20 November 2008

Latest: Kenny Cooper Concerned About Getting Called to National Team

MLS Rumors² staff has found out that Kenny Cooper is in serious jeopardy of loosing his status as Consistently Not Getting Called Up to the National Team. His performance last night against Guatemala in the last World Cup Qualifying match of the Semi-Final round may push him into the category of players that get called up regularly to represent the United States. He was able to score a goal and make several other credible threats in his 76 minute appearance. That he was replaced by Connor Casey does not bode well for his continued status of not getting called up.

"I hope I didn't do too much in the game."

When reached for comment, Cooper just stated that he was worried about his status and hoped that one could see all the deficiencies of his game at the international level. "Look, hanging around the defense and just bullying people out of the way works at the MLS level, but I'm not sure I can translate that to the international level. I mean, those guys were much faster of thought that I am. They read me like a book." Cooper went on to say, "Remember Chris Albright. That guy came into the national team and with his first touch he scored. But where is he now, right back?"

Red Bull NY Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ in Final, MLS Rumors² Staff in Denial

The author earlier today. I'm doing just fine - really! Thanks for asking!
WASHINGTON, DC, November 20, 2008: Following confirmation of previously discounted reports that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ have reached the MLS Cup final, MLS Rumors² continued to deny reality.

"I mean, seriously, Western Conference champions? We're actually supposed to believe that? They don't even play in the Western Conference! You'll have to do a little better than that to pull the wool over our eyes," I said to my reflection as I decided not to shave yet again this morning. "Next thing you know, MLSnet.com is going to ask me to send my SSN and bank account number to some deposed government official in Nigeria. No thank you!"

When asked by my reflection just exactly what the hell I was talking about, I replied, "This conversation is over."

19 November 2008

INCOMING: Lalas to take over ailing AIG

PAULSON: Lalas the right choice to create "SuperInsurer"
WASHINGTON, DC, November 19, 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from sources close to Treasury Secretary Henry "Uncle Hank" Paulson that the Bush administration is planning to appoint one of Venice Beach's most famous buskers, Alexi Lalas, as new CEO of ailing insurance giant AIG.

Some experts questioned the move. Said recent Nobel laureate Paul Krugman: "I thought the administration had set an unbeatable record for absurd appointments when they put a horse show official in charge of FEMA, but this? My god, man! Just because AIG sponsors some random English soccer team doesn't make this ginger hack qualified to run it! It's as good as a death sentence for AIG."

Paulson, however, was ebullient in his praise for the three-times over failed executive: "Alexi has just what it's going to take to turn AIG around. It's only a matter of time before he transforms it into the world's first SuperInsurer!"

When reminded that AIG was a "SuperInsurer" prior to its collapse, Paulson replied, "I resent the implication that I'm colluding with my former colleagues on Wall Street to short AIG!" When told that, in fact, no one had said anything of the sort, Paulson replied, "This conversation is over."

MLS Rumors² reached Lalas for comment near the Venice Pier, where he was strumming away on his guitar and singing various Sister Hazel songs as passersby shielded their children's eyes: "I am tremendously excited to be taking over at AIG! It's a natural fit for me, since I have prior experience at AEG, and that's only one vowel different! We're going to have the whole company selling sexy insurance by this time next year! Also, any rumors that we're considering moving corporate headquarters to Houston are completely unfounded."

When it was pointed out to Lalas that no such rumors existed, he replied, "Oh. Well then. It's hard to say what it is I see in you. Wonder if I'll always be with you. But words can't say, And I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you." At which point this blogger disgustedly threw a half-eaten cup of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream into Lalas' guitar case and slowly backed away.

17 November 2008

New Kyle Beckerman Cut Drops - Dancehall DJs Give Thanks and Praise

Hot off the presses, the latest from the Mighty Lightstepper, Kyle "Crofton Gong" Beckerman! MLS Rumors² has your back with an advance look at Ras Kyle's latest video!

Out in the street, they call it red card. Welcome to Sandrock, indeed.

Obama to "Fix MLS"?

Although edited from the 60 Minutes discussion that aired on Sunday, President-Elect Barak Obama had a few things to say about other sports in addition to NCAA football. According to rumored sources, Mr. Obama is believed to be investigating the need to establish a task force to assist MLS in changing for the better. The list of changes are potentially divisive among the MLS fan base and include such long-term Bigsoccer.com debates as the viability of promotion and relegation, the use of a single table, and the elimination of the MLS Playoffs. We have it on good authority that Obama believes in the "purity" of the game and would like to bring rationality to MLS. "The elimination of the shoot out and the keeping of time on the field have been great steps forward but we need to look at bringing ourselves into line with the major leagues in Europe to forge greater alliances and improve our reputation."

In response, MLS Supremo Don Garber probably had this to say "Well, of course we welcome suggestions and comments from the President-elect. It is clear the American people like his policies on MLS and we are looking forward to working together. However, we already have a competition committee and hope that the President-elect's task force does not overstep our authority as a private enterprise."

16 November 2008

Sacrifice "worth it" according to sources

It really was not a hard choice for the 53 year old virgin. The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey needed something extra to get them to the MLS Cup. He knew what he had to do.
Picture of the altar used in the sacrifice.

John X (Name Redacted to protect his family, who did not want to be associated with a family member being a fan of the RBNYRBoHNJ) agreed to become the virgin sacrifice necessary to propel the team to the "next level". Said an anonymous source at the ritual, "he was happy in the knowledge that he would have a direct result in the team advancing. He knew there was no other way forward. I think we all know the dismal history that has led up to this point." John X was a loner, which is why he apparently became an early member of at least one of the New York New Jersey Metrostars fan groups. His sister, Alice X, stated to MLS Rumors² "He was an outcast. He found a home inside the empty Giant Stadium. He always said the silence made him so peaceful."

Apparently the strategy has worked as Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey is now in the MLS Cup.