03 August 2009

BREAKING: DC To Play Globetrotters In London

Having already conquered the "other" football, the Globetrotters are ready to take on a new challenge.
LONDON, 3 August 2009: MLS Rumors Rumors has learned that AEG Entertainment will fulfill its contractual obligation with London's O2 Arena for 50 sold-out performances by arranging for the world-renowned Kings Of Basketball, the Harlem Globetrotters, to take Michael Jackson's place. Because of the cultural differences between American and English audiences, however, the Globetrotters usual patsies opponents, the Washington Generals, will be replaced by fellow Washingtonians DC United.

According to our source, the author's best friend's sister's boyfriend, who saw Kevin Payne pass out at 31 Flavors last night (though we hear it's not serious), "It's, like, total perfect synergy. This run at the O2 will really help build the DC United brand. Losing to the Globetrotters on a nightly basis for nearly two months will be, like, an essential part of United's push to succeed in both the CONCACAF Champions League and in MLS. Plus, like, the guy who replaced Curly is really hawt."

A source inside AEG confirmed the rumors, telling us: "Look, we really had our asses over a barrel on this one. I mean, we were about to get reamed, hard, with no Jesus Juice. O2's barristers were gonna pound us. Pound us but good. We had to come up with something. We would've used the Galaxy, but 19 Entertainment told us to go fuck ourselves, and Beckham will be back in Milan by then anyways (though he'll be at Inter, but don't ask about that, just know that Mourinho has eerie powers), and who would want to see them without Becks? So we called in a favor from our boy KP, and voila! Problem solved from our end!"

When asked why they didn't consider using Real Madrid for the unprecedented English residency, our source at AEG scoffed: "Those putos? Man, they charge a million a night, in Euros! Someone's gotta pay Sir Alex's blood money, and they haven't even started scraping together the cash for Alonso. There's no way AEG could afford to pay both them *and* the Globetrotters. Don't quote me on that, by the way."

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