01 October 2010

Upcoming: Hooligan Expert Agrees that MLS is about to EXPLODE

According to our interview with Pookie Sulfer, ex-hooligan from ENGLAND! and reformed author, MLS is about to explode in violence and hooliganism, the likes of which have not been seen since the bad bad 1980s and 1990s.

Mr. Sulfer, tell us a bit about why you believe that MLS is ripe for a hooligan invasion?

“I ran with a pretty tough crew back in the day. We were the feared Black Street Ruffians that made many another hooligan group run with fear at just the sound of our name. We were so hard that the police had separate procedures to deal with our boys. We’d seriously mess up anyone that tried to invade our turf at Cream Puff Downs, which was named after the famous Cream Puff factory that closed down under Thatcher in favor of another Government ministry to repress the Irish. Anyway, we’d totally get all ultra-violent on other hooligan groups. They’d run so fast that they’d leave scarves and hats behind. We had quite the collection of found stuff in our headquarters.”

All very interesting and exciting Mr. Sulfer, but what does that have to do with MLS?

“I’m just telling like it is. That is hooliganism. I am out of that life now. After I broke my finger punching out some guy, I realized that there was more to life than just beating up people, so I became an author and wrote about all the cool stuff I did. Like that time when my ten mates and I jumped those two Blue Street Boys in the alley behind Hosters. That was great. We put a whooping on them. Gave them the fear of the Black Street Ruffians.”

Um, what about MLS?

“Oh, yea, just wanted to let you know what hooliganism can be like. It is not all friendly like it gets pictured in movies or on the telly. It is really hard and dangerous. It is coming here to the States, of that I can promise you. You have all the ingredients necessary: football, what you lot call soccer, fans, and stadiums. Once you have that, it is inevitable.”

Any other evidence for your assertion?

“Well just look at what kind of stick that bloke Becks is getting from fans. They are screaming at him from their seats. Those guys are willing to yell at their own players. I tell you, they are hard and will likely have words with people outside the stadium too! And when that happens it could come to blows. In DC, they get thousands of people to chant about wishing to crap on opposing team’s cities. I mean, they are advocating use of weapons of mass defecation upon innocents. That is rough. In Colorado, the hooligans are defying bans on swear words and using that harsh language to intimidate all the families that come to matches. I know from personally talking to people on Internet message boards, that a lot of people have abandoned going to Colorado Rapids games because of that hooligan behavior. And then there is the Columbus Crew Kickers fan groups. They got into with the legendary Green Street Hooligans, of movie fame, at an international friendly! You are telling me that MLS is not about to explode, it is because you haven’t been there in the trenches of hooligan violence and don’t know the signs.”

And when is this outbreak of violence going to happen?

“My guess is that as things wind down in the season towards the intensity of the playoffs, we’ll see an increasing level of violence. Look, in MLS, as the matches become more intense and more people stay away from the stadium, particularly during the playoffs, you are more likely to see a concentration of hard core support than at other times of the year. With the increased intensity of the match results, the concentration of hard core support that does not have the mitigating numbers of innocents and fair-weather fans could explode in an orgy of hooligan violence! I think we could see the use of pepper spray and tear gas to control the crowd. There is also a possibility that hooligans will use violence against marketing ploys from teams, like say if Santa Claus is part of a parade, I could see hooligans pelting him with batteries or coins. It would be carnage!”

1 comment:

per head said...

I hope that they don't become like that. I still have faith that there are good fan that they don't have to encounter into violence to prove a point.