29 November 2010
28 November 2010
Could he be the next DC United manager?
Mourinho is just crazy enough to get the genius of Kevin Payne and Dave Kasper.
24 November 2010
We all know that MLS has many things in the works and they are trying to balance the people that follow soccer (or football, if you want the better known name) and the people that only come out because their little kids play recreation soccer and got free tickets. MLS headquarters has been all abuzz with new changes expected over the next few years to secretly appease the football aficionados without alienating the US American public (which to date really has ignored MLS, anyway...).
Top secrets Garber does not want you to know:
Yes, it is coming to MLS. However, because everyone knows that after paying a multi-million dollar franchise fee, the operator/owners are unwilling to be placed into a second division, MLS is working out a compromise, whereby the last place team in the stronger conference will be sent to the weaker conference and the top team in the weaker conference will be sent to the stronger conference. The strength of the conferences will be determined by the all-star balloting - the conference which sends more players to the All-Star game will judged the stronger.
You might think with the above organization that MLS will forever neglect the single table, however, this is not the case. In all league announcements, the teams will be ranked in a single table. This ranking will have no bearing on the playoff set up, which will be done by conference. Thus it will be possible for the #5 ranked team to be the top seed in their conference.
End to the Eastern and Western Conferences
MLS has started to evaluate the need to change the format from East vs. West to North vs. South. According to team location evaluators Harvey Mason and George Dixon, there will be a line drawn somewhere across the US to divide things into North and South.
With the division of North and South, MLS will play a split schedule that aligns with the European schedule. All of the Southern Conference teams will host matches from October through March and the Northern Conference will host August/September and April/May. MLS Cup will become a fixture on Memorial Day Sunday at 8pm Eastern Daylight Time.
The league is debating providing more importance to the Supporters Shield winner. One proposal is that the winner will be allowed to have a roster depth and salary cap equivalent to the LA Galaxy for the season after winning.
Major League Soccer is seriously considering changing their name to the La Premier Bundesliga.
In a secret ceremony deep within the bowels of the US Soccer Federation headquarters, Sunil Gulati oversaw the transfer of the sacred mantle once held by Real Salt Lake head coach Jason Kreis. Kreis is proud that Robbie Findley is taking it from Taylor Twellman. In a rumored interview after the ceremony, Kreis had this to say:
”It is not easy to score a lot of goals in the league and still find yourself without goals at the National Team. Sometimes those guys set you up with a clear look and you have to somehow shank it. It is a real honor that Findley can take over this role from Twellman.”
While the official numbers appeared good for MLS Cup, in reality, many of those who bought tickets preferred to watch the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree than Colorado Rapids and FC Dallas battle for the coveted MLS Cup. According to rumors we have from a local bartender with connections to the Toronto region, the Hockey Jamboree was filled to its 60,000 person capacity and that several in attendance had tickets to the other match across town. Locals say that the Pee Wee tournament represents the best of ages 4 to 9 hockey in all of North Toronto, which is the source for some talent on the Canadian National Hockey Team.
”When the weather gets cold in September, our thoughts all turn to the ice, enough with these other sports. Sure those guys at Toronto FC are still playing but it doesn’t mean anything, afterall their season is over in July.”
Fans at the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree were excited and thrilled with the event and several questioned about the MLS Cup happening across town replied, “Normally I would accept your inquiry in good sport but really I must quote a great Canadian, ‘Take off, you Hoser!’. Thank you.”
Note: Many Canadians suffered unnecessarily for the use of the stereotypes in this article.
23 November 2010
DC United has draft picks. You know that you want them. We are looking for the following in trade: 1) Plane tickets for four and luxury hotel stay in Argentina (Expecting to travel between November through February); 2) Plane tickets for one to Africa; 3) Plane tickets for four to Europe, luxury hotel stay in Europe and 4 luxury box tickets to the Champion's League Final(Travel between February through May). We are accepting bids at our offices at RFK stadium. Note: We are not interested in your players, ours are much better than any you have to offer.
01 October 2010
According to our interview with Pookie Sulfer, ex-hooligan from ENGLAND! and reformed author, MLS is about to explode in violence and hooliganism, the likes of which have not been seen since the bad bad 1980s and 1990s.
Mr. Sulfer, tell us a bit about why you believe that MLS is ripe for a hooligan invasion?
“I ran with a pretty tough crew back in the day. We were the feared Black Street Ruffians that made many another hooligan group run with fear at just the sound of our name. We were so hard that the police had separate procedures to deal with our boys. We’d seriously mess up anyone that tried to invade our turf at Cream Puff Downs, which was named after the famous Cream Puff factory that closed down under Thatcher in favor of another Government ministry to repress the Irish. Anyway, we’d totally get all ultra-violent on other hooligan groups. They’d run so fast that they’d leave scarves and hats behind. We had quite the collection of found stuff in our headquarters.”
All very interesting and exciting Mr. Sulfer, but what does that have to do with MLS?
“I’m just telling like it is. That is hooliganism. I am out of that life now. After I broke my finger punching out some guy, I realized that there was more to life than just beating up people, so I became an author and wrote about all the cool stuff I did. Like that time when my ten mates and I jumped those two Blue Street Boys in the alley behind Hosters. That was great. We put a whooping on them. Gave them the fear of the Black Street Ruffians.”
Um, what about MLS?
“Oh, yea, just wanted to let you know what hooliganism can be like. It is not all friendly like it gets pictured in movies or on the telly. It is really hard and dangerous. It is coming here to the States, of that I can promise you. You have all the ingredients necessary: football, what you lot call soccer, fans, and stadiums. Once you have that, it is inevitable.”
Any other evidence for your assertion?
