14 November 2008

Arena + Donovan

When Bruce Arena took the reins at the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson California, everyone speculated that he was drawn there due to the presence of one Landon Donovan.
"I made him, I can break him!

The question hung out there like a limp flag - Was Arena trying to re-write history about World Cup 2006 and prove that Donovan was the problem in Germany? Or was Arena trying to once again leverage Donovan, as in WC 2002, to get back his reputation, sullied by the Germany 2006 failure and the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey failure? Who could be sure, but one thing was clear, Arena and Donovan were back together.

Now, it appears that this true Hollywood story could be at an end. With the Los Angeles Galaxy of Carson, California's failure to reach the playoffs since David "Don't call me a circus" Beckham joined the club, Landon realized his only hope at glory was to leave the country. He is "training" currently with Jürgen "I'm almost American" Klinsmann's Bayern Munich, which for all intents and purposes looks like a trial for both club and player.

"Wow, I cannot believe how many good players there are in the world. Back home everyone tells me I'm the greatest."

If Landon Donovan finds himself with a contract at the foreign club, how much time will pass before Bruce Arena is enrolled in a Berlitz class and using Rosetta Stone at home? He's always wanted to coach abroad...

12 November 2008

Goodwill for Obama

The US is getting assurance that the country will host World Cup 2018 or 2022. According to the Guardian, Obama's election has won the goodwill of some of FIFA's finest and will likely net a win in the World Cup hosting column (actual sporting results may vary).

"Hey, we cannot even afford to pay our players, how can I afford to build more on my house?"

We here at the MLS Rumors­­² went out to figure out who this "high placed" source at FIFA could be. And while we are not saying that we left any stone unturned, we can say that the sources we spoke with believe the source is none other than Diamond Jack Warner of Trinidad & Tobago. That is right, our discussion group believes that Diamond Jack is looking to get a quid pro quo arrangement with President-Elect Obama. We think that he is likely looking for a developmental loan because as you all know, he comes from a poor country and cannot afford to build a 80,000 sq ft. extension on his mansion without a grant from the rich and powerful United States.

10 November 2008

Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls Oust Dynamo; Satan: Bizarre Weather Patterns in Hell Man-Made

THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL, November 10, 2008:

Notorious gluttons gathered yesterday at an MLS viewing party were ecstatic when the Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls (brought to you by Red Bull: it gives you wiiiiiiiiiiings!) ousted two-time defending champions Houston Dynamo from the MLS Cup 2008 playoffs by a shocking 3-0 scoreline.
Satan: Bizarre weather "Certain[ly] man-made"

"We've all been pulling for Red Bulls," said Orson Welles. "For all eternity, Satan has buffeted the Third Circle with freezing rain, hail, and black snow. When the Red Bulls took the last playoff spot, the freezing rain let up...and after the Houston game, the hail disappeared. We're all hoping that if Salt Lake chokes, maybe the black snow will finally stop."

Satan was reached for comment at his Undisclosed location: "We don't know if there's any correlation between Red Bulls' success and the strange weather patterns that have been affecting us here in Hell, but we are certain that it is somehow man-made." When pressed further on the matter, Satan replied, "Listen, I'm the motherf*cking Prince of Darkness! I don't have to take this shit from you arugula-chomping, latte-sucking, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading media elite. This interview is finished!"