17 August 2009

Satirists Union Applies "Mercy Rule" To Red Bulls

NEW YORK, 17 August, 2009: In the wake of Red Bull New York Red Bulls Of Harrison New Jersey's MLS-record 13th consecutive league match without a win (16 in all competitions), a 2-0 home loss to Chivas EEUU, the International Brotherhood of Satirists (I.B.S.) announced today that it was applying an obscure rule to prevent further satire of RBNYRBOHNJ for the remainder of the season.

Known as the "Mercy Rule," or the "Clippers Rule," Section 8.06 of the Union's guidelines prevents "any additional satire directed at a team that, having lost so badly, so consistently, and in such novel ways that effective parody is no longer possible." The only previous instance of an MLS team even being considered for the Clippers Rule was in 1999, when, while doing business as the Metrostars, the current RBNYRBOHNJ set what was thought at the time to be an unbreakable record for futility. However, the I.B.S. Executive Committee decided not to apply the Clippers Rule at that time, based on the relatively brief existence of the franchise. "They just didn't have the history of failure back then," one I.B.S. insider told MLS Rumors Rumors over rounds of Yuengling at a too-trendy-by-half "dive bar" in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

This time around, according to I.B.S. spokeswoman Candace Stringer, "the team's current ineptitude on the field, combined with the absolutely mystifying work being done by the front office, and the team's 14-season history of spectacular failure really makes continued comedy at their expense impossible. The I.B.S. has decided to invoke the Clippers Rule to prevent its members from the embarrassing likelihood that their best efforts will be overshadowed by the horrifically hilarious reality of the situation."


Eric Lowe said...

Obviously it was a poseur bar. Yuengling is a little too "quality" to be an unembarrassed selection in Wburg.

EdTheRed said...

They were drinking it ironically.

dadman said...

I thought you could only drink Iron City beer ironically. And then, only from cans. Ya live, ya learn.

I, for one, stand and applaud the IBS for this merciful evocation of the Clippers Rule. However, I'm happy I'm not an IBS Union member, so that I may continue to ridicule Red Bull New York Red Bull of Harrison New Jersey (Presented by Red Bull) in this, the Summer of their Discontent, turned glorious Nova by Sons of York (PA).

Revelation said...

I thought you could only drink PBR ironically? Or was that it is ironic that people still drink PBR ironically? Or is the irony that it is still ironic that people still drink PBR?

I get so confused. And where they drinking ironically or Alanis Morisette "ironically"?