“Well just look at what kind of stick that bloke Becks is getting from fans. They are screaming at him from their seats. Those guys are willing to yell at their own players. I tell you, they are hard and will likely have words with people outside the stadium too! And when that happens it could come to blows. In DC, they get thousands of people to chant about wishing to crap on opposing team’s cities. I mean, they are advocating use of weapons of mass defecation upon innocents. That is rough. In Colorado, the hooligans are defying bans on swear words and using that harsh language to intimidate all the families that come to matches. I know from personally talking to people on Internet message boards, that a lot of people have abandoned going to Colorado Rapids games because of that hooligan behavior. And then there is the Columbus Crew Kickers fan groups. They got into with the legendary Green Street Hooligans, of movie fame, at an international friendly! You are telling me that MLS is not about to explode, it is because you haven’t been there in the trenches of hooligan violence and don’t know the signs.”
And when is this outbreak of violence going to happen?
“My guess is that as things wind down in the season towards the intensity of the playoffs, we’ll see an increasing level of violence. Look, in MLS, as the matches become more intense and more people stay away from the stadium, particularly during the playoffs, you are more likely to see a concentration of hard core support than at other times of the year. With the increased intensity of the match results, the concentration of hard core support that does not have the mitigating numbers of innocents and fair-weather fans could explode in an orgy of hooligan violence! I think we could see the use of pepper spray and tear gas to control the crowd. There is also a possibility that hooligans will use violence against marketing ploys from teams, like say if Santa Claus is part of a parade, I could see hooligans pelting him with batteries or coins. It would be carnage!”
06 August 2010
So without further ado, here's Episode 1, featuring LA Galaxy SuperFan Tawper*, and his bestest buddy, Seattle Steve!
*Tawper is in no way related to actual LA Galaxy fan Topper...Tawper may only be a cartoon character, but he's way, way taller.
04 August 2010
After DC United boss Kevin Payne suggested that players not living up to DC United standards can look elsewhere, Houston coach Dominic Kinnear is licking his chops (well Wade Barrett's chops) in anticipation. MLS Rumors Rumors has it on good authority of a certain person that has been to Texas (and not just the Alamo either!), that Kinnear is keen on several DC United players.
"Last time they were tired of a player, we shipped them some of our dead weight and got Bobby Boswell. Once we nipped that bobbyboswell.com crap in the bud, he became a useful player. I can think of any number of guys up there in DC that would welcome a club with a good atmosphere, tradition of winning, excellent coaching, and an actual stadium that doesn't have rats, cats, and racoons."
Kevin Payne's response was straight forward:
"They can talk to them if they would like to get sued. But I don't think it will come to that because Dominic Kinnear is a gentleman. We have no intention to have any of our players come to Houston for a trial. They are under contract and if anybody tries to talk to them, we are prepared to file a lawsuit. This is DC. It's American contract law that applies here. Local law prevails. We have not been contacted. I am quite confident that if Houston wanted to talk to us about our players, Dominic would call me. They are all very, very special."
Kevin Jong-il (undated image, released by MLSRumors² in August 2008) Sunglasses and business casual are Kevin Jong-il's trademark
Former coaches and players talk of a vain, paranoid, cognac-guzzling hypochondriac.
He is said to wear platform shoes to appear taller than his 1.57m (5ft 3in).
But analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman.
Mr Kevin may well encourage the myth-making surrounding him precisely in order to keep the soccer world guessing. D.C. United has little to bargain with, and ignorance breeds fear.
The analysis of him as a mercurial fantasist is certainly beguiling.
"I know I'm an object of criticism in the world but if I am being talked about, I must be doing the right things"
He is said to have a library of 20,000 Hollywood movies and to have even written a book on the cinema. He even went so far as to engineer the kidnapping, in 1998, of a MLS Soccer promo commercial director and his girlfriend.
This taste for the exotic apparently extends to gastronomy.
Galin Ivanov, a Bulgarian emissary who traveled with Mr Kevin by train across Russia, reported that the D.C. United leader had live lobsters air-lifted to the train every day which he ate with silver chopsticks.
The two men shared champagne with a bevy of female companions of "utmost beauty and intelligence", according to Mr Ivanov.
Mr Kevin also has a reputation as a drinker.
He was seen draining 10 glasses of wine during his 2000 summit with NY/NJ Metrostars President Charlie Stillitano and is known to have a taste for Hennessy VSOP cognac.
But such an unlikely reputation masks Mr Kevin's dangerous past.
Nor should it be assumed that eccentricity means inability. Mr Kevin is said to follow assiduously international events on the internet and some see him as a clever manipulator, willing to take great risks to underpin his regime - such as his apparent decision to test a rookie coach.
USSF Chief Sunil Gulati, who has met Mr Kevin, said that the D.C. United leader was very well informed and "not delusional".
"I found him very much on top of his brief," he added, although he noted that some of the comments he made about his plans for D.C. United sounded illogical.
The cult surrounding Kevin Jong-il extends even to his birth. He was born in Siberia in 1941 when his father, Kevin Il-sung, was in exile in the former Soviet Union.
But according to official D.C. United accounts, he was born in a log cabin at his father's guerrilla base on the Washington Redskins former Ashburn training facility, in February 1942.
The event was reportedly marked by a double rainbow and a bright star in the sky.
But he did not hold any positions of real power until 1995, when he took control of the nascent MLS Club - despite his lack of soccer experience.
Analysts believe he was given the position to counter potential resistance to his eventual megalomania.
Typically, he has kept his choice of successor close to his chest, if indeed he has made a decision.
Speculation has often focused on his eldest puppy, but one MLSRumors² report suggested that he had named his third goldfish.
