28 December 2009

RUMOR: Chinaglia to Manage RBNY?

Chinaglia with Noted Smokeless Tobacco Enthusiast Shep Messing

TAOS, NM: MLS Rumors Rumors was tripping balls on some peyote buttons yesterday when our Spirit Guide informed us that the bartender at his local has an inside line on the leading candidate to guide the Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey as they move into their grand new building on the banks of the scenic Passaic River. According to notes we scrawled in our authentic replica of Daniel Faraday's notebook, apparently in blood (not ours, thankfully), the coyote told us the following:
It's basically a done deal. RBNYRBOHNJ are returning to their NASL roots and bringing in Giorgio Chinaglia to manage the team. That whole Lazio extortion thing went nowhere, and now Chinaglia is looking for a new challenge. Red Bull's corporate bigwigs back in Austria think he's the perfect fit for the team; they're especially taken with his knowledge of and respect for MLS.

Our Spirit Guide Gives Us The Scoop On RBNYRBOHNJ's Coaching Search (Artist's Depiction)

09 November 2009

Latest: K. Cooper sends apology

Kenny Cooper is having second thoughts about his recent comments to US National Team coach Bob Bradley & Son. According to a source that was recently in Munich, the bartender near Cooper's house claims that the US striker has expressed regret for rubbing his European success in Bradley's face. Being left off the US Roster for the upcoming friendlies in Europe, according to Goff's Blog, the big striker is mystified by the decision making process.

"I'm so much better than Cunningham. Look, he was nothing until I left Dallas and then all of a sudden he becomes something. And Eddie Johnson, when was the last time he scored a goal? I'm guessing he has trouble getting playing time on FIFA 2010."

Tough words for a man that hasn't scored in a league match since August and has found himself on the bench for the last four matches. You can be assured that we here at MLS Rumors² are going to be following this closely and writing all the news that we believe to be remotely true.

07 November 2009

Breaking: DC United's New Coach!

According to sources at a well frequented DC United bar in the U Street area, Kevin Payne, President & CEO of DC United, is close to announcing a new head coach for DC United. After missing the playoffs two seasons in a row, with an aging roster and no clear ideas on how to move forward, the DC United Supremo has decided to make a radical shift in philosophy.
"Look, they've been on us about every decision we've made since the inception of the SE list serve. It is time to give one of them a try!"

According to our sources, Kevin Payne is considering offering the position of head coach to the "Internet Nuts". He has a short list of people that post regularly on Bigsoccer.com, Goffblog, and other sites (apparently, MLS Rumors Rumors was not on the shortlist of sites). We have heard rumors that the lead candidate is a poster called Vasco, who writes in from RIO (whether that is Rio de Janiero in Brazil or an acronym for Remote in Ohio is unknown). Mr. Payne apparently liked the posters acceptance of a one year contract contingent on playoff appearences without even knowing the salary.

We are expecting an announcement sometime in the next week. The Bigsoccer.com meltdown of 2009 will follow immediately.

23 September 2009

Investigation: End of MLS Playoffs?

MLS Rumors² is tracking down news that could fundamentally affect the results of this Major League Soccer season. We have it on some authority that Don Garber and company are considering cancelling the playoffs. According to one anonymous source, Don has said:
Look, we are still on the fence about this playoff thing. We had them early on in the league and then decided to cancel them from 2000 through 2002. In 2003, we brought them back but we are again reassessing the need.

Our crack reporters will stay on top of this developing story.

Breaking News: US to return to Saprissa?

You heard it hear first. Yep, when this gets announced, you can tell all your friends and colleagues and even that pretty girl down the cube farm, that you get all your prime news from MLS Rumors². If it turns out to be false, well, blame our sources...

With Goff's report about US Soccer monitoring the situation in Honduras for the October 10 qualifier, we decided to talk with our sources. Some in the super dangerous Mount Pleasant neighborhood of Washington "Danger Town" DC report that Costa Rica's Saprissa stadium would be a good alternate location. They cited the fact that the US has never won in the Monster's Cave and that Honduras would really like to win this match. Not only that but some think that Costa Rica "owes" Honduras for hosting their deposed President after the military coup this spring.

The question is would the US object to the relocation in favor of a more successful environment like Barbados...

10 September 2009

Breaking: RFK

Via the mighty Bog Man Of Washington:

RFK Is Falling Down, Falling Down, Falling Down
RFK Is Falling Down, Where Is Fenty?

It's enough to make us wax poetical:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: One vast and crumbling concrete bowl
Stands on a river. Near it on the asphalt,
Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,
The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is RFK, Stadium of Stadia:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The muddy Anacostia wends away.

09 September 2009

RESULT :: Lalas & Stone go on pre-match bender

Shocking scenes from the post match wrap were on offer after the United States managed not to fall on their face vs Trinidad & Tobago. Clearly shaking off the effects of the Chocolate Choo-Choo that finished off their 4 martini lunch, Stone & Lalas managed to offer some insight into the big three points captured on the road by the US.

