Canucks Spurn MLS Cup for Hockey

While the official numbers appeared good for MLS Cup, in reality, many of those who bought tickets preferred to watch the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree than Colorado Rapids and FC Dallas battle for the coveted MLS Cup. According to rumors we have from a local bartender with connections to the Toronto region, the Hockey Jamboree was filled to its 60,000 person capacity and that several in attendance had tickets to the other match across town. Locals say that the Pee Wee tournament represents the best of ages 4 to 9 hockey in all of North Toronto, which is the source for some talent on the Canadian National Hockey Team.

”When the weather gets cold in September, our thoughts all turn to the ice, enough with these other sports. Sure those guys at Toronto FC are still playing but it doesn’t mean anything, afterall their season is over in July.”

Fans at the Pee Wee North Toronto Hockey Jamboree were excited and thrilled with the event and several questioned about the MLS Cup happening across town replied, “Normally I would accept your inquiry in good sport but really I must quote a great Canadian, ‘Take off, you Hoser!’. Thank you.”

Note: Many Canadians suffered unnecessarily for the use of the stereotypes in this article.

Breaking News: MLS Cup Cancelled!

Hard to believe but MLS cancelled their big game of the season today. Just in from Los Angeles is the news that because of potential for rain, MLS Supremo Don Garber decided to call the match and to reschedule for next season. Garber stated, "Look, we wouldn't want to put any of our players in danger holding this match under cloudy and potentially threatening clouds. Have you seen how bad Frankie Hejduk's hair frizzes in the humidity. I just have to say, oh the humanity. We cannot have a match under these circumstances. Better luck next year."

Yes, that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Red Bull NY Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ in Final, MLS Rumors² Staff in Denial

The author earlier today. I'm doing just fine - really! Thanks for asking!

WASHINGTON, DC, November 20, 2008: Following confirmation of previously discounted reports that the Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, NJ have reached the MLS Cup final, MLS Rumors² continued to deny reality.

"I mean, seriously, Western Conference champions? We're actually supposed to believe that? They don't even play in the Western Conference! You'll have to do a little better than that to pull the wool over our eyes," I said to my reflection as I decided not to shave yet again this morning. "Next thing you know, MLSnet.com is going to ask me to send my SSN and bank account number to some deposed government official in Nigeria. No thank you!"

When asked by my reflection just exactly what the hell I was talking about, I replied, "This conversation is over."

Sacrifice "worth it" according to sources

It really was not a hard choice for the 53 year old virgin. The Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey needed something extra to get them to the MLS Cup. He knew what he had to do.

Picture of the altar used in the sacrifice.

John X (Name Redacted to protect his family, who did not want to be associated with a family member being a fan of the RBNYRBoHNJ) agreed to become the virgin sacrifice necessary to propel the team to the "next level". Said an anonymous source at the ritual, "he was happy in the knowledge that he would have a direct result in the team advancing. He knew there was no other way forward. I think we all know the dismal history that has led up to this point." John X was a loner, which is why he apparently became an early member of at least one of the New York New Jersey Metrostars fan groups. His sister, Alice X, stated to MLS Rumors² "He was an outcast. He found a home inside the empty Giant Stadium. He always said the silence made him so peaceful."

Apparently the strategy has worked as Red Bull New York Red Bulls of Harrison, New Jersey is now in the MLS Cup.