01 August 2010
What caused Freddie Ljungberg to turn sour on Seattle? Was it the weather? After years in England and Sweden, he has to be used to steady gray rainy days for months on end. Was it the quality of play? We all know that Seattle invented the game and under Sigi Schmidt have tried to play a quick game that works with their artificial turf field. Was it the fear of Sigi's belly? While rumors have persisted that Sigi eats players that bother him, there were no indications that the Swede would have ended up on the menu. Was it the artificial turf? Freddie is an aging star and has to look out for his legs after injuries hampered his work in the English Premier League, the turf cannot have felt great on those shattered ankles.
The TRUTH: it was none of the above!
MLS Rumors Rumors spoke with a local barrista with connections to a Seattle barrista, who often serves the Sounders FC players. According to our source, Freddie Ljungberg tired of the coffee talk.
"He hated coming into the shop. He came because Sigi would sit on him if he didn't. All he wanted to do was talk about modeling and underwear but the rest of the guys wanted nothing to do with that. They all wanted to discuss coffee. They would spend hours discussing roasting techniques, brewing tips, varieties of beans, and different methods of frothing. I heard that he even did that landing strip mohawk just to have them talk about something else. It worked for all of five minutes."
31 July 2010
The summer seems to be getting worse for English forward Wayne Rooney. After his disappointing showing at the FIFA World Cup 2010 in South Africa (Sponsored by Diamond Jack Travels, who reminds you that without the money from tours booked from the US, he cannot call the referees before matches to wish them fair play!), Wayne Rooney has suffered another fall from grace - he has yet to be mentioned in the transfer swirl surrounding Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey.
"Every player worth his salt has been linked with a move to north Jersey, so I guess that means Rooney is a has-been."
Fans of the untriumphant club in northern New Jersey are quick to point out that although they would not turn down an offer of Wayne Rooney, he really would be second or third choice. Afterall, they are a super club and need someone that will not take the spotlight from Seth Stammler.
30 July 2010
According to the latest rumors surrounding the back alleys and train platforms of Grand Central Station, the MLS will be announcing two new conference divisions for next season. They are quite simply: Salary Cap Applicable Conference versus Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference.
The Salary Cap Not Applicable Conference will consist of Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey, Los Angeles Galaxy, and Seattle Sounders FC. Everyone else will be in the Salary Cap Applicable Conference. Seeding for the playoffs will consist of three teams from the Salary Cap Not Applicable conference and five teams from the Salary Cap Applicable Conference.
With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:
“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”
In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.
23 July 2010
We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.
“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”
No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.
“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”
Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.
22 July 2010
United Supporters Celebrate the Announcement of the Team's Bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup
WASHINGTON, DC: DC United today announced that they have presented the U.S. Soccer Federation with a bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup. For several seasons, opponents have complained about United's penchant for only playing Open Cup matches at home, and the team has decided to take things to the logical next step for next year's competition.
A United spokesman gave the following statement at a press event this morning: "Here at DC United, our motto is 'It Takes More,' and we try to extend that to everything we do. For next year, that means submitting a bid to bring the Open Cup back here where it belongs. We think the numbers in our bid are solid, and we expect to be awarded the Cup once the Federation has examined the package."
When asked whether the team felt it's supporters would care that United was attempting to acquire the Cup without actually competing for it, the spokesman replied, "Hey, bidding is, by definition, a competition. If Seattle really wants the Cup, they're welcome to try to outbid us."
12 July 2010
Unconfirmed speculation is that he had stashed the entire starting lineup of Paris St. Germain in his garage, awaiting MLS signings. Unfortunately for him, no one in MLS had heard of them and no team with room under the salary cap was willing to take them on consignment without more than video evidence (DC United was reportedly "very, very interested," but was still looking to make a deal for cap room and DP slots at the time this article went to publication). Henry's neighbors called the authorities after the smells emanating from the garage became overpowering; when the police opened the garage, they found the Parisian squad sitting around smoking Gauloises cigarettes, eating ham and brie on buttered baguettes, and misting cologne over their unwashed bodies. The police tried to help the players but were rebuffed until a translator was brought to the scene, at which point they were mercilessly taunted until they left.
10 July 2010
Kyle Beckerman is reportedly seeking the advice of Paul the Octopus regarding the future of his hair. The Real Salt Lake standout is making a decision on keeping his current hairstyle or sporting one of those Freddie Ljungberg landing strip mohawks.
After asking his normal consultative and decision making assistant, the Magic 8 Ball, if he should keep his current style, the Magic 8 Ball said:
Mr. Beckerman decided that he needed a better oracle of wisdom and knowledge. Enter Paul the Octopus.
No word yet if Paul is willing to venture an oracle regarding such a monumental decision, however, his handlers are rumored to be seeking additional revenue streams taking advantage of the cephalopods' predictive abilities.
09 July 2010
So, never fear, we will be back to regularly scheduled news updates any minute now!
24 June 2010
According to our inside man, the United States has formed a coalition to end the World Cup early after North Korea shocked the world through defeating Brazil 2:1 and Portugal 10:7. These results have so surprised the western world and shown that through group effort and community and sacrifice, the most powerful country in the world can prevail over the coalition of capitalistic tyrannies. As a result, the third match for the brave North Korean Champions will not be televised.
MLS Rumors Rumors will be hot on the trail of truth in this regard.
Breaking update: Although the World Cup has been cancelled, a team of South Korean imposters donned North Korean uniforms and played a match, pretending to be our heroic team. The North Korean Federation protests this deception vigorously and condemns the captalist totalitarianism at fault. We only support the people's choice of football teams and the clear winner of the World Cup before cancellation was the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea.