Hair of the dog, ol' boys, hair of the dog.

01 September 2009

Rapidman on the 'Roids?

For years, we have not cared about the Colorado Rapids' mascots. They have had more mascots over the years than fans. So, when rumors came to us of bad things going on amongst the mascots, we chose not to go public. When the rumors became persistent phone calls at 4 am, we finally decided to look into the issues. According to the rumors, Rapidman (as seen in the photo on the left) is a chronic user of steroids. Shocking, I know but look at that musculature and tell me that is natural. It wasn't until we found this picture of Rapidman at age 11, that we took the rumors seriously.

And then there is this youtube video floating around out there of Rapidman's antics and craziness. We think you like us will come to the same conclusion - Rapidman has obviously been using the 'roids and has been "retired" as a result. Sad to see mascots brought so low.

Ok, Jose, we finally published it. STOP CALLING!

Breaking: Namoff speaks about Europe

Bryan Namoff is the solid right back that DC United has needed to rely on this season. When rumors surfaced about European teams having an interest in him, MLS Rumors²' crack squad of reporters hit the rumor-mongering locales of DC to find out the truth. According to sources at a bar frequented by team-members in the U Street area, Namoff would love to play in Europe (afterall, who wouldn't want to make more money for doing the same job and actually having to live in seclusion of a mansion because your adoring fans chase you around town asking for pictures and autographs). However, the confusion about his move to Europe was started over a misplaced comment. According to our source:
The Namoff was talking with us about going to Europe in the off-season. He's had a banner year and thought that his wife might enjoy a trip to Paris, Rome, and the Greek Isles. He made the mistake of telling in the presence of a blogger, that he had some interest in the Greece and suddenly there is a story on the Internet.

So, faithful DC United fans, you can likely expect The Namoff to be back next season, unless totally unrelated to this rumor some European team offers him suitcases full of money to relocate.

26 August 2009

United Matchday: Seven Drunken Cup Matches

In honor of tonight's marquee tilt between DC United and Toluca de Mexico, we reprint the timeless Irish-American drinking song, Seven Drunken Cup Matches:

As I got to RFK on a Monday night,
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Janicki playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Janicki's playing at the back
Where Jakovic should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut!
No, you cannot see,
That's a hairy-chested Bulgarian
That KP signed for me!"

Well, for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But mutton chops on a Bulgarian
I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Tuesday night,
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied N'Silu slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why N'Silu's slotted in up top
Where Pontius should be?"

"Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk
You internet nut,
No you cannot see!
That's a new Brazilian striker
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a Brazilian from Kinshasa
Sure I've never seen before!

Even the RFK Stadium cats have to drink to cope with Cup nights.
As I got to RFK on a Wednesday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Kocic in between the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Kocic is standing 'tween the pipes
Where auld Josh Wicks should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's the brother of Troy Perkins
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But a brother of Troy Perkins
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Thursday night
Drunk as drunk could be
I spied DiRaimondo playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me
Why DiRaimondo's playing on the wing
Where Tino Quaranta should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's an Argentinian winger
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But an Argentinian from St. Louis
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Friday night
Drunk as drunk can be,
I spied Szetela in the midfield
Where Gomito should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why Szetela is in the midfield
Where Gomito should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's a fit young Tico
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But a fit young Tico gasping for breath
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Saturday night
Drunk as drunk could be,
I spied Shipalane playing libero
Where Jaime Moreno should be

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's a guy named Tiyi
Where Jaime Moreno should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's Juan Sebastian Veron
That KP signed for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more,
But la Brujita in a United kit
Sure I've never seen before!

As I got to RFK on a Sunday night
As drunk as drunk could be
I spied Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be.

So I calls Tom Soehn and I says to him,
"Will you kindly tell to me,
Why there's Bud Lite at the beer stand
Where Harp and Guinness should be?"

"Oh you're drunk, you're drunk,
You internet nut,
No, you cannot see!
That's some lovely Murphy's
That KP bought for me!"

Well for many a match I've traveled
A hundred miles or more
But Murphy's the colour of donkey piss
Sure I've never seen before!

25 August 2009

Heart Breaking: Cooper Sends Note

After Cooper scored his second goal for 1860 Munich of the Second Division in Germany, the young US-American striker has done something sure to raise some hackles - he sent Bob Bradley, US National Team coach, a bouquet of flowers with a note reading:
Dear Bob, thanks for your confidence in me. I couldn't have succeeded without all those call ups to the national team. BTW could you resend your phone number, I accidentally hit delete on your contact information. Loves, Kenny

24 August 2009

Confidential: Diamond Jack's E-mail Revealed

From: Diamond Jack
Date: August 13, 2009
Re: Seattle's USOC Bid

Dear Mr. Rumorsrumors,

It has come to our attention that you are the most reliable news outlet discussing the recent controversy regarding the US Open Cup Final venue. We would like to say that we firmly believe the process run by our colleagues at US Soccer is as open, fair, and reliable as any run by CONCACAF, FIFA, and the Trinidad & Tobago FA. We know that they looked at the various options brought in the bids and compared them on the merits. For example, if one club was willing to pony up some assets to assure that the US Soccer decision committee could make their evaluation and decision in a place of relaxation and enjoyment, instead of from the stressful location of their offices, that club should be viewed more favorably than another. If one club understands the demands placed upon individual members of such committees and pro-actively provides those members with appreciation and thanks, that club should recieve the benefit of the doubt. This is the way the world works and no amount of finger pointing and suggestions of impropriety will change that.

