10 June 2010

Breaking: Kljestan Interview

As we totally would have informed you first if we had actually posted it instead of forgetting, Sacha Kljestan is off to Belgium. He was unsuspectingly coming out of the hair salon when we totally ambushed him TMZ-Style and asked him some questions:

Q: What are you most looking forward to in Belgium?

A: French fries. I totally heard that they aren't actually from France but from Belgium. I'm so all over that.

Q: Really? Not the girls, the fame, the fact that Onyewu got picked up by AC Milan after playing in Belgium?

A: Dude, I'm like a total French Fry connoisseur. Did you know that there are 463 ways to make French Fries?

Q: No we did not. But really, about the football in Belgium.

A: There are the slow fry, flash fry, quick fry, deep fried, peanut oil fried, canola oil fried...

He went on for another ten minutes before getting into his 2010 Lexus with new car tags and driving off into the Los Angeles smog.

Local Temple of Broseidon to Host WC Parties in Attempt to "Slay Mad Foreign Bitches"

Spartans! Tonight we Ice each other IN HELL!!1!one!!1eleven!

The local brah-halla known by its occupants as "Sparta" and the "Temple of Broseidon" has announced that it will be hosting numerous viewing parties during the upcoming month-long World Cup tournament. The residents of the house, made infamous by a recent roommate-wanted ad on craigslist, told MLS Rumors² that they expected to use the parties as a means of "slaying mad foreign bitches":

I mean, we always just figured soccer was for fags, and not cock diesel bros like us, but then our recent international brotege, Sergio, totally schooled us. He went to see some Italian team play whatever the hell the team here is called, the Uniteds or something, and he, like, totally brought home these two SMOKING hot foreign chicks. We were all, Brah, is there any more soccer coming up? And he was like, my Brosephs, the World Cup is, like, totally about to start. We were all, the Kingdom of Brah is there, bro! Then he said it's in South Africa, so we were all, let's fire up the 60" LED and bring on the foreign chicks! Plus, Sergio totally works at the World Bank, brah, so we're gonna be swimming in foreign tail! It's gonna be Teddy Brosevelt leading the Rough Riders all over again, yo!
Via further inquiries, MLS Rumors² has confirmed that the Temple of Broseidon will be converting its protein shake blenders into "Brah-garita blenders" for the duration of the World Cup.

Rumor: Local Fan to Sit in Basement for Match

After a surprising turn of events involving uncertainty about TV viewing options at an outdoor barbeque party, a local fan returns to his old faithful viewing location for the epic, pivotal, and ultimately life-changing US versus England World Cup match. His basement will provide the venue that will be remembered for this historic match, if in fact something historic happens such as England losing.

In a statement, the local fan said:
“I could do a bar in Baltimore, but there's the crowd factor, the driving home an hour or so after drinking and (probably) losing factor so it's less appealing. I doubt any places in Hanover will do anything special so I'll probably end up in the basement alone, drinking and swearing.”

The local fan rejected such long distance treks as Washington DC, New York, or even Philadelphia (probably due to the influence of the Sons of Ben upon the local soccer scene). He is committed to swearing and drinking throughout the match. At this stage, we believe he may be working out a in-game text message companion.

08 June 2010

Portugal's Nanny out of the World Cup party

In a disappointing development today, it was overheard at local watering hole Paddy McDrunkey's that the young Portuguese nanny who lives with the family over in the next neighborhood had hurt her shoulder trying something "acrobatic" in "training" this week. Slightly awkward moments followed when local US fan-boys scrambled to cancel the invitation to the host family designed to lure the unsuspecting 22 year old caregiver into the "man-cave" of local soccer fanatic Brandon Jordan.

"We were totally bummed man. This is, like, the best time to connect with foreign hotties, and we really weren't interested in seeing her employers and their two little brats" said Jordan, the host of the upcoming festivities.

Popular internet message board service, BigSoccer.com was rife with speculation as to how the injury occurred. Some posters, like DeuceizDAMan84 suggested that perhaps one of the children ran past the young woman and knocked her down the stairs. Others, like 3 year member GoochBigelow suggested more prurient and outrageous possibilities involving grooming implements and slick bathroom tile floors.

When asked, the young Nanny claimed to be practicing her bicycle kicks in the back alley and landing awkwardly on her shoulder. She is says she will miss up to 2 weeks of prime chillaxing time at nerdy American male domiciles. It is her hope that by the time the knock-out stage commences, she will have a better offer from more a mature and comfortably situated man.

When confronted by the crisis, Sunil Gulati tried in vain to calm down the panicky fanatics.
The US Soccer supremo quietly suggested that Jordan and his band of smoothies put in an emergency call to the nanny service to see if any acceptable replacements lived within a 1 hour drive of the party location. Luckily, a trio of possible replacements were located. Unluckily, the three potential fill-ins saw creepy photos of Jordan on Facebook involving a bandanna, a Clint Dempsey bobble-head, a spent road flare, and a shocking lack of appropriate undergarments.
Too bad.