22 June 2010
21 June 2010
We have all grown to love or hate the infamous horns of South Africa, the vuvuzelas. These noisemaking devices are loud and pervasive at this World Cup and are now causing a stir amongst the MLS teams. Some front office staffers are gung-ho about bringing the horns to the US for MLS matches, whilst others are rather lukewarm about the idea.
Spokespersons for FC Dallas speaking in confidence and anonymity said:
”We can get a couple guys playing one of them into the stadium and for the TV audience it makes it seem that we have fans.”
For others such as the Colorado Rapids, the front office appears to be less enthusiastic:
”We don’t want them here. They make noise. They upset people. They bring the kind of atmosphere you would expect at a rock concert. We struggle mightily to maintain our Christian Tennis Match atmosphere and we don’t want it ruined by some devil-inspired troublemakers with loud horns.”
Seattle Sounders FC spokesperson:
”Well, we invented the darn horns. Those South Africans had never seen or heard a Vuvuzela before we came along. We’ve had them forever.”
”We would welcome the vuvuzelas to our fair stadium. Then we could have them drown out those damn Mexican Horns those Latinos use. What? How could anyone take offense to that statement?”
The DC United front office was unaware of the vuvuzela issue: When asked about the possibility of vuvuzelas coming to MLS, United President Kevin "KP" Payne replied:
"Vuvu-whatnow? Never heard of him - is he Brazilian? I think we can come up with a second DP slot - do you know who his agent is?"
Toronto FC was not only in favor of the vuvuzela but actually had this to say:
”We believe to represent the proper amount of cultural diversity in our stadium, we will require every fan to be issued a vuvuzela. This will be in addition to their regular horns, kilt, wedge of brie, curry and rice, jerk chicken, red coats, shamrocks, chopsticks, and native headdress.”
A rumor out of Bridgeview is that the Chicago front office likes the idea:
”Hearing those droning horns from South Africa reminds me of the droning single song coming out of Section 8. One song is all you ever need.”
According to fans that actually know there is a team in Kansas, the team is ok with them:
”Afterall, the Florida Marlins gave them away in a recent promotion. If it is good enough for baseball, then it is good enough for Kansas.”
Real Salt Lake front office warmed up to the idea after it was pointed out that they sounded like the Horn of the Angel Gabriel.
New England’s front office is mixed about the horns and is willing to give them a shot but only in half of the stadium.
”We will not have vuvuzelas in our stadium! They have been found to be drug paraphernalia after some fans made a water pipe out of it.”was the official word from the Portland front office.
In a bizarre twist, the Vancouver front office is actually in favor of them for the exact same reason:
Yeah, man, we're, like, totally gonna have vuvubonga day, eh? Like, first 10,000 righteous brahs get a free vuvubonga! It's gonna be killer, eh?
San Jose’s front office would require strict rules of possession for any vuvuzelas used in the stadium. According to the official release:
”All owners have sole possession of the vuvuzela. This is a non-transferable ownership and the vuvuzela will remain with the original purchaser in perpetuity. The vuvuzelas will be kept at Buck Shaw Stadium grounds until such time as the Earthquakes re-locate to a new home with the Bay Area. At no time with the vuvuzela be allowed to re-locate from the Earthquake’s stadium to any areas outside the Bay Area. In the unlikely event of the re-location happening outside the Bay Area, all vuvuzela history will remain in the Bay Area.”
When reached for comment in their Austrian headquarters, the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey front office said only:
”We think the vuvuzelas could finally break the non-official supporters groups and allow our fans to truly enjoy the Red Bulls experience in the most Red Bully way possible.”
Philadelphia’s front office was testing the idea to find out the maximum range and damage of said vuvuzelas before allowing them into the stadium.
Columbus’ front office refused to allow the vuvuzelas, noting that it has not yet been demonstrated that they are “hard”.
Chivas USA’s front office has taken the approach of excluding the horns because they represent Northern Aggression against Latinos.
LA Galaxy has adopted the vuvuzelas because with the popularity of the World Cup, it is clear that all Superclubs in the future will have them.
MLS supremo and general nice guy Don Garber could not be reached at his luxury resort in Atlantic City for comment.
18 June 2010
Sepp Blatter has just announced that FIFA has accepted the petition from Abbey Okulaja to referee the World Cup Final.
”He made a compelling argument augmented by women footballers in appropriate dress.”
MLS Rumors² has speculated that the argument consisted of a replay of the US – Slovenia match with an attached note: “I could do no worse.”
According to rumors, England’s keeper Robert Green is looking to avoid a painful return to England after the World Cup. After the gaff against the United States costing his team two points, Greene is said to be looking for a profession that does not require the use of hands.
”I heard that in the NFL, kickers don’t have much to do and don’t ever have to use their hands. I know one of the US keepers had a stint with some NFL team as a kicker and was really respected for it. I’d like that.”
Rumors place the Buffalo Bills as the front runner for the English keeper’s services. According to the reports, the Bills are used to kickers making critical mistakes and offer a welcoming environment for those types of errors.
Latest: According to rumors from the England Dressing Room, Green stated "I'd like to leave now."
Dear Amerikay: Sorry the refs buggered you, but you know what? Ye can cry us a fuckin' river, that's what.
NEW YORK, NY: Widely respected NBA referee Dick Bavetta commented on widespread derision heaped upon referee Koman Coulibaly's decision to disallow a third U.S. goal late in their 2-2 draw with Slovenia: "I saw nothing wrong with the call. Looked like a totally legitimate call to me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make balloon animals for Sepp Blatter and David Stern's grandkids."
Gets switched to overload.
And nobody's gonna win the match today,
Hee's going to make them draw instead.
Bob Bradley doesn't understand it,
He really thought that it was a goal.