We know that the entire US Soccer organization is above reproach and we have thoroughly enjoyed working with them. We look forward to continuing our thankless tasks in football together and will enjoy seeing them at the spa in South Africa, which was provided free-of-charge from one such appreciative FA.

Best Regards,


PS: I regret to tell you that phone service in Trinidad & Tobago is somewhat spotty. We can only assure a good connection through heavy monetary investments, which we fund through our Diamond Jack Footy Tours operation. According to our records, not enough US fans travelling to Mexico for the recent qualifier chose our company and we were unable to pay for our phone services. Diamond Jack likes to put a call in to the referee before the match to assure a fair and unbiased performance, which he was unable to do for this match. We are sorry that the events of the day demonstrated the need for such a phone call. In the future, it would help us all if you could tell your readers to choose Diamond Jack Footy Tours for all their travel needs.

This e-mail is to be embargoed until August 24, 2009. We also request that broadcasters refer to "The" Diamond Jack of Diamond Jack Footy Tours, so as not to confuse people with the other Diamond Jack, who runs a snake farm in Florida.

Next Time, On Rookie Life: FAIL

Well then.

H/T The Mighty Insider

17 August 2009

Satirists Union Applies "Mercy Rule" To Red Bulls

NEW YORK, 17 August, 2009: In the wake of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison New Jersey's MLS-record 13th consecutive league match without a win (16 in all competitions), a 2-0 home loss to Chivas EEUU, the International Brotherhood of Satirists (I.B.S.) announced today that it was applying an obscure rule to prevent further satire of RBNYRBOHNJ for the remainder of the season.

Known as the "Mercy Rule," or the "Clippers Rule," Section 8.06 of the Union's guidelines prevents "any additional satire directed at a team that, having lost so badly, so consistently, and in such novel ways that effective parody is no longer possible." The only previous instance of an MLS team even being considered for the Clippers Rule was in 1999, when, while doing business as the Metrostars, the current RBNYRBOHNJ set what was thought at the time to be an unbreakable record for futility. However, the I.B.S. Executive Committee decided not to apply the Clippers Rule at that time, based on the relatively brief existence of the franchise. "They just didn't have the history of failure back then," one I.B.S. insider told MLS Rumors Rumors over rounds of Yuengling at a too-trendy-by-half "dive bar" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This time around, according to I.B.S. spokeswoman Candace Stringer, "the team's current ineptitude on the field, combined with the absolutely mystifying work being done by the front office, and the team's 14-season history of spectacular failure really makes continued comedy at their expense impossible. The I.B.S. has decided to invoke the Clippers Rule to prevent its members from the embarrassing likelihood that their best efforts will be overshadowed by the horrifically hilarious reality of the situation."

14 August 2009

RUMOR: Seattle Sounders midfielder on the way to Benfica?

It has come to our attention that God's gift to MLS, the Seattle Sounders, may soon be without a beloved crowd favorite leftover from USL/A-League/various minor leagues of not much note. Through a source (which we will not identify) served by an Ibiza bartender who once scored with Mike's neighbor's daughter while her suburbothug friends flashed gang signs, we have learned that none other than Sebastian LeToux is heading to Benfica.

After doing some digging, we found this item on the Benfica team site. We at MLSRumors² are not such cunning linguists that we can decipher the byzantine Portuguese language, but it seems pretty clear that "Seba" is on his way to the Iberian peninsula. It is not clear if the transfer will go into effect now or in the winter transfer window. Seattle attendance kings will be concerned that the full emotional ejaculation of a possible Open Cup championship will be weakened if this symbol of continuity is not with the team. LeToux would, of course, applaud the 25,000 rave green clad supporters whom will descend upon RFK to show DC United "how its done".

Stay tuned, remember, today's rumor is tomorrow's headline!

That's harsh Sunil

13 August 2009

Northern Virginia Man Suffers Shattered Self Esteem, Bruised Ego In Loss To Mexico

FAIRFAX, VA 13 August, 2009: A medical report issued by psychiatrists at INOVA Fairfax Hospital confirmed an initial diagnosis of shattered self esteem and a bruised ego for local soccer fanatic Grayson Whitman following the United States crushing loss at the hands of Mexico yesterday afternoon.

