Breaking: SAF Endorses Curt Onalfo

With the season slipping away quickly from DC United, Curt Onalfo has received a huge boost of confidence from one of his peers. In a hurried response to a random question, Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson had this to say about Curt Onalfo:

“I like Curt. I like his approach. I think he’s got a steely determination about him. I think he’s done a fantastic job. I’m surprised DC United have not sprinted to his house to get him a new contract.”

In other news, Sir Alex has also endorsed Raymond Domenech, Maradona, Greg Andrulis, and Fernando Clavijo.

Breaking: DC United Interested In Argentinean Coach

After years of scouting and hiring Argentinean players, DC United is making a move to hire a coach from the soccer mad country. Sources willing to remain anonymous and speculative suggested that the club was waiting until after the world cup to “get their man”.

”Our current target has some duties until the end of the World Cup and then we are looking to announce him to the world. Trust us, he is a name you will all recognize.”

DC United’s disappointing season has brought them to the brink of this dramatic action and with the mid-season firing of Onalfo only one vote of confidence away, the team is planning for the future. Speculation surrounds the current Argentinean National Team coach, Diego Maradonna. He has the playing experience, the language skills, and if Argentina fails to impress at the Cup, incentive to leave Argentina before the mob gets him.

Could he be the next mid-season Argentinean import for DC United?

Breaking: DC United Front Office Struck with Injury Bug

According to the screaming heard in and around RFK Stadium, the injury bug has moved beyond the team and is now afflicting the front office of troubled DC United. In a freak stapler incident, both Curt Onalfo and Stephen Zack were injured. The injuries are apparently minor but will keep both men from using a stapler for four to six weeks. Goalkeeping coach Mark Simpson stubbed his toe and is reported to be unable to stand without wincing and is expected to be out for as many as three weeks. Additionally, we have it on the low down that at least three interns have voice issues from apologizing to irate callers and will be given light administrative duties until they recover within the next week.