And he can see no reason
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to disallow
The whole damn day.
The telex machine is kept so clean
As it types to a waiting world.
And Landon feels so shocked,
Edu's world is rocked,
And their thoughts turn to
Their own little ref.
The round of 16 ain't so peachy keen,
No, it ain't so neat to admit defeat.
They can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to be shown?
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.
All the playing's stopped at Ellis Park now
He wants to play with his toys a while.
And the match ended early and soon we'll be learning
And the lesson today is how to tie.
And then the tannoy crackles,
And the manager crackles,
With the problems and the how's and why's.
And he can see no reasons
'Cause there are no reasons
What reason do you need to tie?
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
Tell me why?
I don't like Fridays.
I want to shoot
The whole day down.
17 June 2010
Do Not Trust This ManRESTON, VA: In an exclusive interview with MLS Rumors Rumors, Dave Thomasson, a Northern Virginia man widely known for his passionate love of both DC United and the United States national team, expressed his recent struggle to reconcile his love of the Nats with his burning hatred of the man he refers to only as "Cheatin' Bob":
MLS Rumors²: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dave. Why don't you start from the beginning: why exactly do you hate Bob Bradley so much? After all, didn't his coaching career start as an assistant at DC United?
Dave Thomasson: He did start at DC...and that only makes what he did even harder to stomach...it was back in July 2003, and Cheatin' Bob was coaching the Metroscum in a game against DC at RFK. It was balls hot, and MLS still had that Mickey Mouse overtime rule. They also had a Mickey Mouse "fourth sub" rule, that allowed a team to make a fourth substitution, but only for the 'keeper. You know, so if your keeper blows out his ACL after you burned your last sub, you aren't hung out to dry, right?
MLSR²: Right, I remember that.
DT: Yeah, well, like I said, it's balls hot, and both teams have used up their three standard subs...and the game is tied at the end of regulation. So in OT, that cheating bastard has Eddie fucking Gaven sub in for a field player, but he takes Tim Howard's keeper jersey and comes on in goal. Like, 30 seconds later the ball goes out of play, and as soon as play stops, Gaven and Howard trade jerseys and Howard goes back to goal. Total fucking bullshit. And *then*, because it's fucking hot as the balls on Satan's rottweiler, and everyone else is gassed, Gaven makes a fucking fifty-yard run and scores the winner. It was fucking cheating bullshit, and it was all Cheatin' Bob's doing.
MLSR²: Which brings us to the World Cup, right?
DT: Right. I mean, I love the Nats. The MNT are, like, my heroes, man. I've got a United tattoo on my left shoulder, but I've got the 1950 USMNT crest tattooed on my heart, man. No lie, check it out! [ed. He wasn't kidding.] So I was all set to take out a home equity loan and go to South Africa to follow the Yanks...but then I was watching a qualifier...the one against T&T in Nashville? And they showed a closeup of Cheatin' Bob's face, and it was like a dam broke, you know? Like I'd repressed all these memories for so long, and then the hate just bubbled up, like oil from a blown-out BP well...and I just stood up in the middle of the bar - I was watching at Kitty's in Arlington, right? I just stood up, and started screaming at the TV: "BRADLEY! You fucking cheat! You fucking worthless, no-good, cheating bastard! Fuck you, Bob! Fuck you and your little cheating bitch boy Gaven! You fucking cheats!"
MLSR²: Wow. So were people a little freaked out?
DT: That's the weird thing, man. People started cheering me on! Everyone in the bar was started chanting "CHEAT! CHEAT! CHEAT!" It was seriously cathartic, man.
MLSR²: So you bailed on South Africa?
DT: I just couldn't, man.
MLSR²: You hate Bradley that much?
DT: No, I mean, I literally couldn't. My house is completely underwater - there's no way I could get a home equity loan...
15 June 2010
Little Steven was kinda being a dick during the early games, you know, talking shit to all the Greeks and Argentines, but whatever, you know? That's just Steven, he's a dick.
Then we got into the pre-game stuff for the U.S. game...Oh man, he took it up a notch. He was standing up on a bar stool, and it was all, "You'd be German!" and "Lend Lease was Limey welfare, Lend Lease was Limey welfare, oh-way oh-way, oh-way oh-way!" I mean, they let that slide, because it was kinda funny, in a douchetastic sorta way...but then the game started, and Gerrard scored right away, and that kinda took the crowd out of it. So Little Steven was up on his stool, and no one's following his chants, or joining in his songs, or whatever. I mean, the best he could get out of people was a really half-assed "U-S-A" chant. It was sad, really...but Little Steven just fucking FREAKED, man...he starts laying into people, you know? Like, shit like, "Fucking sing, you fucking pussies! What the fuck? Sing, bitches, fucking SING!"
Little Steven puts on his game face.
I mean, it was really making people uncomfortable, right? So he's just up on his stool, making an ass of himself, and finally this guy standing right next to him - and seriously, this dude was almost as tall as Little Steven, only without standing on a bar stool, you know? I mean, dude was *huge*, right? So this big dude just looks at Little Steven, and he says, real loud, "Dude, you know the team can't fucking tell if we're singing or not, right?" And everyone in the place just busts out laughing...and then Little Steven just fucking jumped on the dude. Like, just fucking jumped on him and tried to start whaling on him...so the big dude just like walks towards the door, with Little Steven hanging on him, and the crowd just fucking parts, like the Red fucking Sea, right? People are like, "Yo, what?" And the bid dude just gets to the front door, plucks Little Steven off like he was a fucking Chihuahua, chucks him out onto the sidewalk, turns, and walks back into the bar.
