Confidential: Diamond Jack's E-mail Revealed

To: MLSRUMORSRUMORS
From: Diamond Jack
Date: August 13, 2009
Re: Seattle's USOC Bid

Dear Mr. Rumorsrumors,

It has come to our attention that you are the most reliable news outlet discussing the recent controversy regarding the US Open Cup Final venue. We would like to say that we firmly believe the process run by our colleagues at US Soccer is as open, fair, and reliable as any run by CONCACAF, FIFA, and the Trinidad & Tobago FA. We know that they looked at the various options brought in the bids and compared them on the merits. For example, if one club was willing to pony up some assets to assure that the US Soccer decision committee could make their evaluation and decision in a place of relaxation and enjoyment, instead of from the stressful location of their offices, that club should be viewed more favorably than another. If one club understands the demands placed upon individual members of such committees and pro-actively provides those members with appreciation and thanks, that club should recieve the benefit of the doubt. This is the way the world works and no amount of finger pointing and suggestions of impropriety will change that.

We know that the entire US Soccer organization is above reproach and we have thoroughly enjoyed working with them. We look forward to continuing our thankless tasks in football together and will enjoy seeing them at the spa in South Africa, which was provided free-of-charge from one such appreciative FA.

Best Regards,

Diamond

PS: I regret to tell you that phone service in Trinidad & Tobago is somewhat spotty. We can only assure a good connection through heavy monetary investments, which we fund through our Diamond Jack Footy Tours operation. According to our records, not enough US fans travelling to Mexico for the recent qualifier chose our company and we were unable to pay for our phone services. Diamond Jack likes to put a call in to the referee before the match to assure a fair and unbiased performance, which he was unable to do for this match. We are sorry that the events of the day demonstrated the need for such a phone call. In the future, it would help us all if you could tell your readers to choose Diamond Jack Footy Tours for all their travel needs.

This e-mail is to be embargoed until August 24, 2009. We also request that broadcasters refer to "The" Diamond Jack of Diamond Jack Footy Tours, so as not to confuse people with the other Diamond Jack, who runs a snake farm in Florida.

NEW SPONSOR: DiamondJack's Footy Tours

MLS Rumors² would like to extend a hearty welcome to our newest (and first!) sponsor, Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We'll soon have plenty of clickable adverts from them adorning our front page, but in the meantime, here's a sneak peek!

Ready for some football? Look no further than Diamond Jack's Footy Tours! We've got it all! World Cup, European Championships, Copa America, and, of course, CONCACAF Gold Cup!

You'll have access to some of the best seats in the house - right in the section normally reserved for players' families!

How do we do it? None of your god-damned business, that's how!

Diamond Jack's! Experience football the island way!

REPORT: Caribbean Nations to form "Windies" FIFA squad

Rating : 3 (too much Vat 19 rum in our system)

MLSRumors² doesn't often delve into the sordid underbelly of the footballing world, namely internationals. However, on this occasion, the editors feel it our duty to our faithful readers to report on an item picked up on a recent skin-diving expedition to the lovely islands of Turks & Caicos.

The word in the incredibly well-stocked kitchen at the swank private island resort of Parrot Cay is that leaders of the football associations of the assorted Carribean nations not named Trinidad & Tobago or Jamaica have been meeting in secret in an audacious bid to form a united "Windies" (West + Indies = Windies) squad in the fashion of their cricketing cousins.

Of course, rogue elements at the command of such footballing "dignitaries" such as Austin "Diamond" Jack Warner and his emperor, the all-powerful Lord Septic Bladder of Geneva, will be aware of such dissent brewing in the smaller island nations will move swiftly to brutally put down any hint of rebellion. Reached at his top-secret lair in Port of Spain, "Diamond" Jack Warner had only this to say:

"These pissant countries had betta watch out, you hear? I will display the awesome force of my OG travel agency thugs and send them down to Davy Jones locker. You want something within FIFA, you better check with me first bitchez. There is no way I will allow my personal pocket-lining operation to be threatened by a bunch of dope-smoking hash-slingers working at the pleasure of the tourists of America, Europe, and the filthy swine of England. Hey, asshole, before you go, who put you up to this? That Andrew Jennings fucker? I swear to Christ, the whole Dominica thing will look like a game of tetherball when I finish with this"

...You better check with me first bitchez

Presumably, Warner was referring to the comical stranglehold he possesses on FIFA proceedings, given the 35 votes he controls in the CONCACAF region. Should the smaller islands unite under one flag, presumably the votes would reduce. Naturally, Diamond Jack would not like that development, and neither would his colleagues at the fat cat's table. Men of no principals, like Chuck "Plaid" Blazer, and other miserable humans.

When asked about the mooted gambit by the smaller islands, MLS benchwarmer and Bermuda superstar Khano Smith gushed "I'm intrigued by this idea. Just think, me and my mate Shalrie (not a girl's name) Joseph could be teamed up with the magnificent Andrew Williams and the ageless Dwight Yorke!" Ignoring rustling in the nearby bushes, Smith continued to ejaculate: "I mean, come on! We will finally be able to put up a strong fight against Mexico and the US, and forget about those punks in Costa Rica for sure. Hey, I'm going to call my ag...rr.g.rgghhhhh"

It was at this moment that the conversation between our informant and Smith was cut short by what appeared to be a poison-tipped dart to the carotid artery. Smith was rushed by Revolution training staff members to the clubhouse. We anxiously await news of his condition.

As new information is available, we will inform you, dear readers, of the developments. Unfortunately, many of our sources in the Caribbean have gone missing. Now, what's this wire doing sticking our of our gas tank?