"His ego is banged up pretty good," said INOVA spokesman James Ledbetter. "He was talking smack to his Mexican co-workers at the World Bank all week. Going on about 'It's the U.S.' time, Mexico is over as a regional power, 5-0 was a fluke.' Just knowing he has to face them when he's healthy enough to get back to the office has caused some deep bruising."

Grayson Whitman, Recovering At INOVA Fairfax Hospital. Image by Flickr user Docman.
More troubling, however, is Whitman's shattered self esteem. According to Ledbetter, "Grayson really lives vicariously through the USMNT. He's been having a rough go of things lately - his girlfriend left him for a Brazilian guy who works for McKinsey, his dog ran away, that sort of thing - and the success of the US national team was really keeping him going. After that early goal, his self esteem took a quick jump up, and the subsequent crash just put too much strain on the system; when that second Mexican goal went in, it just shattered. It's sad, really."

Doctors have prescribed an intensive regimen of beer and hard alcohol, "but no wine," said Ledbetter, the INOVA spokesman. "He's also been prescribed some anti-depressants, and some painkillers. The guy's in bad shape right now, but we're hopeful that he'll be back to his chest-thumping, Mexican taunting best by next summer's World Cup. Of course, if the U.S. doesn't qualify, he could be facing a life-or-death situation."

When reached for comment in his hospital room, Whitman stated: "DC United had better win the [expletive] Open Cup...I've been talking [expletive] about it to my cousins out in Seattle for weeks."

12 August 2009

Breaking: Bob Bradley packing bags?

Bob Bradley awaiting marching orders?

It has come to our attention that Bob Bradley has been given the dreaded vote of confidence by the USSF. In statements made to the press in Mexico, Sunil Gulati dictator Supremo head of US Soccer said that US Soccer would stick with Bob Bradley through the World Cup. We here at Rumors² would like to take him at his word but after reviewing the book by Johnny "Captain for Life" Harkes, we can only believe that Bradley is on the outs.

Speculation around the bar is that Gulati became enamoured while in Washington DC of a job applicant announced on DC 101 that said he had 23 years of organizational experience and would take any job. Gulati was in DC watching the Match of the Century (where were you?!) between Real Madrid and DC United.

When attempted to be reached for comment, all parties promptly hung up on us.

11 August 2009

BREAKING: Sounders To Hoist "Attendance Champions" Banner

SEATTLE, 11 August, 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that Seattle plans to open their 2010 home schedule with a pre-match banner-raising ceremony, honoring the team's first title: 2009 MLS Attendance Champions.

According to our source, a local bike messenger who occasionally smokes up with Seattle FO personnel:
They got the idea from the [WNBA's Washington] Mystics. I mean, everyone from Drew on down to the fans in the stands is really pumped up about how we've pwnd the league at the turnstiles. It really is the truest measure of a team's success. Like, look at the Cubs! No one gives a shit that they haven't won a world series in over a hundred years, they still pwn bitches like the Marlins and D-Backs, because they sell more tickets.
While the Attendance Champions banner is "a done deal," still up for grabs is the coveted "Merchandise Championship." The Sounders currently hold an edge over TFC and the LA Galaxy, and if they maintain it through the end of the season, our source tells us that:
They're gonna go all out for that one, man...we're talking the biggest banner you've ever seen...I mean, I hate to keep coming back to it, but look at the Cubs, or the Indians. Who cares about rings, man? These guys sell so much more merch than the Phillies or the Marlins, it PROVES that they're better. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. Dollar bill, y'all.

Obama Weighs in on Seattle Controversy

Having read the recent diatribe from Seattle Fans, President Obama has reportedly taken offense. According to staffers that may have been overheard while drinking at a bar in or around the White House, Obama is livid that Seattle Sounders FC fans are up on their high horse.

Obama is rumored to have ranted -

"Look, first we had to deal the pretenders from Toronto, claiming to be the best expansion team, but what have they ever won. NOTHING! Now we've got these greenies from the Northwest claiming to be the best expansion franchise ever. What? Am I missing something? Did they win an MLS Cup in their first season? Please, they remind me those howling talking heads on Fox."

As of this writing, it is unclear what actions the President may choose to take. We asked around for some speculation and the majority think that Obama will offer to host the next 20 G-8 conferences, the World Bank/IMF meetings, and all future World Trade Organization meetings in the city of Seattle.

Seattle Leads The Way!

Look out, MLS old guard, there's a sassy new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Seattle Sounders. Yes, that's right, the league's newest addition is taking the nation (and our Canadian cousins) by storm, and all around the league, supporters of old, decrepit, moribund teams are giving thanks to their saviors.

Scott MacLeFleur, a member of Toronto FC's North End Elite, was effusive: "Gosh, I mean, when we came into the league, we thought we were God's gift, that we were going to single-handedly save those hosers from themselves, eh? Turns out, though, we were just a bunch of f*ckin' amateurs compared to Seattle. I mean, a marching band? Wow. And I hear their fake turf is even better than ours...and that really hits home for us. I just thank God they deigned it upon themselves to join MLS and save us, when they could've just stayed in USL-1 forever, with the massive crowds they were drawing."

