10 November 2008

Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls Oust Dynamo; Satan: Bizarre Weather Patterns in Hell Man-Made

THIRD CIRCLE OF HELL, November 10, 2008:

Notorious gluttons gathered yesterday at an MLS viewing party were ecstatic when the Red Bull Harrison Red Bulls (brought to you by Red Bull: it gives you wiiiiiiiiiiings!) ousted two-time defending champions Houston Dynamo from the MLS Cup 2008 playoffs by a shocking 3-0 scoreline.
Satan: Bizarre weather "Certain[ly] man-made"

"We've all been pulling for Red Bulls," said Orson Welles. "For all eternity, Satan has buffeted the Third Circle with freezing rain, hail, and black snow. When the Red Bulls took the last playoff spot, the freezing rain let up...and after the Houston game, the hail disappeared. We're all hoping that if Salt Lake chokes, maybe the black snow will finally stop."

Satan was reached for comment at his Undisclosed location: "We don't know if there's any correlation between Red Bulls' success and the strange weather patterns that have been affecting us here in Hell, but we are certain that it is somehow man-made." When pressed further on the matter, Satan replied, "Listen, I'm the motherf*cking Prince of Darkness! I don't have to take this shit from you arugula-chomping, latte-sucking, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading media elite. This interview is finished!"

1 comment:

DCUinCT said...

Come on guys. The Red Bulls win and this is the best you can do? It doesn't even make sense. We'll hope for better regardless of the outcome tonight.