Pretty In Rossoneri, Pt. 1

The on-again, off-again, will he or won't he saga of David Beckham's Italian Job was giving us some serious deja vu...so we dug back into the archives and realized we'd seen this all before, in John Hughes' 1986 coming-of-age classic, Pretty In Pink. We've taken the liberty of updating Hughes' masterpiece, which we are presenting to you, our lucky, lucky readers, in serial form, beginning right here, right now, with Part 1 of John Hughes soon-to-be classic, Pretty In Rossoneri:


Landon: Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, it's 7:30! Bruce, wake up! Morning, Bruce. Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, wake up. There's your coffee right there.

Bruce: Where am I?

Landon: Here, I want you to drink this. Then take a shower and get dressed. Your clothes are there. Then I want you to see the scouts about the new signings. Today. You promised.

Bruce: I know. What would I do without you nagging me all the time?

Landon: You really want me to answer that?

Bruce: Yeah, I've been gettin' in kinda late lately. We haven't had a chance to talk.

Landon: Don't worry about it. There hasn't been a lot to say.

Bruce: Is everything all right with you?

Landon: Yeah.

Bruce: Is Germany good?

Landon: No, but it never is.

Bruce: Have you been asked for a permanent transfer?

Landon: No. Not yet.

Bruce: When was the last time I told you how beautiful you are?

Landon: About yesterday.

Bruce: Turn around.

Landon: What?

Bruce: You know what. Let me see this outfit. Is this your latest creation?

Landon: This is it.

Bruce: My God, what did that cost you?

Landon: About $20 for the shoes, second-hand, and I made the rest.

Bruce: Unbelievable. I was thinking maybe that you could do something with this. Maybe put some ruffles here...

Landon: Come on, get up! Really, I mean it. This means a lot to me.

Bruce: I am perfectly happy with what I'm doing.

Landon: Perfectly happy coaching a shit MLS side that hasn't even made the playoffs since 2007?

Bruce: No. That's why I'm getting up.

Landon: OK. I'll make you some breakfast.

Bruce: I'm up.

INCOMING: Arena to Galaxy - "I want no one else to succeed"

Arena: "I have a competition in me."

With the world of MLS abuzz with the possibility of Bruce Arena taking the reins from yet another pint-sized former-player-turned-interim-coach in Los Angeles, MLS Rumors² went digging for the motives behind The Bruce's habit of coaching his former team's bitter rivals. We caught up with the coaching legend at an undisclosed location in Southern California:

The Bruce: Are you an angry man, EdTheRed?
MLS Rumors²: About what?
The Bruce: Are you envious? Do you get envious?
MLS Rumors²: I don't think so. No.
The Bruce: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
MLS Rumors²: That part of me is gone... working and not succeeding...all my failures has left me...I just don't...care.
The Bruce: Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to win enough titles that I can get away from everyone.
MLS Rumors²: What will you do about your boy?
The Bruce: I don't know. Maybe it will change. Does your talent come back to you? I don't know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
MLS Rumors²: But he worked for Andrulis...
The Bruce: I don't want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, EdTheRed... to have you here gives me a second breath. I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people. Muahahahahahahaha!