Whitey McWhite, a member of shadowy Columbus supporters group the Kolumbus Krew Kidz, told MLS Rumors Rumors: "I'm just glad we won the double last year, because I get the feeling we're never going to win anything ever again. God bless those Sounders, every one!"

Thaddeus Jarvis, the Colorado Rapids supporter, told us: "Oh man, thank God for the Sounders! Now maybe the Rapids FO will stop ordering security to kick me out of every home game!"

And finally, Piotr Kowalski of Chicago's Section 8, gushed, "Wow, I mean, Seattle is such a great sports town, they really should look into getting an NBA franchise, too. Just think what they could do for basketball if they could land a charismatic young scorer like, say, Kevin Durant! My god, they'd be sold out forever!"

07 August 2009

Marketing 101

I had just finished my lunch of General Tso's chicken and Hot & Sour soup when the bill promptly arrived along with the traditional fortune cookie. My luncheon guest suggested we play the old "in bed" game with the fortunes. I'm game for some innuendo and inappropriate behavior during digestion so I said "You first".

Her fortune came up "Love always and deeply." to which she added "in bed". The steamy glance she shot me most likely turned my face the color of the fellow who wears the bull horns at Giants Stadium while witnessing the latest pratfalls of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey.

At any rate, I took a sip of hot tea, which by then had grown quite cold and bitter. Feeling a little bit more controlled, I set upon my cookie with vigor.

Click the cookie to see what mine said...

Is there no end to this!???

06 August 2009

Red Bull Academy Side Eliminated From Skee Ball Tournament

Members of the Asbury Park Sharks warm up prior to their victory over the RBNY Youth Academy
ATLANTIC CITY, 6 August 2009: Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey's nightmare season of bad dreams continued last night, when, at the same time their senior squad was being eliminated from the CONCACAF Champions League by Trinidadian powerhouse W Connection, their Academy side was humiliated in the first round of an Atlantic City Boardwalk Skee Ball Tournament, losing to the Sharks, a co-ed U-10 side from the Asbury Park Boys & Girls Club, 1520 to 270.

"The Sharks really came at us hard in the first frame. We thought we could hold them off, but then right before halftime, we just fell apart," said Red Bulls Sporting Director Jeff Agoos, who was in Atlantic City for the match. "We feel that we have all the pieces in place for a successful skee ball team, we just have to concentrate a little harder."

The Red Bulls received bad news just two hours before the start of the match, when they learned that leading scorer John Paul Cherubim was ruled out by team doctors after suffering a mild concussion at a warm-up tournament last week, courtesy of a stray skee ball. When asked when he learned Cherubim would miss the match, Red Bull Director Of Youth Programs John Carl Soreass replied: "Well, two hours before the game. Frustrating, however that was a medical decision. It is my understanding the club's policy it is to have a player symptom free after a concussion and I'm just following the rules."

03 August 2009

BREAKING: DC To Play Globetrotters In London

Having already conquered the "other" football, the Globetrotters are ready to take on a new challenge.
LONDON, 3 August 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that AEG Entertainment will fulfill its contractual obligation with London's O2 Arena for 50 sold-out performances by arranging for the world-renowned Kings Of Basketball, the Harlem Globetrotters, to take Michael Jackson's place. Because of the cultural differences between American and English audiences, however, the Globetrotters usual patsies opponents, the Washington Generals, will be replaced by fellow Washingtonians DC United.

According to our source, the author's best friend's sister's boyfriend, who saw Kevin Payne pass out at 31 Flavors last night (though we hear it's not serious), "It's, like, total perfect synergy. This run at the O2 will really help build the DC United brand. Losing to the Globetrotters on a nightly basis for nearly two months will be, like, an essential part of United's push to succeed in both the CONCACAF Champions League and in MLS. Plus, like, the guy who replaced Curly is really hawt."

A source inside AEG confirmed the rumors, telling us: "Look, we really had our asses over a barrel on this one. I mean, we were about to get reamed, hard, with no Jesus Juice. O2's barristers were gonna pound us. Pound us but good. We had to come up with something. We would've used the Galaxy, but 19 Entertainment told us to go fuck ourselves, and Beckham will be back in Milan by then anyways (though he'll be at Inter, but don't ask about that, just know that Mourinho has eerie powers), and who would want to see them without Becks? So we called in a favor from our boy KP, and voila! Problem solved from our end!"

When asked why they didn't consider using Real Madrid for the unprecedented English residency, our source at AEG scoffed: "Those putos? Man, they charge a million a night, in Euros! Someone's gotta pay Sir Alex's blood money, and they haven't even started scraping together the cash for Alonso. There's no way AEG could afford to pay both them *and* the Globetrotters. Don't quote me on that, by the way."

