22 January 2009

MLS Rumors² Exclusive: Interview With Ben Olsen's Ankles

Ben's Left Ankle Takes A Break After The Season's First Practice

WASHINGTON, DC 22 January, 2009: DC United opened its 2009 training camp today at RFK Stadium, and MLS Rumors² took advantage of a chance to grab a rare and exclusive interview with Ben Olsen's ankles. The full transcript follows:

MLS Rumors²:
Thanks for sitting down with us! Can you give our readers a sense of what you did to keep busy this past off season?

Ben Olsen's Ankles: My pleasure. Yeah, it was a really, really hectic off season for us. For starters, Ben's got a new baby, so in addition to our usual off-season routine of growing bone spurs and calcifying, we spent a LOT of time bouncing up and down and side-to-side trying to get little Ruby Lou to settle down and sleep. It was brutal. Oh my god, was it brutal.

MLS Rumors²: Really? That bad?

Let's put it this way: it was so bad, we decided to skip the whole calcifying thing in the end and actually let Ben get back to training, just to get a break. I swear, if I have to hear that stupid musical mobile play one more endless loop of Bach, I'm gonna flip like my name was Turner. Nat Turner, Ted Turner, shit, man, Ike Turner.

MLS Rumors²: Sounds like you're a fan of the Roots.

BOA: Oh yeah. We're from Pennsylvania, man, gotta represent.

MLS Rumors²:
Yeah, but you've been in DC a long time. Any local favorites?

BOA: Man, the whole DC scene has been all downhill since Velocity Girl broke up...and then Q and Not U. Damn, man. At least Chuck Brown is still going strong.

MLS Rumors²: So you like some go-go?

BOA: Oh yeah. True story: this one time, I was out on the town with Jaime Moreno's trick back and Josh Gros's eggshell skull...we wound up at some random club somewhere in PG around 2 AM, just groovin' to the Junkyard Band...you haven't lived until you've heard Gros's skull singin' "Sardines," or seen Jaime's back doing the Hee-Haw.

MLS Rumors²: That's wild, man.

BOA: Oh yeah. That was a crazy night. Gros's skull is a madman!

MLS Rumors²: Getting back to the on-the-field stuff, who's been your favorite accent to play for?

BOA: Oh, great question! Tommy Soehn's accent is straight whitebread, but Bruce's Lawngisland was a class act, and Piotr's faux-Drago was a trip...still, it's really a two-accent race between Rongen's Dutch Treat and Hudson's Geordie Burr...and honestly, it's no contest...Ray's accent is just in a league of its own.

MLS Rumors²: What about your plans for the upcoming season? Any changes in store for you guys?

BOA: We could tell you, but we'd have to kill you! [laughter] No, seriously, we're just going to try to keep a low profile, maybe flare up just enough in the evenings to keep Ben the hell away from that damn musical mobile on Ruby Lou's crib. Nothing too serious, just enough to make Meghan feel bad about asking Ben to help out after practice.

MLS Rumors²: Well, thanks again for talking to us...

BOA: Our pleasure...hey, can we give a shout-out to our boy, Dr. Hazel's scalpel? Yo-yo! What up, S-Dawg?!

1 comment:

dadman said...

"I was out on the town with Jaime Moreno's trick back and Josh Gros's eggshell skull"

Brilliant! I love Ben's ankles stories from their single days.

edit: "hormode"? Just what the hell kind of random-word generator is Rumors/2 using?