13 August 2009

Northern Virginia Man Suffers Shattered Self Esteem, Bruised Ego In Loss To Mexico

FAIRFAX, VA 13 August, 2009: A medical report issued by psychiatrists at INOVA Fairfax Hospital confirmed an initial diagnosis of shattered self esteem and a bruised ego for local soccer fanatic Grayson Whitman following the United States crushing loss at the hands of Mexico yesterday afternoon.

"His ego is banged up pretty good," said INOVA spokesman James Ledbetter. "He was talking smack to his Mexican co-workers at the World Bank all week. Going on about 'It's the U.S.' time, Mexico is over as a regional power, 5-0 was a fluke.' Just knowing he has to face them when he's healthy enough to get back to the office has caused some deep bruising."

Grayson Whitman, Recovering At INOVA Fairfax Hospital. Image by Flickr user Docman.
More troubling, however, is Whitman's shattered self esteem. According to Ledbetter, "Grayson really lives vicariously through the USMNT. He's been having a rough go of things lately - his girlfriend left him for a Brazilian guy who works for McKinsey, his dog ran away, that sort of thing - and the success of the US national team was really keeping him going. After that early goal, his self esteem took a quick jump up, and the subsequent crash just put too much strain on the system; when that second Mexican goal went in, it just shattered. It's sad, really."

Doctors have prescribed an intensive regimen of beer and hard alcohol, "but no wine," said Ledbetter, the INOVA spokesman. "He's also been prescribed some anti-depressants, and some painkillers. The guy's in bad shape right now, but we're hopeful that he'll be back to his chest-thumping, Mexican taunting best by next summer's World Cup. Of course, if the U.S. doesn't qualify, he could be facing a life-or-death situation."

When reached for comment in his hospital room, Whitman stated: "DC United had better win the [expletive] Open Cup...I've been talking [expletive] about it to my cousins out in Seattle for weeks."

1 comment:

DCUfan said...

I know what this poor bastard feels like, truly I do.

I need to sign up with his doctor. It's really too bad he could not get a good marijuana prescription in this state/commonwealth, that could have helped faster than hard liquor and painkillers, all 3 would be even faster :-)