25 July 2008

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. II {{updated}}

Ivan Gazidis: This is really beautiful.
Mo: Well, look at this. It used to decorate the palace of a king.
Gazidis: Oh, yeah; very nice.
Mo: Why didnae you say you worked for Garber, Gazidis? I thought ye were just some cheap two-bit hustler Brian was running in tryin’ tae bluff me.
Gazidis: I don't like to use his name unless it's really necessary.
Mo: How's yer whisky, Ivan?
Gazidis: Fine.
Mo: Hey, come on over here wi’ me; I wanna show ye something really beautiful. Ye do appreciate beauty, don't ye?
There ye are, $600,000 on four hooves. I bet a Roossian Czar never paid that kindae dough for a single horse. Souness. Souness. I'm nay gonna race him, though. I'm gonnae put him out to stud.
Gazidis: He's beautiful.
Mo: [to stablehand] Thankee, Tony.
Tony Meola: You're welcome...
Mo: [to Gazidis] Let's get something to eat, eh?
[break in tape]
Gazidis: Mr. Garber is Brian’s godfather. To the league office, that's a very religious, sacred, close relationship.
Mo: I respect that; just tell him he should ask me anything else. But this is one favor I canna give him.
Gazidis: He doesn't ask a second favor once he's been refused the first, understood?
Mo: You donnae understand. Brian McBride n’er plays for the Fire. That team is perfect for him, it'll make him a big star, and I'm gonnae run him out of the business - and let me tell you why: Brian McBride ruined one of TFC's most valuable sales reps. For two years we had her under contract - singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonnae make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-c***, and that it's nay all pounds and shillings: She was beautiful; she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had it all over the world. And then Brian McBride comes along with his chiseled chin and midwestern manners, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position cannae afford to be made to look ridiculous! No, you get the hell out of here. And ye tell that goomba that if he wants to try any rough stuff that I ain't no Nick Sakiewicz. Aye, I heard that story…
Gazidis: Thank you for the dinner and a very pleasant evening. If your car could take me to the airport; Mr. Garber is a man who insists on hearing bad news immediately.

[break in tape]



Looks like Ivan's trip to visit Mo paid off.

Behind the Scenes of the McBride Deal, Pt. I

MLS Rumors Rumors has received an exclusive insider's account of the real story behind Brian McBride's pending move to Chicago. Our source secretly recorded some of the key meetings at MLS HQ, and has provided us with the transcripts:

Meeting 1:
McBride: I don't know what to do. My kneecap is -- is weak. It's weak. Anyway, uh, if I was playing for the Fire, ya'know, it puts me right back up on top again. But this, uh -- this man out there, he won't trade my allocation rights; the GM of TFC.

The Don:
What's his name?

Johnston. Johnston. He won't give it to me -- and ah, he says there's no chance. No chance. A couple months ago he picked up my allocation rights. I'm a returning national team player -- and Chicago, it's where I'm from. I uh -- I wouldn't even have to try -- just stand there while Blanco bounces balls off my head. Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

The Don: [SLAP!] YOU CAN ACT LIKE A *MAN*! What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out? A British finocchio that ah cries like a woman? What can I do?! What can I do?! What is that nonsense? Ridiculous.


The Don: You want to spend time with your family in Chicago?

McBride: Sure I do.

The Don: Good. Because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.


The Don: Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while. And in a month from now, this -- Scottish bigshot's gonna give you what you want.

McBride: It's too late. The season's already more than half over.

The Don: I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse. Now you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and ah, forget about all this nonsense. I want you to leave it all to me.

NEXT: The Don's offer!

24 July 2008

RUMOR: DC-Houston in St. Louis in 2009?

Rating: 5 (Check it, it's gold...You know what, yegg? I believe you.)

With Commissioner Garber set to hold a press conference this afternoon morning [ed: what can I say...see previous post re: hangovers], MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that he plans to announce a bombshell: In order to avoid further bad mojo related to next year's Houston-at-DC fixture, the league will be moving the match to St. Louis. "The match will serve as a measure of St. Louis' interest in an MLS expansion franchise," said Bill the Beerman, who is close friends with Sammy the Stocker, who stocks the beer and sodas in the suite used by Commissioner Garber when he attends matches at RFK Stadium. "The Commish' really thinks they're ready. He's especially impressed that they've already got their own supporters' group, the Sons of Lindbergh. They're supposed to be even more hardcore than the Kolumbus Krew Kids."

