19 November 2008

INCOMING: Lalas to take over ailing AIG

PAULSON: Lalas the right choice to create "SuperInsurer"
WASHINGTON, DC, November 19, 2008: MLS Rumors² has learned from sources close to Treasury Secretary Henry "Uncle Hank" Paulson that the Bush administration is planning to appoint one of Venice Beach's most famous buskers, Alexi Lalas, as new CEO of ailing insurance giant AIG.

Some experts questioned the move. Said recent Nobel laureate Paul Krugman: "I thought the administration had set an unbeatable record for absurd appointments when they put a horse show official in charge of FEMA, but this? My god, man! Just because AIG sponsors some random English soccer team doesn't make this ginger hack qualified to run it! It's as good as a death sentence for AIG."

Paulson, however, was ebullient in his praise for the three-times over failed executive: "Alexi has just what it's going to take to turn AIG around. It's only a matter of time before he transforms it into the world's first SuperInsurer!"

When reminded that AIG was a "SuperInsurer" prior to its collapse, Paulson replied, "I resent the implication that I'm colluding with my former colleagues on Wall Street to short AIG!" When told that, in fact, no one had said anything of the sort, Paulson replied, "This conversation is over."

MLS Rumors² reached Lalas for comment near the Venice Pier, where he was strumming away on his guitar and singing various Sister Hazel songs as passersby shielded their children's eyes: "I am tremendously excited to be taking over at AIG! It's a natural fit for me, since I have prior experience at AEG, and that's only one vowel different! We're going to have the whole company selling sexy insurance by this time next year! Also, any rumors that we're considering moving corporate headquarters to Houston are completely unfounded."

When it was pointed out to Lalas that no such rumors existed, he replied, "Oh. Well then. It's hard to say what it is I see in you. Wonder if I'll always be with you. But words can't say, And I can't do enough to prove, it's all for you." At which point this blogger disgustedly threw a half-eaten cup of Cold Stone Creamery ice cream into Lalas' guitar case and slowly backed away.

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