Hot New Colorscheme!

In honor of MLS penchant for reanimating the corpses of former top flight teams and adding them to the roster of league participants, MLS Rumors Rumors has decided to retool its look by going to a combination of the Houston Astros / San Diego Padres late 70s, early 80s colorway.

Thanks to Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver, we will soon know the full righteousness of football.

UPDATE: Like the late 70s and early 80s, so too must this good thing come to an end. We're trending younger with a hot/hawt/haute/worse than Red Bull new colorway.

Agoos Trades Hall Of Fame Induction For Oduro

ONEONTA, NY, 3 August 2009: One day after his induction into the U.S. Soccer Hall Of Fame, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey, Presented By Red Bull Sporting Director Jeff Agoos traded his Hall of Fame rights for Houston Dynamo striker Dominic Oduro. "I really feel like this is in the best interest of the club," said Agoos. "Dominic is a proven scorer, and someone I feel can really help this club win a third game this season."
Jeff Agoos has made more laughable trades than any other GM in MLS history.

MLS Rumors² has learned that Houston intends to trade the Hall of Fame rights to Toronto FC in exchange for Steve Cronin and Dwayne De Rosario. When asked if Mo Johnston realized that the Hall of Fame slot was only valid in the United States, our source, a Houston-area barrista, said, "You know, I don't think he knows that."

31 July 2009

Breaking: Adidas Goes Retro for World Cup

Despite the commentary from the Arsenal Supporters, Adidas really liked this kit.

MLS Rumors Rumors has discovered at an undisclosed bar inside the District of Columbia's U Street neighborhood the upcoming catalogue of Adidas designs for the World Cup. Each World Cup, Adidas and Nike and Puma set out to take the world by storm with their controversial, different, and unique designs for all their teams. They want each team to look completely unique within the overall paradigm of the functional design for the brand. At least according to the introduction in the catalogue.

The key is that the Adidas catalogue is full of designs based off the above Arsenal FC away kit from the early nineties. The promotional message in the catalogue states that "Adidas wants to get back to an earlier time in football, when a win was worth two points and the English league wasn't dominated by Manchester United. It was a time of innocence and purity of the game."

We would release all the designs but fear getting sued.

BREAKING: TFC Fans To Protest Protesting

TFC Supporters Discuss Upcoming Protest Of Protests

TORONTO, 31 July, 2009: A group of disgruntled Toronto FC supporters are organizing a protest of protesting by their fellow TFC Supporters. In a recent exclusive interview with MLS Rumors², Droz, a spokesperson for the group explained:
I don't have a lot of time to say this, but I gotta get something off my chest.

Last Tuesday, we played a CONCACAF Champions League match, and I thought that we all finally got along. We had a good time. But we got so many protests, we broke so many rules...that we got beer sales cut off. You know, it used to be the FO's job to make rules. It used to be us against them. Now it's us against us. I've been here four years and I gotta tell you guys...what's going on here is about Canada.

It's about democracy. It's about having pictures of ducks and the Queen on our money, the T-Hip, Kraft dinner, and Tim Horton's. It's about exporting sketch comedy to the U.S. It's about poutain, lager that's only slightly less pathetic than the stuff from the States, Great Big Sea, and Anne of Green Gables. It's about the Maple Leafs never winning the Stanley Cup, great strip clubs, and kind bud. It's about road signs in French out in British Columbia, and no English on signs anywhere in Quebec. It's about the Metric System! It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!

We can do something about this. We can finally say...that when some people are having a good time...and drinking some beers, throwing some streamers...that we're not gonna protest.

In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I'm sorry. If we could just say that, if only to each other...just this one time...that we're not gonna protest.

That we're not gonna protest?

We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest! We're not gonna protest!

30 July 2009

Beckham to host handshaking

After all the controversy regarding David Beckham and the LA Galaxy, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that the superstar, internationally renowned, and argueably the best player to ever put on a soccer shirt will be trying to put all that behind him. Our sources close to the situation (including Beckham's back up to his stand in sideburn stylist) indicate that THE David Beckham wants to host a "Shake my Hand and Feel the Greatness Day".

Mr. Posh Beckham regrets that his ability to shake hands with the Riot Squad members at the stadium has not gone according to plan. He feels slighted that they refused to come out of the stands and shake his hand during the friendly match against AC Milan.
According to some, Beckham had this to say, "I just wanted to shake some hands to say goodbye before I snuck onto the AC Milan bus. However, I don't understand why those guys wouldn't come out of the stands. They must not be real men because I have no problem walking from the pitch to the stands and back, but they claim they are not allowed. Well, Beckham don't play that way!"

The event is likely to take place at the Malibu Beach Club, although date and time have yet to be determined. Additionally, attendees will need to bring their Malibu Beach Club ID cards, or can buy a temporary one-day membership for $100,000.

