SuperFan Theater, Episode 1

Behold, an MLS Rumors Rumors exclusive! It's the series premier of SuperFan Theater! That's right, whenever we get around to it, we'll be bringing you new episodes of SuperFan Theater, wherein SuperFans of various MLS teams engage in smack talk for the amusement of YOU, the MLS Rumors Rumors reader!

So without further ado, here's Episode 1, featuring LA Galaxy SuperFan Tawper*, and his bestest buddy, Seattle Steve!



*Tawper is in no way related to actual LA Galaxy fan Topper...Tawper may only be a cartoon character, but he's way, way taller.

Rumor: Kinnear Looking at DC Castoffs

After DC United boss Kevin Payne suggested that players not living up to DC United standards can look elsewhere, Houston coach Dominic Kinnear is licking his chops (well Wade Barrett's chops) in anticipation. MLS Rumors Rumors has it on good authority of a certain person that has been to Texas (and not just the Alamo either!), that Kinnear is keen on several DC United players.

"Last time they were tired of a player, we shipped them some of our dead weight and got Bobby Boswell. Once we nipped that bobbyboswell.com crap in the bud, he became a useful player. I can think of any number of guys up there in DC that would welcome a club with a good atmosphere, tradition of winning, excellent coaching, and an actual stadium that doesn't have rats, cats, and racoons."

Kevin Payne's response was straight forward:

"They can talk to them if they would like to get sued. But I don't think it will come to that because Dominic Kinnear is a gentleman. We have no intention to have any of our players come to Houston for a trial. They are under contract and if anybody tries to talk to them, we are prepared to file a lawsuit. This is DC. It's American contract law that applies here. Local law prevails. We have not been contacted. I am quite confident that if Houston wanted to talk to us about our players, Dominic would call me. They are all very, very special."

EXCLUSIVE: KP and Kasper discuss transfer targets!

WASHINGTON, DC: Our source, who we must again stress is not necessarily a raccoon, has provided us with another gem - exclusive footage of Kevin Jong-il and Dave Kasper discussing DC United's targets for the current transfer window! Enjoy!

EXCLUSIVE: Footage of 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and Nowak!

WASHINGTON, DC: A well-placed source, who may or may not be a raccoon who regularly scavenges through the RFK dumpsters, recently provided us with security camera footage from a 2004 meeting between Kevin Jong-il and United's head coach at the time, Piotr Nowak. Though the footage is grainy, and the sound a bit off, the two can clearly be heard to discuss Freddy Adu's lack of playing time. Enjoy this exclusive, folks!

Profile: Kevin Jong-il

Kevin Jong-il (undated image, released by MLSRumors² in August 2008) Sunglasses and business casual are Kevin Jong-il's trademark

The little that is known about Kevin Jong-il, D.C. United's leader, conjures up a caricature of a diminutive playboy, a comic picture at odds with his brutal regime.

Former coaches and players talk of a vain, paranoid, cognac-guzzling hypochondriac.

He is said to wear platform shoes to appear taller than his 1.57m (5ft 3in).

But analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman.

Mr Kevin may well encourage the myth-making surrounding him precisely in order to keep the soccer world guessing. D.C. United has little to bargain with, and ignorance breeds fear.

Film buff

The analysis of him as a mercurial fantasist is certainly beguiling.

"I know I'm an object of criticism in the world but if I am being talked about, I must be doing the right things"
Kevin Jong-il

He is said to have a library of 20,000 Hollywood movies and to have even written a book on the cinema. He even went so far as to engineer the kidnapping, in 1998, of a MLS Soccer promo commercial director and his girlfriend.

This taste for the exotic apparently extends to gastronomy.

Galin Ivanov, a Bulgarian emissary who traveled with Mr Kevin by train across Russia, reported that the D.C. United leader had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks.

The two men shared champagne with a bevy of female companions of "utmost beauty and intelligence", according to Mr Ivanov.

Mr Kevin also has a reputation as a drinker.

He was seen draining 10 glasses of wine during his 2000 summit with NY/NJ Metrostars President Charlie Stillitano and is known to have a taste for Hennessy VSOP cognac.

Strategist

But such an unlikely reputation masks Mr Kevin's dangerous past.

Nor should it be assumed that eccentricity means inability. Mr Kevin is said to follow assiduously international events on the internet and some see him as a clever manipulator, willing to take great risks to underpin his regime - such as his apparent decision to test a rookie coach.

USSF Chief Sunil Gulati, who has met Mr Kevin, said that the D.C. United leader was very well informed and "not delusional".

"I found him very much on top of his brief," he added, although he noted that some of the comments he made about his plans for D.C. United sounded illogical.

Birth 'blessed'

The cult surrounding Kevin Jong-il extends even to his birth. He was born in Siberia in 1941 when his father, Kevin Il-sung, was in exile in the former Soviet Union.

But according to official D.C. United accounts, he was born in a log cabin at his father's guerrilla base on the Washington Redskins former Ashburn training facility, in February 1942.

The event was reportedly marked by a double rainbow and a bright star in the sky.

But he did not hold any positions of real power until 1995, when he took control of the nascent MLS Club - despite his lack of soccer experience.

Analysts believe he was given the position to counter potential resistance to his eventual megalomania.

Typically, he has kept his choice of successor close to his chest, if indeed he has made a decision.

Speculation has often focused on his eldest puppy, but one MLSRumors² report suggested that he had named his third goldfish.

Rumor: Coffee Talk Too Much for Ljungberg

What caused Freddie Ljungberg to turn sour on Seattle? Was it the weather? After years in England and Sweden, he has to be used to steady gray rainy days for months on end. Was it the quality of play? We all know that Seattle invented the game and under Sigi Schmidt have tried to play a quick game that works with their artificial turf field. Was it the fear of Sigi's belly? While rumors have persisted that Sigi eats players that bother him, there were no indications that the Swede would have ended up on the menu. Was it the artificial turf? Freddie is an aging star and has to look out for his legs after injuries hampered his work in the English Premier League, the turf cannot have felt great on those shattered ankles.

The TRUTH: it was none of the above!

MLS Rumors Rumors spoke with a local barrista with connections to a Seattle barrista, who often serves the Sounders FC players. According to our source, Freddie Ljungberg tired of the coffee talk.

"He hated coming into the shop. He came because Sigi would sit on him if he didn't. All he wanted to do was talk about modeling and underwear but the rest of the guys wanted nothing to do with that. They all wanted to discuss coffee. They would spend hours discussing roasting techniques, brewing tips, varieties of beans, and different methods of frothing. I heard that he even did that landing strip mohawk just to have them talk about something else. It worked for all of five minutes."