey, come on over here wi’ me; I wanna show ye something really beautiful. Ye do appreciate beauty, don't ye?
[pause]
There ye are, $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Roossian Czar never paid that kindae dough for a single horse. Souness. Souness. I'm nay gonna race him, though. I'm gonnae put him out to stud.
Gazidis: He's beautiful.
Mo: [to stablehand] Thankee, Tony.
Tony Meola: You're welcome...
Mo: [to Gazidis] Let's get something to eat, eh?
[break in tape]
Gazidis: Mr. Garber is Brian’s godfather. To the league office, that's a very religious, sacred, close relationship.
Mo: I respect that; just tell him he should ask me anything else. But this is one favor I canna give him.
Gazidis: He doesn't ask a second favor once he's been refused the first, understood?
Mo: You donnae understand. Brian McBride n’er plays for the Fire. That team is perfect for him, it'll make him a big star, and I'm gonnae run him out of the business - and let me tell you why: Brian McBride ruined one of TFC's most valuable sales reps. For two years we had her under contract - singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonnae make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-c***, and that it's nay all pounds and shillings: She was beautiful; she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had it all over the world. And then Brian McBride comes along with his chiseled chin and midwestern manners, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position cannae afford to be made to look ridiculous! No, you get the hell out of here. And ye tell that goomba that if he wants to try any rough stuff that I ain't no Nick Sakiewicz. Aye, I heard that story…
Gazidis: Thank you for the dinner and a very pleasant evening. If your car could take me to the airport; Mr. Garber is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

[break in tape]

Mo: [screaming] AAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAAAHHH! SOUNESSSSSS! SOUNESSSSSS! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

{{UPDATE}}

Looks like Ivan's trip to visit Mo paid off.

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. I

MLS Rumors Rumors has received an exclusive insider's account of the real story behind Brian McBride's pending move to Chicago. Our source secretly recorded some of the key meetings at MLS HQ, and has provided us with the transcripts:

Meeting 1:
McBride: I don't know what to do. My kneecap is -- is weak. It's weak. Anyway, uh, if I was playing for the Fire, ya'know, it puts me right back up on top again. But this, uh -- this man out there, he won't trade my allocation rights; the GM of TFC.

The Don:
What's his name?

McBride: Johnston. Johnston. He won't give it to me -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance. A couple months ago he picked up my allocation rights. I'm a returning national team player -- and Chicago, it's where I'm from. I uh -- I wouldn't even have to try -- just stand there while Blanco bounces balls off my head. Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

The Don: [SLAP!] YOU CAN ACT LIKE A *MAN*! What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out? A British finocchio that ah cries like a woman? What can I do?! What can I do?! What is that nonsense? Ridiculous.

[pause]

The Don: You want to spend time with your family in Chicago?

McBride: Sure I do.

The Don: Good. Because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.

[pause]

The Don: Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while. And in a month from now, this -- Scottish bigshot's gonna give you what you want.

McBride: It's too late. The season's already more than half over.

The Don: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and ah, forget about all this nonsense. I want you to leave it all to me.

NEXT: The Don's offer!