14 May 2010

Breaking: Tabloid Touts Transfer for Thierry

That's right, The Sun, the hallmark of integrity and truth, is bringing us the news that Thierry Henry has his bags packed and his ticket bought for a trip to play for the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey. Of course, this does leave a some questions: how can a story about a rumored "pre-contract" hold the truth when they cannot even get the easily verifiable facts correct. Among the factual errors, Thierry Henry scored 226 goals for the Gunners instead of the reported 174 (which doesn't even match the 184 scored by everyone's hero Ian Wright). Basics people, basics... How soon is Thierry Henry to arrive? Will he bring others? How did this blind squirrel find this nut?

And here we thought that the Internationally renowned and respected and most positively the best football news site MLS Rumors Rumors had the monopoly on half-truths, lies, and general satire.

New Item: Seattle Fans Most Awesome According to Local Polls

Surprisingly, fans of Seattle Sounders FC believe that they are the best fans in the league, according to a poll taken at a drinking establishment in downtown Seattle. Results indicate that 95% of Seattle fans believe their club is not only the best on the field but also off the field. They cited things like the cool colors and the anti-corporate messages as reasons the Seattle fans are far superior to other MLS fans.

“Our numbers are awesome. Before us, MLS was about as popular as USL-2! We put them on the map. No one had ever heard of the Los Angeles Galaxy or DC United before we came along. We are so cool! We have more fans in our pinky finger than most clubs in their whole bodies.”

The small minority that believed Seattle fans [are not the best in MLS -ed.] were asked to please leave or face ultraviolence because they were obviously corporate shills looking to infiltrate the “movement”.

13 May 2010

Writers Union Condemns "Unserious, Emotional" Fans

NEW YORK, 13 May 2010: The Writers Union of Soccer Scribes (WUSS) today released a statement regarding fan reaction to the exclusion of forward Charlie Davies from the U.S. World Cup roster:

Y'all are just a bunch of whiny-ass titty babies. You stupid fanbois need to realize that Charlie Davies suffered serious injuries, and never had any chance of making the preliminary roster of 30 players, let alone the final 23. Never. There was no chance. This is real life, you dumbass Polyannas. Real. Fucking. Life.

What, you think just because nearly all of our reporting leading up to the roster announcement indicated that Davies would be in the 30, that meant you should get your hopes up? How fucking naive are you? Wait, wait, that wasn't a rhetorical question: you are extremely naive. If you were Very Serious, like we are, you'd understand that there never was any hope of Davies making it to Princeton, let alone South Africa.

Hah hah! Silly little fanbois! WUSS laughs at your childish dreams!

What, you think that just because our own reporting now indicates that Davies was under serious consideration until just a few days ago, when the President of Davies's club sent a letter to the USSF saying that Davies is not medically cleared by the club, and that they would therefore not release him, that means that he ever had a prayer of making the 30? Please. Grow up and get serious. Your childish anger only makes you more pathetic.

To sum up, the fact that so many of you were completely blindsided by Davies's exclusion from the roster has nothing whatsoever to do with WUSS completely blowing the story, and everything to do with your own childish imaginations. Grow the fuck up, losers.

Breaking: Houston Fans Not Amused by Internet Web Site

The internationally renowned MLS Rumors Rumors website is apparently not on the favorites list of at least one Houston Dynamo fan. According to a post on the well appreciated and popular website, Houston Dynamo fans do not find the brand of hilarity posited in the various articles to be enough to cause laughter.

We of course will continue to report on these developments. MLS Rumors Rumors never sleeps!

Unsurprising: Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey Location Confuses Fans

Where is it? That is what Red Bull New York Red Bulls Fans of Harrison, New Jersey are saying about the new state of the art facility. Apparently, they are staying away in droves because they simply cannot find the stadium and are confused if they should be driving to New York or New Jersey.

One fan claimed, “I’ve been to the Newark area before. It was like run down warehouse, abandoned building, gas station, ratty old shop, and then I got car jacked. I only go there to get the airport and in those situations, I hire Brinks Security to run me out there.”

Said another lost fan: “Are they New York or Harrison, New Jersey? I get so confused with their name. Ever since that New York – New Jersey thing back in 1996, I’m just not sure where they are. I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t ever have to cross the river.”

12 May 2010

Rumor: Red Bulls’ Market Research Study Rejects New Flavor

Sources that have seen Red Bull are aware that perhaps the company has been experimenting with new flavors. In an ever saturated “energy drink” market, Red Bull’s limitation of a single flavor has been a hindrance to exploding into the pre-toddler market. Rumors abound that Red Bull corporate has been looking to co-brand their new flavors for each of their football, skiing, racing, and extreme sports teams. However, while Red Bulls Salzburg, Austria has been market tested to great enjoyment, we have heard that Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey has not won any fans in testing.

“It sort of looks ok on the outside but once you drink it. Man, I couldn’t tell if the initial shockingly bad taste was worse than the lingering horrid aftertaste. It was putrid. The flavor almost tries to get you to drink other energy drinks just to get that taste out of your mouth.”

According to company spokesmen, who probably said nothing on the issue,
“We tried to capture the essence of our Red Bull New York franchise. We look at this product in the New York region and say, we need to build more awareness in the marketplace. The new flavor would ideally provide drinkers with a good sense of their future experiences at Red Bull Arena in the New York region. We are looking to perhaps introduce some European influence into the current formulation to make it a more favorable experience for our future fans.”

11 May 2010

Rumor: War of Words Heats Up Between Seattle and DC

After the shocking reports that Seattle Sounders FC would return money to their season ticketholders for their pathetic display in the 4:0 loss at home to the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California, DC United Supremo and Generally Boss of All Things Kevin Payne claimed that Seattle was weak for admitting their defects. According to speculation, Mr. Payne stated:

“These guys are crass amateurs. Apologizing to fans about poor play? What is this a rec league? Did you hear us come out and tell our fans ‘sorry’ after we got shellacked 4:0 in Kansas? Or 2:0 at home against the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey? No. And why? Because we win trophies!”

Rumors from RFK suggest that DC United might actually raise ticket prices on matches the team wins. They are expecting to charge an additional $5 “winner’s surcharge” to all fans in order to exit the stadium. They hope to use this money to buy a single SuperTall Half-Latte Half-Espresso Gigante.