According to an unnamed and unconfirmed source, the Department of Homeland Security is seeking Thierry Henry for questioning in connection with alleged trafficking in soccer players. The former Arsenal player jumped ship for the warmer shores of Spain to play for Barcelona but ended up sitting on the bench a lot because, come on, a guy his age just doesn't have the quality a top side need. The aging striker is now under suspicion of smuggling players into the US.
Unconfirmed speculation is that he had stashed the entire starting lineup of Paris St. Germain in his garage, awaiting MLS signings. Unfortunately for him, no one in MLS had heard of them and no team with room under the salary cap was willing to take them on consignment without more than video evidence (DC United was reportedly "very, very interested," but was still looking to make a deal for cap room and DP slots at the time this article went to publication). Henry's neighbors called the authorities after the smells emanating from the garage became overpowering; when the police opened the garage, they found the Parisian squad sitting around smoking Gauloises cigarettes, eating ham and brie on buttered baguettes, and misting cologne over their unwashed bodies. The police tried to help the players but were rebuffed until a translator was brought to the scene, at which point they were mercilessly taunted until they left.