(Pictured: The Sons of Lindbergh at a recent pep rally promoting St. Louis as a possible MLS expansion city.)

BREAKING: MLS Rumors Rumors Staff May Be Hungover

Rating: 2 (Hazy as Hell)

We're hearing from the voices in our head that at least two members of the MLS Rumors Rumors staff attended last night's Roma-cursed excused for a soccer match at RFK Stadium, and that they may, in fact, be nursing hangovers this morning as a result. Said the voices, "What the hell were you thinking?" The voices also noted that a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich for breakfast was "probably not a good choice."

Bigsoccer down, attack launched by Kolumbus Krew Kids

Bigsoccer.com, one of the largest soccer-related sites on the internet, is "currently performing routine maintenance and upgrades on the site."

That's just their lame excuse as the site admins try to figure out who launched a denial of service attack. Rumor has it that noted Neo-Nazi fans group Kolumbus Krew Kids, aka KKK, are behind the outage.

Stay tuned as more info unfolds.

23 July 2008

MLS Identifies New Referee Trainer

Rating: 3 (Stone-Cold Lock)

Executives at MLS are apparently excited about their target for training MLS referees. This was an unexpected move for MLS, who really had not been searching for someone to work to improve the referee situation. Normally, the USSF provides the training for MLS referees, but sources at MLS HQ indicated that the change was brought on by an amazing set of circumstances this morning in Washington DC. Long-time columnist Robert Novak struck a pedestrian with his corvette this morning and, in a dramatic turn of events, not only did not notice but actually continued to drive with the pedestrian splayed across the car's hood. Novak was apparently completely oblivious to the situation. Our source's bartender tells us that MLS executives found this blatant disregard for an infraction appealing and are hopeful that Novak can bring this level of indifference and lack of awareness to MLS referees: "Look, with this kind of ability, all of our referees could be on par with Abbey [Okulaja]."

BREAKING: MLS Rumors to Publish "David Duke: Crew Supporter" Interview

Rating: 4 (muthaf*ckin' tizzight)

In the wake of the Guardian's condescending and ill-informed gripping un-researched snark-fest exposé regarding the Massive Soccer Riot at Crew Stadium "at" the weekend, MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that MLS Rumors is planning to publish an interview with Crew Fanboy David Duke.

"We heard a rumor that the Crew will be re-branding as the Krew, which isn't what we meant when we told them to Get. It. Together." Said our source. "So we decided to interview David Duke to get his reaction, and it turns out - no surprise - that he's a big-time Krew supporter. This interview will blow the lid off of the seamy underbelly of institutionalized hate that seethes in the jack-booted nordecke!

"Did I mention that Krew fans are all Nazis? Because they are.


22 July 2008

Sheffield United in Shock Ronaldo Swoop?

Sheffield United FC officials would have no comment today on rumors surfacing in the English steel town regarding a possible swoop - albeit a complicated one - to pry Ronaldo away from Manchester United in a 3-team deal with Real Madrid.

No one will speak on the record about this yet, given the sensitivity of the player and the complicated financials involved, but word around Brammall Lane has Sheffield United offering Real Madrid 90% ownership of the club and all its assets, while the Spanish giants would send Manchester United Robinho and Casillas to make the cash amount (still £100 million) a bit more manageable. We all know that £100 million doesn't go as far as it used to. The total transfer value would be in the neighborhood of £150 million.

United would feels Robinho would fit right in, and Madrid would rebrand the Sheffield outfit into a near team named Real Sheffield FC. Fans around the pubs are said to be unhappy that the club's history could be sold in the effort to have a Portuguese playmaker on the field, but Madrid have apparently agreed to keep the club's red, white, and black colors, and will still hate Sheffield Wednesday and Leeds United.

Ronaldo hasn't yet commented on the move, but also hasn't ruled out joining Real Sheffield FC. The club are desperate to get out of the English Championship, feeling hard done by due to the Tevez/West Ham affair at the conclusion of the 2006-07 season. The Blades lacked a true playmaker last season, and weren't as dangerous on attack as fans and the back room staff would have liked, despite the efforts of James Beattie.

More on this story as it develops ...

Breaking: Chinaglia's Got Warrants!

Oh, wait...uh...this one's actually true.

In that case: HA-HA!

Oh Happy Day! This calls for a little celebration, Cosmos-style!

