20 August 2008

INCOMING: Ruiz, T.O. to Toronto

Rating: None of your damn business. What? What?

In an attempt to consolidate all of MLS' bad boys on one SuperClub, TFC today announced the signing of both Carlos "El Pescadito" Ruiz and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "T.O." Owens. Owens will fill TFC's designated player slot.

T.O.: TO Bound?

"It's just a natural fit," said Toronto Manager "Trader" Mo Johnston. "We cannae set a record for red cards without brining in some new blood. Puttin' these lads together wi' Amado [Guevara], it's a guarantee someone'll go aggro at least once a match. I'm talkin' absolutely fookin' radge, man."

When asked why on earth he would be interested in setting such a record, Johnston spat, then proclaimed, "That wee git Nicol said I couldnae do it, and I've a mind tae prove him wrong."

Owens held a press conference in his driveway, where he did numerous sit-ups while his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, explained that this move was all part of a plan to "expand the T.O. brand."

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