Little Steven spent, like, the next 20 minutes trying to get back in, but the dude working the door was all, "Sorry, bro, but we're over capacity, Fire Marshall won't let anyone else in." Finally he just gave up and left. I'd say it was kinda sad, but for real? I haven't stopped laughing about it, man. Just watching that little dude, all dressed up like Uncle Sam's Mini-Me, getting thrown out onto the street like a rag doll after calling everyone in that whole bar pussies for not singing at a fucking television.
10 June 2010
As we totally would have informed you first if we had actually posted it instead of forgetting, Sacha Kljestan is off to Belgium. He was unsuspectingly coming out of the hair salon when we totally ambushed him TMZ-Style and asked him some questions:
Q: What are you most looking forward to in Belgium?
A: French fries. I totally heard that they aren't actually from France but from Belgium. I'm so all over that.
Q: Really? Not the girls, the fame, the fact that Onyewu got picked up by AC Milan after playing in Belgium?
A: Dude, I'm like a total French Fry connoisseur. Did you know that there are 463 ways to make French Fries?
Q: No we did not. But really, about the football in Belgium.
A: There are the slow fry, flash fry, quick fry, deep fried, peanut oil fried, canola oil fried...
He went on for another ten minutes before getting into his 2010 Lexus with new car tags and driving off into the Los Angeles smog.
Spartans! Tonight we Ice each other IN HELL!!1!one!!1eleven!MOUNT PLEASANT, WASHINGTON, DC:
The local brah-halla known by its occupants as "Sparta" and the "Temple of Broseidon" has announced that it will be hosting numerous viewing parties during the upcoming month-long World Cup tournament. The residents of the house, made infamous by a recent roommate-wanted ad on craigslist, told MLS Rumors² that they expected to use the parties as a means of "slaying mad foreign bitches":
I mean, we always just figured soccer was for fags, and not cock diesel bros like us, but then our recent international brotege, Sergio, totally schooled us. He went to see some Italian team play whatever the hell the team here is called, the Uniteds or something, and he, like, totally brought home these two SMOKING hot foreign chicks. We were all, Brah, is there any more soccer coming up? And he was like, my Brosephs, the World Cup is, like, totally about to start. We were all, the Kingdom of Brah is there, bro! Then he said it's in South Africa, so we were all, let's fire up the 60" LED and bring on the foreign chicks! Plus, Sergio totally works at the World Bank, brah, so we're gonna be swimming in foreign tail! It's gonna be Teddy Brosevelt leading the Rough Riders all over again, yo!Via further inquiries, MLS Rumors² has confirmed that the Temple of Broseidon will be converting its protein shake blenders into "Brah-garita blenders" for the duration of the World Cup.
In a statement, the local fan said:
“I could do a bar in Baltimore, but there's the crowd factor, the driving home an hour or so after drinking and (probably) losing factor so it's less appealing. I doubt any places in Hanover will do anything special so I'll probably end up in the basement alone, drinking and swearing.”
The local fan rejected such long distance treks as Washington DC, New York, or even Philadelphia (probably due to the influence of the Sons of Ben upon the local soccer scene). He is committed to swearing and drinking throughout the match. At this stage, we believe he may be working out a in-game text message companion.
08 June 2010
"We were totally bummed man. This is, like, the best time to connect with foreign hotties, and we really weren't interested in seeing her employers and their two little brats" said Jordan, the host of the upcoming festivities.
Popular internet message board service, BigSoccer.com was rife with speculation as to how the injury occurred. Some posters, like DeuceizDAMan84 suggested that perhaps one of the children ran past the young woman and knocked her down the stairs. Others, like 3 year member GoochBigelow suggested more prurient and outrageous possibilities involving grooming implements and slick bathroom tile floors.
When asked, the young Nanny claimed to be practicing her bicycle kicks in the back alley and landing awkwardly on her shoulder. She is says she will miss up to 2 weeks of prime chillaxing time at nerdy American male domiciles. It is her hope that by the time the knock-out stage commences, she will have a better offer from more a mature and comfortably situated man.
When confronted by the crisis, Sunil Gulati tried in vain to calm down the panicky fanatics.
The US Soccer supremo quietly suggested that Jordan and his band of smoothies put in an emergency call to the nanny service to see if any acceptable replacements lived within a 1 hour drive of the party location. Luckily, a trio of possible replacements were located. Unluckily, the three potential fill-ins saw creepy photos of Jordan on Facebook involving a bandanna, a Clint Dempsey bobble-head, a spent road flare, and a shocking lack of appropriate undergarments.
05 June 2010
As has been reported before every World Cup in recent memory, players, coaches, and goalkeepers are complaining about the new ball. While this is not news to anyone, we here at MLS Rumors² have done some digging about why the ball is so "lively".
Adidas has decided to put a hamster in every ball! That is right, a live hamster in every Jubalani ball!
According to an anonymous Adidas source:
"We got the word from FIFA to make the ball a bit more exciting. Our technicians worked for 10 years and we were still no further along than our 2006 Teamgeist ball. Then Hans von Deinkle was at home with his kids looking at his hamster roll around the floor. Inspiration struck and now we've got a ball that really changes the game."
According to the Adidas technicians, the hamster is perfectly cushioned inside a hermetically sealed SafeTZone™.
"This SafeTZone™ protects the hamster during the match to prevent them from feeling any of the impacts on the ball from feet, hands, knees, and heads. Additionally, the inside has been lined with HamsterFutter™ brand feed, so that the hamster has the energy necessary for a full 90 minute match. We don't want to see one of our balls go to sleep during the match. HamsterFutter™ has all the nutrients and stimulants that a hamster could want to make sure it has the stuff to go a full 90 minutes at such an important event."