Landon Donovan Stoked

According to SuperAgentDan Motzkin, Landon Donovan has drawn significant interest from the leading clubs of Engerland.

"The older I get and the more I play, the more I'm yearning for that highest level I can play at" cooed the official dreamboat of the top flight of American soccer. Dangling participles aside, the American #10 surely must be valued by some teams in England. The former Redlands High School Terrier followed up with this shot across the bow of any Ugly Bettys of the Football League: "I think the Premiership would be the best place the play."

Former agent of Freddy Adu and Jozy Altidore, Motzkin reassured any hyperventilating supporters of the US national team by snarling that any potential swoopers would be, "ones that play entertaining, attacking and technical soccer."

Look out Barclay's Premier League! Landycakes is coming to Stoke and you're all going broke!

Contrary to erroneous reports from edthered, my sources are rock solid. I spoke to Landon's Brazilian Wax Technician just the other day.

OUTGOING: Donovan to Scunthorpe?

Rating: 5 (Hella Tight)

Rumors are swirling over reports that Landon Donovan may be heading to Merry Old Engerland, possibly as early as tonight!

Well, brace yourselves, because we here at MLS Rumors Rumors have learned that MLS Rumors is about to report a rumor that Donovan is rumored to be on the verge of signing a deal to transfer to League 1 power Scunthorpe United!

"I googled Landon's name, and I kept getting hits linking him to a word that looked an awful lot like Scunthorpe," said our source. "I'm pretty sure it's some sort of contraction or abbreviation. Anyways, there were so many hits that I'm almost positive it's a done deal."

MLS Rumors Rumors Takeover?

This just in. The Onion wants to take over the newest blog sensation MLS Rumors Rumors. According to information gathered hanging around in front of the Washington Post Building on 15th street, there are clear indications that this is likely. (For those that don't know, The Onion already owns the Washington Post and uses that outlet for its more mainstream stories, reserving the best articles for their own publication.) Word on the street is that The Onion wants to be the leader in News that is fair and balanced and accurate, thus toppling the Rupert Murdoch empire build upon the two pillars of fair and balanced.

Said an insider on the strategic planning session, "Look, they've only got two ideas in their tag line, we'll have three! Three is more than two so we will win!"

Exclusive Video of Columbus Riot!

We've just received exclusive cell phone video of the riot between Neo-Nazi Columbus supporters and Neo-Nazier West Ham supporters! The footage clearly shows that the riot was precipitated by an argument about which group loves Hitler more. Check it out, but be careful, the level of violence shown might not be safe for work!

NJSEA Security *May* be Overzealous!

This just in - it appears that the security personnel working at Giants Stadium, under the auspices of the NJSEA, may have a tendency to overreact, and might in fact be a bunch of poorly-trained, underpaid thugs just looking for an excuse to crack some skulls.

Another rumor circulating is that the sun may in fact rise in the east.

We are awaiting confirmation of both rumors.

21 July 2008

David Beckham to MLS!!!

That's right, folks, rumors around the league that superstar David Beckham is coming to Major League soccer, possibly to New York or Los Angeles.

Stay tuned for more details, since this is a breaking story.

Eto'o taking a bite out of the Big Apple?

Barcelona forward Samuel Eto'o recently visited New York during his vacation from Spanish La Liga side Barcelona FC to do some shopping, visit Niketown, and take in the Broadway show Avenue Q. So far, there have been no denials of the rumor that he also secretly signed a pre-contract with MLS Side New York Red Bulls, in anticipation of the opening of their new purpose built stadium in nearby Harrison, New Jersey.

This seems to be a sensible approach for the MLS club, currently propping up the table in the league's Eastern Conference. Colombian super scoring sensation Juan Pablo Angel has lost his running mate, Jozy Altidore to Spanish club Villareal and has threatened to quit MLS if manager Juan Carlos Osorio doesn't take steps to improve the squad.

Watch this space!

Dougie Brimson, MLS Rumors Join Forces!

It's quite a day over at MLS Rumors! My bartender's dog walker told me that noted hooligan profiteer expert Dougie Brimson has provided MLS Rumors with a statement about hooliganism! Ooooooh, I hope it's true!

Breaking: MLS Rumors to post rumor!

ZOMG, you guys! I just heard from a *very* reliable source that MLS Rumors is about to publish a rumor! It might not happen today, but trust me, it WILL happen!

Word is that it will have something to do with Columbus fans and the Fourth Reich.

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