23 July 2010

Confusion: MLS in Conflict over Records

We have it on good authority from a bankrupt all-you-care-to-eat restaurant owner in Seattle that Seattle Sounders FC have informed the MLS of their intent to have the records prior to the 2009 season expunged. According to our source, the Sounders management feels that since the Sounders did not exist, it was impossible for MLS to exist.

“See, we invented MLS. How can there be records for MLS before our team because the league did not exist before our team? Reminds me of the questions of a how Chewbacca could be on the moon of Endor. If we did not exist, you must acquit.”

No word from the MLS Supremo, the Don, on this development or the counter proposal from DC United. According to signals from well placed sources at a well known smoke shop in Virginia, DC United would like to eliminate the records for the MLS seasons post 2004.

“Who even knows who played in the MLS Cup since 2004? It makes no sense to keep awarding the trophy if you cannot even remember the finalists. After all, everyone remembers fondly the late 1990s when DC United had that dynasty. We should just bank on that and forget about the league titles since 2004. We can just award everyone a participant certificate.”

Sources state that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey are backing the DC United plan, although, they are seeking an amendment to eliminate all MLS Cup records in favor of participant medals.

22 July 2010

BREAKING: DC United Announce Bid For 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

United Supporters Celebrate the Announcement of the Team's Bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup

WASHINGTON, DC: DC United today announced that they have presented the U.S. Soccer Federation with a bid for the 2011 Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup. For several seasons, opponents have complained about United's penchant for only playing Open Cup matches at home, and the team has decided to take things to the logical next step for next year's competition.

A United spokesman gave the following statement at a press event this morning: "Here at DC United, our motto is 'It Takes More,' and we try to extend that to everything we do. For next year, that means submitting a bid to bring the Open Cup back here where it belongs. We think the numbers in our bid are solid, and we expect to be awarded the Cup once the Federation has examined the package."

When asked whether the team felt it's supporters would care that United was attempting to acquire the Cup without actually competing for it, the spokesman replied, "Hey, bidding is, by definition, a competition. If Seattle really wants the Cup, they're welcome to try to outbid us."