24 April 2010

Latest: DC United Staff to Run for Office

After getting rebuffed at every turn by the DC council and mayor, DC United has decided to take a new tack to get their stadium built in the District. They are running for office!

We are being informed that several DC staff members, including Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, Stephen Zack, and others will be launching bids to become the next mayor and DC council. Each staffer has moved into the District and now live in the various wards across the city. Coordinating the entire process will be future mayor Kevin Payne.

“Lobbying and negotiating with politicians is for suckers! Those backstabbing, money-grubbing, popularity seeking pols just want to use us. We are going to take our efforts to the next level. When I am mayor and my staff are the DC Council, you’ll see how fast we get our stadium done. You’ll see DC United raised to the proper level in the District. It will be Power to the People and a New Era of Enlightenment will be upon us. Our sport has been banned by Kings and Mayors because they fear the freedom and liberty we embody on the field and in the stands. DC United to elected DC United!”

23 April 2010

Transfers: Post World Cup Invasion!

After the World Cup, expect a flood of talent to come to the United States and inundate the MLS with new and established stars. Why? Well, with the next World Cup four years away, a lot of players are looking for a couple of years of strong earnings and easy play. Afterall, David Beckham’s contract allowed him to get percentages on jersey sales and other image rights. Most of the top players in the world have an entourage as savvy as the Englishman and are looking to exploit the post-World Cup down time to rake in the bucks.

Here are a few players that we believe could be making the trip across the Pond. Surprising? Yes, but we’ve envisioned reasonable reasons for them to be the next big signing in MLS:

Messi: After winning the World Cup with Argentina, he wants to prove that he is even a bigger star than Pele. By coming to MLS and generating more buzz than Pele’s arrival at the Cosmos, Messi will secure his place among the greats, if not the greatest footballer of all time.

Christian Ronaldo: He’s followed David Beckham wherever he has gone. Why not the US?

Cesc Fabregas: Seeking to escape from the yearly tabloid tug of war between Arsenal and Barcelona, the midfielder would like to try his hand out in MLS. He is also more likely to come across the Pond if Messi comes here, in order to prove that he [Cesc] is in fact the best Barcelona prospect ever.

Michael Essien: Face it, England is cold, very cold. Essien’s from Africa, which is not cold. He knows that we play in the heat and he wants some of that. Not only that but how could he resist the lure of the country that brought the world Freddy Adu?

Please add your thoughts…

22 April 2010

Breaking: Portsmouth FC To the US

As everyone knows Portsmouth FC has a bit of financial trouble. What has become clear to us here at MLS Rumors Rumors is that Portsmouth is trying to get out from their debt crisis and bad decision making with a move across the Pond. What? Portsmouth FC moving to the US? In a word, yes.

According to a good authority, the club is hopeful that their move to the United States will allow them to be eligible for TARP funding because Portsmouth FC is "too big to fail". Portsmouth FC owe over £92 million to various unsecured creditors, which makes them a drop in the bucket for a financial bailout by the US Treasury.

Our sources believe that a Treasury official would say, "We all appreciate the trouble that comes from appearing to reward bad behaviour. We all know that we cannot just throw money at these people, who are in debt up over their heads. But! But, if we allow Portsmouth FC to fail, where will that leave MLS? Portsmouth FC cannot be allowed to fail for fear of causing all the unsecured debts held by MLS to become a cascade of payment calls that brings the entire system crashing down. We cannot look at our grandchildren in the face and tell them that we were responsible for the fifth most popular sport in the US to go the way of NASL."

Investigation: Chivas USA Plans Deception

Chivas USA’s start to the season has been less than exemplary. According to Internet stories, the team is looking to rebound and get onto a winning track. However, in conversations with sources that have been in the LA area, Chivas USA has something nefarious planned to improve their league position. Chivas USA plans on replacing their players with those from Chivas Guadalajara in upcoming matches!

Already, several of the players have been working on looking more like their doppelgangers from Mexico, including Sacha Kljestan, who has reportedly started an intensive tanning program. Additionally, the team has tapped special effects and make up experts from nearby Hollywood to complete the effect.

According to one source, the team will “go the extra mile. We’ve all seen how in Hollywood films guys can look like exact duplicates with some clever use of rubber face masks and facial reconstruction. We have also not ruled out a full facial transplantation a la Face Off.”

What is not known is if those players taking part in this sinister infiltration would be eligible for the World Cup squads of either the US or Mexico. For example if Doppelganger Kljestan suddenly gets hot and scores a couple goals and sets up a bunch of goals, would Bob Bradley be able to tap him for the US. Also, no word is available as to if the entire Chivas USA team will spend their time hiding out in Guam or Fiji or just disappear into the Los Angeles Underground to fight for justice when no one else can help and they can be found.

MLS Loses 2000 – 2003 Records for DC United

As part of the shambolic re-design of the MLS website, MLS executives have discovered that all records concerning DC United have been lost from the 2000 through the 2003 seasons. According to our sources close to sources that know of places in New York, where the MLS executives might have had a drink or two, MLS approached DC United about the missing records but failed to secure them because no one at DC United or amongst the fans can remember the missing seasons.

Could this be a picture from the mythical 2003 Season?

"Look, I’d like to be able to remember those times. I know that we had a couple coaches and picked up some players and I can only assume that we played a few matches, but really, I have no recall of that time.” Stated one fan on condition of anonymity, citing the burden this amnesia has placed upon his friends and family.

MLS has resolved to piece together the past using records kept by other teams. They are also considering counseling for DC United staff and fans to see if they just have a mental block in trying to remember those seasons.

21 April 2010

Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Suspected of Demon Worship

If you have ever been to the Red Bulls Park in Red Bulls Harrison, Red Bulls New Jersey, then you may have been affected. Fortunately aside from the opening day crowd that was kidnapped and bussed to the stadium, most people in northern New Jersey and all of New York remain safe. According to a rumored satellite photo, it is clear that a giant pentagram and thaumaturgic triangle are carved into the field at the newly opened grounds. This can only mean that Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey have engaged in demon worship and summoning. Our sources believe this explains their unexpected form and success in this new MLS season.

Artists rendition of the rumored demon raising in North Jersey - note that the RBNYRDoHNJ even got a pony in the blood sealed bargain.

MLS Rumorsrumors has been trying to investigate the rumors of rumors of virgin sacrifices and other rites for some significant time. According to Internet data, the team regularly meets in order to pay homage to their blood thirsty lords of the underworld. In exchange for providing human sacrifices and other gifts (apparently demons really like $30 gift cards to certain coffee chains that like to speak in tongues), the demons have promised to help the Red Bulls New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey in their quest for winning something meaningful or at least making the playoffs.

Know that if we fall off the face of the earth, it is because of the massive conspiracy of demon worshiping evil-doers from northern New Jersey and not because we have nothing to write for our site. They are totally at fault.

20 April 2010

DC United Looks Forward to the World Cup

Four matches into the season and four losses on the books, DC United’s front office is apparently looking for the World Cup to distract fans from the abysmal display of football at RFK. According to a local source that may have overheard several front office bigwigs at lunch, DC United believes that the World Cup will be a marketing bonanza for the struggling MLS team. Our source believes one of the executives said:

“Look, we can keep our fans thinking that we will bring in a big World Cup star after the tournament. That will hold them until July, no matter how many losses we rack up. And then post-World Cup if we announce we are making a few fact-finding and scouting missions, Chang will cover our vacations. By the time the fans are the wiser, it will be August and DC United will be pushed off the radar by the Redskins. This could work…”

Attempts to think about calling DC United were unsuccessful and no one at the club was given the opportunity to deny or confirm our suspicions.