29 July 2009

RUMOR: DC To Play 11 More League Games, Open Cup Final

WASHINGTON, DC, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has learned via multiple sources that, in addition to their upcoming meaningless friendly Match Of The Century against ReAL Real Madrid, DC United may also play as many as eleven more league fixtures between August 1st and October 24. Opponents have not yet been announced, but are believed to include league leading Houston Dynamo, the Los Angeles Galaxy Feat. David Beckham, and defending champions Columbus Crew. In a major blow to United's title hopes, Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison, New Jersey Brought To You By Red Bull are not believed to be on the list.

Additionally, one source, speaking on condition of anonymity, indicated that United will play in the final of something called the Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup, possibly in early September, and probably against a USL side, since, according to our source, "United only ever plays USL teams in the Open Cup."

RUMOR: Seattle, Toronto to Form Breakaway League

Goodbye MLS, Hello PMS?

SEATTLE, 29 July 2009: MLS Rumors² has received word from a local bartender/part-time hairdresser that Seattle Sounders FC and Toronto FC are on the verge of breaking away from MLS to start a new "Premier Major Soccer" league. According to our source:
I was serving appletinis and pints of Poseur's Pale Ale to a bunch of guys from the Sounders front office, and they started bragging about this new league their gonna form. This one guy was all, "The rest of the league is just a f'ing joke, man. They're really dragging our whole organization down. As soon as TFC commits to expanding their stadium, we're gonna split off from the MLS and form the PMS. Maybe we'll add Philly, Portland, and Vancouver as expansion teams in a year or two. The PMS will be massive. We don't want the MLS to ride the coattails of our success." I asked him if Seattle would still participate in the U.S. Open Cup, and he was like, "Only if the USSF will send us a formal letter of apology for letting DC United host the final this year, and then commit to letting us host every round of all future tournaments. It's only fair."

28 July 2009

Warner: No Corruption In USSF

Port-Of-Spain, Trinidad: CONCACAF Chairman "Diamond" Jack Warner today vehemently denied reports of possible corruption within the USSF. "I can assure you, there is absolutely no corruption in the USSF. They are run as legally and as efficiently as my travel agency, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours. Diamond Jack's: when you just can't get tickets any other way! They are a bunch of racists, though."

We're Back, Bitches!

Miss us much? You know you did. We know you did. The people at home know you did. Well, you're in luck, because even though we wish we could quit you, we can't. We're off the wagon and back on the Crazy Train. Aww yeah, we've got $240 worth of pudding, and when we're done whispering sweet nothings to it, we're gonna get back to posting.

If anyone is still there: You're on notice.

17 February 2009

Pretty In Rossoneri, Pt. 1

The on-again, off-again, will he or won't he saga of David Beckham's Italian Job was giving us some serious deja vu...so we dug back into the archives and realized we'd seen this all before, in John Hughes' 1986 coming-of-age classic, Pretty In Pink. We've taken the liberty of updating Hughes' masterpiece, which we are presenting to you, our lucky, lucky readers, in serial form, beginning right here, right now, with Part 1 of John Hughes soon-to-be classic, Pretty In Rossoneri:

Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, wake up! Morning, Bruce. Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, wake up. There's your coffee right there.

Bruce: Where am I?

Landon: Here, I want you to drink this. Then take a shower and get dressed. Your clothes are there. Then I want you to see the scouts about the new signings. Today. You promised.

Bruce: I know. What would I do without you nagging me all the time?

Landon: You really want me to answer that?

Bruce: Yeah, I've been gettin' in kinda late lately. We haven't had a chance to talk.

Landon: Don't worry about it. There hasn't been a lot to say.

Bruce: Is everything all right with you?

Landon: Yeah.

Bruce: Is Germany good?

Landon: No, but it never is.

Bruce: Have you been asked for a permanent transfer?

Landon: No. Not yet.

Bruce: When was the last time I told you how beautiful you are?

About yesterday.

Bruce: Turn around.


Bruce: You know what. Let me see this outfit. Is this your latest creation?

Landon: This is it.

Bruce: My God, what did that cost you?

Landon: About $20 for the shoes, second-hand, and I made the rest.

Bruce: Unbelievable. I was thinking maybe that you could do something with this. Maybe put some ruffles here...

Landon: Come on, get up! Really, I mean it. This means a lot to me.

I am perfectly happy with what I'm doing.

Perfectly happy coaching a shit MLS side that hasn't even made the playoffs since 2007?

Bruce: No. That's why I'm getting up.

Landon: OK. I'll make you some breakfast.

Bruce: I'm up.