After each match, the hamsters are removed from the ball and taken to the super secret FIFAHamsterZonePlayZone™ for rest and relaxation until the next match.
01 June 2010
The players' father, Henry, is enraged by coach Bob Bradley's decision not to take both of his sons to South Africa - and he now wants both of them to quit the squad permanently.
Jamar Beasley in his U.S. kit. Yeah, yeah, it's a futsal kit, but try telling that to DaMarcus.
Henry, who is not a former professional player, said: "DaMarcus is very hurt and he wants to be at home with us. He is there now and he's not well. We don't know if he will play (at the World Cup) or not. We still don't know anything.''
Jamar is also set to quit international football over the snub - something his father completely agrees with. "Jamar told me that he is going to quit the U.S. team and I don't want him playing for them anymore anyway,'' Henry added. "Also, my understanding is that the grapes in South Africa are so sour as to be virtually inedible, so Jamar didn't want them, anyway. Now if you will excuse me, I need to find my ball so I can take it and go home...that's right, screw you guys, I'm going home."
27 May 2010
Kevin Payne, Dave Kasper, and Curt Onalfo have taken issue with MLS over the value of Wednesday Night's match against AC Milan. The DC United management team is wondering why they have not received some compensation in the MLS league standings for their heroic victory over the Italian side. After dropping 8 of their first nine matches, the team is desparate for any and all points that can be assigned.
"You saw our players giving their all against one of the best teams in the world. How can that be for naught?"
When reached for comment, MLS supremo and general ruler of MLSsoccer.com Don Garber may well have said something like:
"They don't know that it is supposed to be a damn show. They think it is a damn fight."
"Look, if FIFA didn't have this number, this 23, I'd have probably only selected 16 or 17 of these guys. Some are clearly make weight."
Guzan: Better pack some Cup O' Soup, because Supper Is For Starters
However, in response to rampant speculation about the specifics, Bradley said only:
"I have no desire to out those individuals that would fall off the team if not required to bring 23. I don't traffic in idle gossip. I'm not a rumor monger. If you want to read that kind of trash, stick to MLS Rumors Rumors. That said, we haven't bothered assigning Robbie Findley a jersey number, and Brad Guzan won't even be issued a uniform at all. Those guys are more than welcome to eat with the team, though...well, breakfast anyway, and maybe lunch. Dinner, they're on their own, because Nike clearly stated that 'Supper is for starters and subs only,' so feeding guys like that, well, it's just not in the budget."
26 May 2010
"It is like Bob Bradley personally spat in my face." stated one disgruntled Houston Dynamo Fan.
Speculation on whether Hawaiian Governor Linda Lingle will make a call to another famous Hawaiian, President Barack Obama, is rampant.
"We know that Bob Bradley and some others will be meeting with the Big Kahuna himself. If he could just drop a line, like 'hey, you know that Gitmo is nice this time of year' or 'Why are there no Hawaiians on the team?', maybe Bob will change his mind. Otherwise, Hawaii will have to yet again face the prospect of no representation at the World Cup!"
The front office of the Houston Dynamo should probably say:
"While we are tremendously pleased to have Brian Ching back in our side for our upcoming games, he was really looking forward to the World Cup. We will be toning our orange jersey's to half blinding for the duration of the Cup to honor him. Unless he blows another hamstring or misses a bunch of goals, in which case, we will admit that Bob Bradley does really know all."
US Soccer Fans around the country are eagerly waiting the announcement from National Team Coach Bob Bradley that will send them to the heights of despair. With the 23 man roster for the World Cup announcement at 13:00 (1 PM EDT), fans are stocking up on their quips, hyperbole, and threats of boycott.
In a pre-announcement rant, one fan said:
"I know that he is going to take someone that doesn't deserve to play on my Sunday Rec League side. You know, someone like Bornstein, Torres, or Rogers. Those guys suck! I can do what they do out there!
Other fans were quick to reign him back into control. Saying, "Wait for the announcement, you don't want to get out all your despair too early."
Some fans have taken the extreme position in order to enhance their post-announcement hyperbole.
"I could pick a squad from these guys that would win the World Cup without breaking a sweat. But I doubt that Bob Bradley has the talent or skills to evaluate them properly. He'll end up taking guys that just don't belong and others that won't get selected would shine!
We here at MLS Rumors Rumors of course have the inside scoop on the selection process and have it on speculation that Bradley is purposefully spurning the fans with his 23.
24 May 2010
ReAL Salt Lake have long sought a coach to match their cosmopolitan setting and Mourinho has long been the man in their sights to lead the club to glory in CONCACAF Champions League play.
After leading Inter to an unprecedented treble of Serie A, Coppa Italia and Champions League titles last night, Mourinho said: "It was difficult to leave Chelsea and it will be sad to leave Inter. Inter is my home in the same way Chelsea was my home. But that’s life, that’s football.
"Now I have two homes, Stamford Bridge and San Siro. And now I will have a third home – probably the Rio Tinto. If you don’t coach ReAL Salt Lake then you always have a gap in your career. Only ReAL are interested in me but I haven’t spoken with anyone and I haven’t signed anything. I promised I’d speak after the final."
Mourinho flew back to Milan to celebrate last night’s triumph with his players, but Inter president Massimo Moratti stayed behind in Salt Lake, probably to thrash out a deal with ReAL boss Dave Checketts. Mourinho said he would talk to Checketts this week.
"The day after tomorrow (I will speak to him)," he said.
"I don’t know the project yet, so I have to hear the project. ReAL is an enormous club, a club that wants the same as me; I want to win, I want to feel important, I want to keep winning."
The Utah media are reporting that a deal is already done, with the Deseret News claiming the Portuguese coach had come to an agreement with ReAL president Dave Checketts on Friday.
