Bank of America Customer Service Transcript

[Begin Call]
Customer Service Representative 3137: Hello, Mr. Hunt? This is Cindy Smith, from Bank of America.
Clark Hunt: Huh? Can I help you?
3137: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us today. We've noticed some unusual activity on your account, and company policy requires us to bring it to your attention.
CH: Oh. Okay. What's going on?
3137: Well, apparently someone using your account information has authorized a transfer of $649,998.73 to one "Guillermo Barros Schelotto." Obviously, this kind of transfer is not in line with your thirteen-year account history.
CH: Mother of Mercy! $649,998.73?!! What the H-E-double hockey sticks?!!
3137: If you'd like, Bank of America can open an official inquiry into this transaction.
CH: You're darn tootin' I'd like! You'd better get to the bottom of this, pronto! Or you're gonna be beggin' for some of those bailout dollars just to cover your legal bills!
3137: We'll start the inquiry right away, sir.
CH: You do that, Cindy. You do that.
[End Call]

BREAKING: Chelsea Move to Occupy Upton Park [UPDATED]

LONDON, 14 August: In a stunning move, Chelsea appear to have moved on Upton Park, and reports out of London's East End indicate that Chelsea are now in full control of West Ham's ground. A Chelsea spokesman told a morning press gaggle that, "West Ham's failure to adequately control their hooligan supporters has left Chelsea with no choice but to secure the safety of our players and supporters by force. Their hooligans acted out violently in Columbus, USA, and we are now in the process of punishing the aggressor."

Chelsea forces easily overwhelmed the Hammers' token resistance

West Ham manager Alan Curbishley pleaded for help from the other members of the Big Four, but with Liverpool overextended to the breaking point in Belgium, Manchester United engulfed in tabloid drama, and Arsenal not giving a shit, there appears to be little hope of anyone coming to the Hammers' aid.

MLS Rumors² has also learned that Chelsea owner Roman "Little Putin" Abramovich has travelled across London to manage the occupation himself.

MLS Rumors² reached Noted International Hooligan Expert Douglas "Dougie" Brimson for comment. Mr. Brimson noted that:

This sort of thing is just the logical extension of the problems facing MLS. If not for the inability of security to control the actions of the Kolumbus Krew Kidz at their friendly versus West Ham, none of this tragedy would have ensued. MLS must. Get. Its. Act. Together...or Chelsea's next stop could be Red Bull Park. Mark my words, America: the Hooliganpocalypse is coming. Be afraid. Be very afraid. The only way to save yourselves is to buy and read my books. All of them. New, not used, please.

Indeed, we here at MLS Rumors² agree: it's all Columbus' fault. Especially Bill Archer. I hope he's happy.

UPDATE: In a statement to the press, Abramovich rejected calls from West Ham for a ceasefire and declared that his club would pursue its mission to its "logical conclusion".

A day after a face-to-face meeting with Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks, who expressed "grave concern", Mr. Abramovich accused Liverpool of siding with West Ham by ferrying West Ham reserves to the East End.

"It is a shame that some of our partners are not helping us but, essentially, are hindering us," said Mr. Abramovich. "The very scale of this cynicism is astonishing."

Crew Look to Brazil for New Talent, Supporters

Rating: 0 (utter bullshit)

We recently received the following email from someone named "Guppy":

They saved Hitler's brain! Sounds incredible, almost unbelievable, but yes, it's true: in order to further their plans, the Columbus Crew's supporters have enlisted the help of Hitler's brain! A supporter group secretly traveled to South America and with the aid of doctors down there and financing from ABC Fertilizer Inc and several other similar companies common to Columbus, they revived the head of Hitler to help them with 'their tactics.' Hitler's head had been frozen according to his last wishes in 1975 and kept in a freezer in the basement of a sympathizer ...

Here is what is rumored to be their new logo, which will be unveiled shortly.

Well, since we have an ongoing demented obsession fascination with the right-wing leanings of the Crew and their supporters, this piqued our interest, so we did a little more digging around...and it turns out that Deep Guppy only scratched the surface! MLS Rumors² sent senior Crew correspondent Ezra Lieberman to Brazil to investigate, and he turned up a list of Brazilian players who are actually Hitler clones! As of this posting, we are unable to confirm if Stefani Miglioranzi is on the list...

NEW SPONSOR: Hovis Bread to Back Columbus

MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that British baker Hovis will be sponsoring the Columbus Crew as the team's Official Bread. The announcement will be made following the unveiling of Hovis' new sponsorship deal with Manchester United striker and noted chav, Wayne Rooney.

RUMOR: DC-Houston in St. Louis in 2009?

Rating: 5 (Check it, it's gold...You know what, yegg? I believe you.)

With Commissioner Garber set to hold a press conference this afternoon morning [ed: what can I say...see previous post re: hangovers], MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that he plans to announce a bombshell: In order to avoid further bad mojo related to next year's Houston-at-DC fixture, the league will be moving the match to St. Louis. "The match will serve as a measure of St. Louis' interest in an MLS expansion franchise," said Bill the Beerman, who is close friends with Sammy the Stocker, who stocks the beer and sodas in the suite used by Commissioner Garber when he attends matches at RFK Stadium. "The Commish' really thinks they're ready. He's especially impressed that they've already got their own supporters' group, the Sons of Lindbergh. They're supposed to be even more hardcore than the Kolumbus Krew Kids."

(Pictured: The Sons of Lindbergh at a recent pep rally promoting St. Louis as a possible MLS expansion city.)