05 February 2009

Top 10 Reasons Beckham wants to leave the Galaxy

David Beckham has MLS rules named after him. We hear that Don Garber refers to a part of his anatomy as his Beckham (no not that, his "sweet left foot"). But we all knew it was too good to last. So, we've uncovered the top 10 reasons that David Beckham wants to leave LA:

10) Tired of MLS commentators fawning over his every free kick.
9) Tired of Li'l Cobi dogging him about taking him to the club.
8) Tired of getting mugged by developmental players in the locker room.
7) Bruce Arena's habit of referring to himself in the 3rd person.
6) Tired of the 12 year old girls screaming his name at every Galaxy match - even if he isn't on the pitch or even in town.
5) Victoria keeps threatening to name the next kid, Redondo.
4) MLS plays in the summer, which is when all his buddies are relaxing in Mallorca.
3) While he loves the herb, he's not so sure about herbalife...
2) Abbey Okulaja.

And the number one reason:

While Alexis Lalas was always on about a "Super club", David really is getting tired of underoos...

22 January 2009

MLS Rumors² Exclusive: Interview With Ben Olsen's Ankles

Ben's Left Ankle Takes A Break After The Season's First Practice

WASHINGTON, DC 22 January, 2009: DC United opened its 2009 training camp today at RFK Stadium, and MLS Rumors² took advantage of a chance to grab a rare and exclusive interview with Ben Olsen's ankles. The full transcript follows:

MLS Rumors²:
Thanks for sitting down with us! Can you give our readers a sense of what you did to keep busy this past off season?

Ben Olsen's Ankles: My pleasure. Yeah, it was a really, really hectic off season for us. For starters, Ben's got a new baby, so in addition to our usual off-season routine of growing bone spurs and calcifying, we spent a LOT of time bouncing up and down and side-to-side trying to get little Ruby Lou to settle down and sleep. It was brutal. Oh my god, was it brutal.

MLS Rumors²: Really? That bad?

Let's put it this way: it was so bad, we decided to skip the whole calcifying thing in the end and actually let Ben get back to training, just to get a break. I swear, if I have to hear that stupid musical mobile play one more endless loop of Bach, I'm gonna flip like my name was Turner. Nat Turner, Ted Turner, shit, man, Ike Turner.

MLS Rumors²: Sounds like you're a fan of the Roots.

BOA: Oh yeah. We're from Pennsylvania, man, gotta represent.

MLS Rumors²:
Yeah, but you've been in DC a long time. Any local favorites?

BOA: Man, the whole DC scene has been all downhill since Velocity Girl broke up...and then Q and Not U. Damn, man. At least Chuck Brown is still going strong.

MLS Rumors²: So you like some go-go?

BOA: Oh yeah. True story: this one time, I was out on the town with Jaime Moreno's trick back and Josh Gros's eggshell skull...we wound up at some random club somewhere in PG around 2 AM, just groovin' to the Junkyard Band...you haven't lived until you've heard Gros's skull singin' "Sardines," or seen Jaime's back doing the Hee-Haw.

MLS Rumors²: That's wild, man.

BOA: Oh yeah. That was a crazy night. Gros's skull is a madman!

MLS Rumors²: Getting back to the on-the-field stuff, who's been your favorite accent to play for?

BOA: Oh, great question! Tommy Soehn's accent is straight whitebread, but Bruce's Lawngisland was a class act, and Piotr's faux-Drago was a trip...still, it's really a two-accent race between Rongen's Dutch Treat and Hudson's Geordie Burr...and honestly, it's no contest...Ray's accent is just in a league of its own.

MLS Rumors²: What about your plans for the upcoming season? Any changes in store for you guys?

BOA: We could tell you, but we'd have to kill you! [laughter] No, seriously, we're just going to try to keep a low profile, maybe flare up just enough in the evenings to keep Ben the hell away from that damn musical mobile on Ruby Lou's crib. Nothing too serious, just enough to make Meghan feel bad about asking Ben to help out after practice.

MLS Rumors²: Well, thanks again for talking to us...

BOA: Our pleasure...hey, can we give a shout-out to our boy, Dr. Hazel's scalpel? Yo-yo! What up, S-Dawg?!

12 January 2009

San Jose "Superfan" Bemoans "Pathetic" Combine Coverage

Wurzlebacher: Combine-Bound?

Self-described San Jose Earthquakes "Superfan" John Ritzlesparger - who posts as "JohnnyQuakes" on BigSoccer and Free Republic - recently complained about the lack of extensive coverage of the MLS combine in the local and national media. In an email to MLS Rumors², which was also posted on the Big Soccer and Free Republic message boards, Ritzlesparger wrote:
I'm just so f'ing sick of the mainstream media ignoring the real story of this offseason: the MLS Combine. This is the single most important thing going on in American soccer right now, and they're just completely missing it!

It's f'ing typical of the East Coast liberal media elite to think that the real Americans at the combine aren't worth covering. The way they hate America makes me sick to my stomach. And for the record, I don't expect it to get any better now that Obambi is taking over. They'll probably switch all their soccer reporters over to covering midnight basketball leagues in places like Chicago and New York City.

We need to get Joe the Plumber to the combine as soon as he's done in Israel - maybe that would shame the libtards into giving the combine the coverage it deserves.