The Salt Lake City Tribune, which headlined “ReAL Salt Lake recruits a champion”, said the new coach of the MLS giants would be unveiled on either Tuesday or Wednesday.
The two papers concurred that the length of the contract would be four years, with the former Chelsea coach netting $10 million a season.
Some Inter players could also follow Mourinho to Madrid, according to the papers, notably Brazilian right-back Maicon and Argentinian striker Diego Milito, the former Zaragoza player who scored a brace against Bayern on Saturday.
Mourinho, who also guided Porto to European glory in 2004, follows Ernst Happel and Ottmar Hitzfeld as a member of the select band of coaches to have won the Champions League with two different clubs.
21 May 2010
After years of scouting and hiring Argentinean players, DC United is making a move to hire a coach from the soccer mad country. Sources willing to remain anonymous and speculative suggested that the club was waiting until after the world cup to “get their man”.
”Our current target has some duties until the end of the World Cup and then we are looking to announce him to the world. Trust us, he is a name you will all recognize.”
DC United’s disappointing season has brought them to the brink of this dramatic action and with the mid-season firing of Onalfo only one vote of confidence away, the team is planning for the future. Speculation surrounds the current Argentinean National Team coach, Diego Maradonna. He has the playing experience, the language skills, and if Argentina fails to impress at the Cup, incentive to leave Argentina before the mob gets him.
Could he be the next mid-season Argentinean import for DC United?
19 May 2010
As we have been reporting all along, media reports of Thierry Henry's pending transfer to MLS have taken a big step forward. The Boston Globe is reporting that an MLS official confirmed the speculation that will send the French forward to the US after the World Cup. We here at MLS Rumors Rumors are proud to say that we helped break the story and bring it to you, first-ish.
According to the speculation, Thierry Henry believes that his handling techniques are uniquely suited for the debacle that is the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey and he is looking forward to pouting, diving, and generally making fun of the referees in MLS.
"I am particularly, eh, looking forward to meeting up with this, how you say, Abbey Okulaja. I, eh, believes that he would buy my nod, shuffle, handball even if I were to do it five centimeters from his face."
According to sources that may understand Spanish, the Mexican Futbol Federation is looking to move to the United States. Sources report that the Mexican Federation's success at drawing large crowds in the United States has them contemplating a move north. The plan would be to challenge the US Soccer's right to represent the United States at FIFA events.
A representative speculating on the Mexican Federations position said:
"We have done our research. According to documents uncovered, FIFA has a clause for minorities. We are going to talk to Diamond Jack about getting us in under this clause. We should be representing the territory of the United States within the next World Cup cycle."
MLS Rumors Rumors could not confirm the use of evil laughter after the above speculation. US Soccer officials were unavailable for contact after rumored to be "wining and dining" people in South Africa.
18 May 2010
A picture of Bob Bradley before the hexing.
According to rumors surrounding the United States National Team coach, he has been feeling hot flashes in his limbs and head areas. He has also been suffering from needling pains throughout his body. These events occur usually in the evening and are suspected to be the result of a voodoo doll hex placed upon the coach.
Bob Bradley suffering from a hotflash.
Suspects include a number of players unhappy about not being selected to Bob Bradley’s squad preparing for the World Cup in South Africa. At this time the list of potential players includes the likes of Freddy Adu, Charlie Davies, Jeff Cuningham, Kyle Beckerman, and Troy Perkins and we are expecting more to join as Bob Bradley releases another seven players to comply with the 23 man roster requirement.
14 May 2010
And here we thought that the Internationally renowned and respected and most positively the best football news site MLS Rumors Rumors had the monopoly on half-truths, lies, and general satire.
“Our numbers are awesome. Before us, MLS was about as popular as USL-2! We put them on the map. No one had ever heard of the Los Angeles Galaxy or DC United before we came along. We are so cool! We have more fans in our pinky finger than most clubs in their whole bodies.”
The small minority that believed Seattle fans [are not the best in MLS -ed.] were asked to please leave or face ultraviolence because they were obviously corporate shills looking to infiltrate the “movement”.
13 May 2010
Y'all are just a bunch of whiny-ass titty babies. You stupid fanbois need to realize that Charlie Davies suffered serious injuries, and never had any chance of making the preliminary roster of 30 players, let alone the final 23. Never. There was no chance. This is real life, you dumbass Polyannas. Real. Fucking. Life.
What, you think just because nearly all of our reporting leading up to the roster announcement indicated that Davies would be in the 30, that meant you should get your hopes up? How fucking naive are you? Wait, wait, that wasn't a rhetorical question: you are extremely naive. If you were Very Serious, like we are, you'd understand that there never was any hope of Davies making it to Princeton, let alone South Africa.
Hah hah! Silly little fanbois! WUSS laughs at your childish dreams!
What, you think that just because our own reporting now indicates that Davies was under serious consideration until just a few days ago, when the President of Davies's club sent a letter to the USSF saying that Davies is not medically cleared by the club, and that they would therefore not release him, that means that he ever had a prayer of making the 30? Please. Grow up and get serious. Your childish anger only makes you more pathetic.
To sum up, the fact that so many of you were completely blindsided by Davies's exclusion from the roster has nothing whatsoever to do with WUSS completely blowing the story, and everything to do with your own childish imaginations. Grow the fuck up, losers.
The internationally renowned MLS Rumors Rumors website is apparently not on the favorites list of at least one Houston Dynamo fan. According to a post on the well appreciated and popular website, Houston Dynamo fans do not find the brand of hilarity posited in the various articles to be enough to cause laughter.
We of course will continue to report on these developments. MLS Rumors Rumors never sleeps!